How to Be Popular While Hating Everyone Around You

Y'alls needs to take a gander at this...

2008-03-15T12:36:00.000-07:00

Incredibly awesome, isn't it? Heather Stansbury had it up on her blog and Jon & I couldn't resist stealing it. You should steal it, too! Also this:

Newsflash!

2008-02-26T07:55:00.000-08:00

No posts since December?! Whaaaaa? You probably won't even read this because you think I've been sucked into a black hole. Your loss. Here are some exciting and interesting news items:

-- I was just watching the Today Show. NBC's perpetually neglected weekend news anchor, Lester Holt, was doing a story about that idiot who skydives whilst wearing flying squirrel wings. When Matt Lauer asked if he went along for a jump, Holt told him "Homey don't jump out of airplanes." It was my favorite Today Show moment in recent memory.

-- I got my dream J-O-B!!! Boone County's newest Assistant Public Defender. Wooot! I was always told that no one gets hired for this branch straight out of law school, but I'm smooth like that. Can I talk about it on this blog? Probably not. So I'll stick to the important stuff. Like this. Yikes! I need to stop picking on those Clinton supporters before I get stabbed.

-- Check out the last paragraph of this story. Oh Arch Brooks, will I ever grow tired of your shenanigans?

-- Time to watch Price is Right. I wish I was kidding.

Stay out of trouble, stay in touch...

2007-12-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

"I asked for a pound of hashish on my birthday and all I got was this lousy blog post!"

(that's what my t-shirt says)

(not really -- I'm just creatively bankrupt and this is the first thing that made me laugh)

Oh blog... remember when I used to treat you like a queen? Always being updated and loved on. Like a real person, except you don't sass your mouth at me and force me to smack it.

The continuing writers strike is taking its toll on me. This is the WORST time to be unemployed and tethered to my couch. HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I SUFFER 'DEAL OR NO DEAL' EPISODES THAT LAST TWO HOURS?!? Sometimes I watch Daily Show re-runs and pretend that it actually is August 8th. It's a difficult state-of-mind to maintain. Makes my head throb.

In other news, Jon & I recently found a VHS tape of an old Upright Citizens Brigade marathon from 2000. Season 3 kicks Season 2's ass any day. Especially those days when the only new thing on TV is a Rodney Carrington comedy special. Are you familiar with this Rodney Carrington fellow? No? You're lucky. He wears a cowboy hat and sings a song called "Titties and Beer" -- AND HE MEANS IT!!!

Time to eat a birthday breakfast of champions (aka Cashew Cookie Larabar)

Silly, silly lives we lead..

2007-10-25T22:23:00.001-07:00

Yeah yeah.. it's been forever. I don't have the blogging passion I once possessed. Jon & I went to a dinner party at Ms. Bobasha's house tonight. Lovely! Our girl knows how to cook a meal. I'm forever grateful.

So what have I been up to for the past few weeks? Hmmm... Looking for a good job. Knitting a hat. Painting some kick-ass pictures.
You know -- dicking around in general. I've become so attached to old episodes of Frasier (1994-1997 only, thank you very much) that I've begun to creep myself out.

Being in a slump sucks. I know I have so much to offer, but I'm wasting away in the meantime.

Lame.

Love me?

"Bitch, I don't need ya... Let the welfare feed ya..."

2007-09-10T01:10:00.000-07:00

Pimp Lucius (as played by R. Kelly) sang the above statement in Chapter 19 of Chapters 13-22 of Trapped in the Closet. Which recently premiered on IFC. Which I watched tonight for the second time. Which is supremely and entirely awesome.

But now I'm bored.

Wait. Perhaps my perceived "boredom" is actually a massive case of post-bar exam blues (a.k.a. the great jobless depression -- much like postpartum depression, but without the gnawing realization that your baby is unattractive and you didn't really want it in the first place -- I just need to get a job). On an up note, my house is finally coming together. For the first time since I moved in, I actually enjoy sitting in my office. Hmmmm... I have a great idea! Instant fun!

