Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Pssst...

This guy is my new favorite crackpot. Make sure you read to the last sentences of the article.

Brilliant!

In the realm of not brilliant, lets all remember why we often yearn to move out of Missouri...

Gooches!


This is crazy Republican shit has gone too far.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Dear Chumps,

Help me! I'm entwined in the throes of PMS and unable to chew through the duct tape binding my arms and legs. I can only write these few sentences...

Jon called in the post below on his shoe phone. (FYI -- Those pants used to be full length, but I tore them off at the knee during our violent struggle that ultimately led to me being locked in the trunk of his car).

Watch out, Jon's blog -- I'm a'comin' fer ya...

Nickens, you scamp!

I finally hit Julia too hard, and now she can't post her own blog

Do you find yourself waxing nostalgic about the halcyon days of the 1990's? I do, sometimes. I miss the audio-train-wreck noise assault of bands like Drive Like Jehu and The Jesus Lizard. Hell, once in a while, I pine for the hate-fueled vomit rock of Unsane or Guzzard if I'm drunk, squinting, and have just exited a conversation with a college radio DJ sporting painstakingly, carefully disheveled hair concerning the virtues of The Wonder Stuff or some fey-handed, mopey, wannabe British group that occupies valuable and undeserved space on the Cool List.

Oh, fuck this stupid beat-around-the-bush, heavy handed, I-have-a-better-record-collection-than-you-do (I do) bullshit. I'm a man, bitches, and I've got the keys to Julia's blog. I make the same visceral groan that an 18 wheeler semi whose ignition switch has just been turned by a yeti in a gently worn, sleeveless, black Morbid Angel T-shirt (vintage, or freshly eBayed? Doesn't matter) does when I empty the contents of my (average sized, at least!) spent wiener into my detached, ungrateful stepfather's bathroom trash can after having discovered a treasure trove of aged-to-perfection 1970's porno mags on one of my many trips home to beg him for $30.

Sigh. I mention all of the above only to reestablish the shaky grasp I've barely been able to maintain on the paper-thin veil covering my ever-deteriorating masculinity. And now, in order to vainly attempt to make up for my chronic impotence I have to make this post on my girlfriend's blog. I'm slipping slowly into homosexuality as I type this, with the gentle wind of the cast of CMT's TRICK MY TRUCK caressing my ear in the background. Please God, let my ascent to gaywadedness take me soon.

So here's what Julia has been up to since last she updated...

-- Julia and I haven't been up to much in the past few days outside of begging for pennies in front of Lidz near the food court in the mall. Christmas is coming soon, and in order to bless my lady not only with the miracle of my love, but that black-on-black Georgetown basketball Starter® jacket she coos gently into my ear about AD FUCKING INFINITUM, a brotha's gotta make some scratch. Unfortunately, the close proximity to Charlie's Steakery probably doesn't help, as I can't imagine a truly savvy consumer NOT spending every last penny in their pocket on one of their delectable, possibly meth-laced sandwiches.

-- Julia's cats are still obnoxious, and are likely plotting to kill me. I'm still not overtly obnoxious, and am likely plotting to spend over an hour devouring more than $15 worth of Taco Bell in one sitting and returning to her apartment to take a giant reconstituted-beanstuff dump in their litter box.

-- Although Julia recently won a Webbie® award for her magnum opus on the Montgomery Gentry fan fiction site, she's not as proud of the award she won for her modeling work for Inside Columbia's photo spread on hermaphrodite cat owners. I don't remember all the details, but I do remember that although she mentioned that the spread wouldn't run in the next issue right away, she was given $16, rubbed her crotch against a hobo's bald head, and will be debuting the piece on a website called... let me check here... uh, bumcum.com.

-- I'll leave the rest of the updating to her. Adieu, sweet faggots.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Retarded kitten? Hermaphrodite cat?


After witnessing Thunderdome pull a double flip in the air and land with a THUD on her back today... for the third time in less than 5 minutes... I began to wonder... is my kitten retarded?