That glimmer of nerdy magic in my eye and that intentional cleavage shot can mean only one thing -- a grand tour of my apartment! Let's journey through my house together. I went paint-crazy, so I'll highlight the colors rather than the boxes still stacked around the house. (sidebar: WHY DON'T OLD HOUSES HAVE CLOSETS?!?)

We'll start with the living room, which I painted brown. "Tatami Tan" is what they call it 'round these parts.

Next, we travel into the kitchen, where Thunderdome is as bored as I am.

You like the paint? It's called "Sunfart," or something like that.

My favorite office ever. Orange accent wall! I chose the color not because of the actual color, but because it's called "Obstinate Orange." which reminded me of Miss O from The Letter People (because she was OBBBSTINATE!!!).

Red bathroom!! I call it "Sassafrass," but Sherwin Williams still calls it "Daredevil"

It compliments Wonder Woman nicely.

So that makes me happy (even though I'm lacking makeup).

I got a blue bedroom!

...and a beige hallway.

Damn! I have to stop ending the tour with that hallway. My mom forced me at putty knife-point to paint the damned thing beige. She was right. It's better than plain white.

Well that's the tour. I could show you my deeeeelightful front porch, but it's nothing to write home about yet. Needs patio furniture. Potted plants. You know the drill. Also, please don't take this little tour as an open invitation to break into my house and rape me or anything. I've been watching an obscene amount of Rockford Files lately, and old Jimbo has certainly taught me how to swing a punch. Also how to lure a henchman into a public bathroom and humiliate him with taunts and handsoap.

More to come on Rockford Files later.

For now I'll try to sleep. Stupid sleep. I'm so bored that even sleep is boring.

Sorry that I haven't returned your calls lately. I will soon.

Nancy Drew Mysteries #420: Case of the Neglected Blog

2007-09-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

I know.

It's awful!

I done disappeared.

You want to know where I've been? Okay. I won't hold you in suspense any longer.

(In my new house.)

Painting and sanding and ripping shelves off the wall. All the junk that comes with a new place.

I took the bar exam over a month ago. What am I doing with myself right now? Some may be vacationing in Europe. Some may start their new "jobs" as "lawyers." I prefer to spend 90 minutes painting a bathroom door.

HELP! RESCUE ME! BRING ME GLUTEN-FREE BEER!!

Dismember Me with Love

2007-07-04T12:40:00.001-07:00

In celebration of the 4th of July (aside from watching 1776 for 24 hours straight), I came up with this movie idea:

It's called "Dismember Me with Love." In the style of a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, the story is a murder mystery / pseudo-feminist buddy comedy. In the movie, two precociously-paired friends decide to follow their dream and open up a small business. Joleen and Roxanne (similar to Cagney & Lacey, but without that dick cop element) scrape together their money and open up a store in the local mall, called "Remember Me with Love." The store provides a place for customers to make video diaries, wills, and messages. Once recorded in the store's sound-proof booths, the videos can then either be kept by the store until the client's death and released at that time, or the client can take a copy of the video with them. The store is a surprise success.

Things soon get suspenseful when a member of the local city council visits their store one day. Just hours after he makes his tape and leaves with it, the councilman is murdered in cold blood! Joleen and Roxanne are the only ones in town with the original copy of the tape, and some very dangerous people will do anything to get their hands on it -- even MURDER! Also, Joleen is an alcoholic and Roxanne's husband beats her. I haven't worked out the last part of the plot, but that will factor in to the dramatic conclusion of.... DISMEMBER ME WITH LOVE!

I know, it's not spectacular, but it's better than anything I've seen on Lifetime recently. If you feel inclined to steal my idea and make some bank off of it, please cut me in. I have about $20 million dollars in student loans to pay back.

More sick of myself than Matthew Sweet could ever be.

2007-07-01T05:13:00.000-07:00

Gah! No more! I've been checking my blog once or twice a day since I made that last entry. Why hasn't anyone updated it for me? I don't have anything to say at the moment (especially since I take a simulated 200 question bar exam multiple choice test in an hour and a half) (and yes, it's currently Sunday morning at 7:17 a.m.) but I'm tired of looking at those same damned pictures....

I just found this in the paper. You are required to read it.

"I'M KILLING A VAMPIRE!!!"

Mama got a mullet?

2007-06-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

Pop quiz, hotshot! Who just received one of the greatest haircuts of her life?

Have you guessed yet? I know, this one's tricky.

If the above clue didn't tip you off, I'll go ahead and tell you... ME! I gots a pseudo-mullet.

My fantastic stylist Carla recently went to a conference where they showcase new styles. She saw this nouveau-mullet done in one of the demonstrations and today she pulled it off flawlessly. Woot!

Sorry to keep posting about my hot shit looks. I promise to get this blog back to the form & force it once was. Soon. I'm studying too much right now. I don't feel creative enough to make outstanding entries... but that's all going to change with my new hair style. Right?

I got them Jeffrey Dahmer glasses!

2007-06-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

So I went to the eyeglasses place today where you buy the eyeglasses. I got new eyeglasses... in under an hour! They have clear plastic frames and couldn't be lovelier. Oh yeah, guess what they are -- BI-FUCKIN-FOCALS. I had to get bifocals. I'm 25 years old. I have grey hair and bifocals at the age of 25. THIS IS YOUR FAULT, DEAN DESSEM!!! YOU MADE ME THIS WAY AFTER THREE YEARS OF TORTURE. Anyway, when I got home, I was so excited that I tried to put them on the cat:

But he didn't want to see them because he doesn't wear bifocals. So I put them on the dragon:

Then I decided to try them on and strike a pose:

And another pose:

I loves me these glasses!!

Vitamin Deeeeeez NUTZ! (sorry. I couldn't resist)

2007-05-28T07:55:00.000-07:00

Oh snap, girl! This is your 200th blog entry! Where you been? Why are you writing an entry at 7:55 a.m. on Memorial Day morning? Shouldn't you be asleep?! Yes. Yes I should. Sadly, sleep has escaped me lately. I've had about 2 weeks of freedom since graduation and I've managed to turn my sleep schedule completely on its head. Go to bed at dawn, sleep until I have somewhere to be. This plan is working for now, but it's all going to come to a crashing halt when the bar review classes start on Wednesday. Wednesday?! But that's only two days away! I tried to go to sleep tonight at a decent hour, but to no avail. My mind is racing. Spinning in circles. Since it's long past sunup, my plan today is to stay awake until I collapse out of sheer exhaustion. So sad. In contrast to my notoriously awesome feats of procrastination in undergrad, law school taught me that I've grown too old to pull all-nighters. Some other things law school taught me:

-- Stress can actually make you go gray at the tender age of 25. Last month, I let my roots grow out a little too long and noticed that HALF of ALL MY FUCKING HAIR has turned gray. My temples are around 80%. Hoping that this shit is somehow reversible, I called my mom for advice. She said that gray hair is gray hair forever. Jesus.

-- Flashcards are the only way I learn anything... wait. Maybe I learned that lesson when I got my Sesame Street Grover Speaks Spanish® cards at age 4, but I tend to forget the important stuff. Like your birthday. And Spanish.

-- Law school doesn't prepare you to be a lawyer. It prepares you to sit for hours and concentrate on mind-numbing material long enough to take the bar exam. Personally, I recommend cutting out the $70,000.00 debt-making middle man and just signing up for one of those home-based "Professional Career Development Institute" courses I see on the TV. You know, where you can study to become a paralegal. Then just take the bar exam. Accreditation? Aschmeditation! To back up my suggestion, here's a testimony I stole off the actual PCDI website:

-- Hmmm.... well... yeah... that's about all law school taught me. I guess it also helped me to hone my reptilian brain, but I'm not too proud of that. Mostly because it makes me an asshole. [sidenote: If you haven't yet clicked on the link for "reptilian brain," you're missing out. It exposes the shocking connection between a well-developed reptilian brain and THE ILLUMINATI -- Errrn, I smell me some Reptile Rapture!!!]