Indicators that My Kitten is Mentally Handicapped:

1) She frequently scratches peeling paint off of the door frames, then eats the paint chips.
2) She licks and chews on the toilet brush in the bathroom
3) She falls off of window sills and lands on her back
4) She EATS. PAINT. CHIPS.
5) She smokes meth with her deadbeat, good-for-nothin' neighborhood hoodlum kitten friends
6) Her name is Thunderdome
7) Did I mention that she eats paint chips?

In researching Thunderdome's ever-changing eye color today, I stumbled upon a whole bunch of research telling me that Dr. Baby either has Klinefelter Syndrome (meaning that he has an extra X chromosome) or is a chimera (the mutant freak produced when a female egg fuses with a male egg in the womb). Check it out! I wasn't aware that male tortoiseshell cats are very rare. He happens to be a male tortoiseshell cat (I don't think he's just a somatic mosaic, because his base color is black). The person who bred Dr. Baby told me that "he" was a "she" when I first adopted him. Seems to make sense now. He should've been a she.




Who knew that Dr. Baby might be an LGBT cat?! Ah well, just more evidence that the gay agenda is alive and well in my apartment....

Thursday, November 02, 2006

A Gluten-free Diet is the FUCKIN' BOMB, DAWG!

Good afternoon, juice boxes! As promised, here's a recap of my recent attempt at gluten-free living:

About two months ago, I started helping out at Classy's on the weekends because Leta broke her leg and was totally unable to wait on people. One day while business was slow, Paul started telling me about his discovery a few months back that he had Celiac Disease. Since you're too lazy to click on the link, I'll tell you that it's basically an intolerance to gluten (a protein found in wheat, barley, and rye) He had always loved breads and pastries, but had a history of getting sick all the time and having stomach problems and the like (his nickname as a kid was Pukey Paul). He's telling me about all of his ailments and how cutting out gluten dramatically improved his health, when I started seeing a lot of similarities in the way I operated with food. So I resolved to not eat gluten for a week and was amazed at how quickly I started seeing a huge difference:

-- my moderate allergies & often severe asthma are almost gone
-- red cheeks aren't so red anymore
-- no more bumps on my arms
-- no more upset stomach after I eat
-- no more acid reflux! For the past 3 years, I was taking Pepcid AC every single night before bed. If I didn't take it, I would wake up in the middle of the night with acid in the back of my throat. No more Pepcid for me. Woot Woot!
-- my ADHD hasn't been so severe. Not a big change, but noticeable in me. Focusing sans-Adderall is a little easier. I don't feel as foggy as I had before.

I gots to admit, it's really fucking difficult to not eat wheat. Everything is made from it! (Note that when I do consume wheat, the above symptoms come back a little bit - booooo....) I sometimes get wheat cravings, break down, and order Southside Pizza at 4am and I sometimes eat candy that probably has wheat in it, but overall I've been sticking to this wheat-free diet. I love it more than a fat kid loves cake.

Keep in mind that cutting gluten out of your life isn't simply cutting out starch. Potatoes and corn are now staples of my diet. Lots of fruit & vegetables, but I'm lazy so I usually just end up eating mixed nuts. Oh! I've even created a gluten-free version of my favorite meal -- a Classy's gourmet hot dog with cheese. Instead of a bun, I have Paul place the dog on a bed of mashed potatoes and smother it in shredded cheese. I know. The sexiest meal ever imagined. Everything at Chipotle (except for the flour tortillas) is also wheat-free. Also cock. That's allowed and encouraged.

Can you tell that I'm hungry right now?

One more thing before I stop going on and on about this shit -- Did you know that 1 out of every 100 people has some form of celiac disease? I know! That's a lot of fucking people in the United States who are undiagnosed. Anyway, if you're looking for a fun experiment, try cutting gluten out of your diet for a week and see how you feel.

Now back to sitting through class with Royce and dreaming about a Chipotle burrito bowl. I bet you $5 that Royce is dreaming about the same thing.

Pee Ess -- I'm totally going to be in an upcoming Missourian article about knitting. So if you wake up on a park bench covered in newspaper next week, check to see if my name is mentioned in one of the articles. I would've expect you creatures to actually go out and purchase one of those gossip rags on my behest. I know how cheap "you people" can be (Minotaaaaauuuurrr!!!!).