Last night, I saw a story on the local "news" (i.e. a pound of fluff wrapped in 30 minutes of flubbed lines and mismatched video clips) about vitamin D deficiency. Are you vitamin D deficient? Probably. Here's the scoop on vitamin D. If you're like me -- on a gluten-free diet, moderately lactose intolerant, and you burst into flames when exposed to sunlight -- vitamin D can be hard to come by. Wait. Did I just describe myself? Or a vampire? Or a Vampyr Kryst? Regardless, here's a link to a factsheet on vitamin D. Read it... or get rickets! The fact sheet says you're supposed to have around 200 IU of vitamin DEEEEEEZ NUTZ (damn! I did it again!) per day. My multivitamin has 400 IU, so hopefully I'm covering my bases. If not, I'll be forced to resort to a life of chugging cod liver oil.

You want to see some pictures of my graduation? Here. I was going to only post a few choice photos, but I'm too lazy to pick them out. Special bonus! Something the cameras didn't capture? Polyester dress + heavy velvet & polyester robe + hot sunny day = me sweating like balls.

Yikes! This post is awful. I apologize to you, my faithful reader. You = Horus, because he's the only faithful reader I got.

Since today is Memorial Day, is there a parade or something I can go to? I need a parade right now. Sans rain. Example:

Oh! Special Bonus Funny Girl Clip Memorial Day Blowout Extravaganza!! You're welcome:

Holy shit. I was only going to post one bonus clip, but this is too good. Ready for this? Diana Ross & the Supremes performing my absolute favorite song from Funny Girl (confession? I call it "my theme song" because I'm a fag). This performance manages to swing from creepy to absolutely fabulous to back to creepy. Much like Diana Ross herself.

An Urgent Message from a MySpace Bulletin I Just Posted:

2007-05-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

If you live in Columbia, Missouri... riddle me this....

What is the most annoying local commercial you can think of? We should form a consensus on this, decide the most irritating one, and start a letter writing campaign to the Columbia Tribune -- INSISTING that Big-Shot Mayor Darwin Hindman weigh in on this issue.

Check him out:

My vote is for the "Shoulda called Atkins" commercial that uses the public domain footage of old Tarzan movies. The worst. Jon & I just added up the numbers tonight and realized that fucking commercial has been playing for around five years. Five years too long, Atkins.

Idle threats.

I took a 3 1/2 hour long final this morning. Thirty two minutes ago, I emailed in a 16 page research paper. My brain is fried on school. I have a closed-book, three hour long final tomorrow morning at 8:30.

In one week, I'll be totally done with law school and ready to return to my life of high society. Remember me, America? I'll be seeing you soon. Especially the part of America with bars. I miss Eastside.

"Garfield is known for hating Mondays despite the fact that he has no job."

2007-04-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

The above quote is from the Wiki article about Mondays. I thought this was the most important take-away point from the entire page. In celebration of that lasagne-loving cat, a Monday afternoon short list:

1) Remember those ladies who used to ask you to do surveys at the mall? I suppose the internet made them obsolete, but they'll always have a special place in my heart (mainly because my heart is eternally devoted to 1980's marketing ploys and tv sitcoms). They carried around clip boards and would hassle you while you strolled around the mall. Unlike most people, ten-year-old me thought these survey ladies were awesome, so I always tried to talk my mom into agreeing to take the surveys. The one time she finally broke down and did the survey, I was lucky enough to tag along and commit the entire experience to vivid memory. They led mom and I into a little room in the back of the mall. We had to watch five trailors for the third installment of "Alien" and tell which ones were our favorites. I felt like we were in on a big secret. Years later, I discovered to my dismay that Aliens 3 actually sucked. Big time sucked.

2) This made me laugh.

3) Today in the Trib, they ran a story about a 19 year old college student who hit by a drunk driver and died over the weekend. It was one of those typically depressing stories about what a good person she was, but her dad said something that creeped me out: "My daughter was the epitome of innocence." Please dad, if I die prematurely, don't tell people I was the epitome of innocence. I would be totally embarrassed... from BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!

El Creepo...

2007-04-17T22:09:00.000-07:00

Virginia Tech massacre = bad, sad horrible tragedy. Agreed. However, did you happen to check out the shooter's writings from his playwright class? One of his classmates kept her copies of his stories (which is always a good idea, since I had a future pedophile in my creative writing class and can now look back on his essays with a different perspective). There are two of them. The common theme? Getting raped by one's father figure. Imagine that! Here's the first one. Here's the second one. Sad sad sad, but they tell me a lot more about the shootings than the fucking TODAY SHOW broadcasting LIVE from the campus this morning. Jesus.

DILEMMA!!

2007-04-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

I'm facing a dilemma and I need your help.

Today I finally grew tired of my current ringtone selection on my phone. You can only hear "Rock n' Roll High School" so many times before it drives you mad. MAD!

I know it would be easy to make my own ringtones for free, but there's something about paying $2 for a stupid snippet of a stupid song that I enjoy. Here are my current options. Which one should I choose? Hurry! I only have a few more hours before I'll give up revert back to my old "Trapped in the Closet" ringtone...

1. Johnny Paycheck - Take This Job & Shove It
2. Michael Jackson - Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
3. Kris Kross - I Missed the Bus
4. Dio - Holy Diver
5. Miles Davis - Freddie Freeloader
6. Wheel of Fortune Theme Song
7. Ozzy - Crazy Train (it gets more complicated because there are TWO options for Crazy Train. I could either get the intro or the chorus)

What do you recommend? I'm leaning towards either Dio or Ozzy. Which song would you most like to be annoyed by?

I also found some disturbing things on Cingular's ringtone site. Who would pay $2 to get a ringtone of William Hung singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"?!? This guy?

Disregard my nervousness. Please, uh, please ignore my vacant stares...

2007-04-10T16:45:00.000-07:00

Remember yesterday when I was overwhelmed by all the shit resting on my shoulders? Yeah, not today. Granted, I did a bunch of stuff yesterday and today. For example -- I just charged TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS on my credit card. Paying for the bar review is expensive, brah!

In fact, I did so many small things that had to be taken care of, I find myself with hours of free time until Jon gets out of class. Hours? What will I do with hours of free time and not a shred of creativity or energy left in my body? After careful consideration, here's a list of what I do when I have absolutely no desire to be productive and no ability to be awesome:

1. Listen to Led Zeppelin III on repeat until I get tired of it and listen to the first Violent Femmes album on repeat.

2. Look myself up on Google. On today's Googling adventure, I discovered that there is an entire fleet of buses in Madrid, Spain that share my name. Check it:

Apparently these buses are also chauffeured by a team of British butlers:

3. Talk to Erin on the phone and insist on researching whether or not her new jobby-job will drug test. My prediction? No.

4. Oh shit! I'm boring you, aren't I. I bore myself too. Remember the days when I wasn't boring? Here are some examples:

When I dressed up as a Republican for Halloween in 2004.
[I even posed with a real Republican to authenticate the look. Man was I chunky monkey back then]

When I dressed up as a teenage goth kid for Halloween in 2005.
[Cody was there. He can vouch for how un-boring and entertaining I was at the time]

When I bought that plaid suit at the estate sale.
[and it rocked my fuckin' world]

When I dressed up for Pants & Audrey's wedding.
[and accessorized the outfit with a live animal]

Okay. Enough of this bullshit. I'm going to eat the rest of that chocolate easter bunny and stare at the wall until I can go out for drinks later tonight. I'll be fun then, I swear.

And she passes looks, as well as bills, to every suave young man

2007-04-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

Newsflash! I'm losing my mind! So many things I have to do. Graduating in about 4 weeks. FOUR WEEKS?! Have to write a research paper, have to finish my case summaries for Royce, have to learn all three of my big classes, have to mail in my Bar registration and character & fitness, and more and more and more... there's also an ACLU of Mid-Missouri meeting at Classy's on April 28th. You want to go, don't you? I set up our blog & e-mail group today. It was thrilling. I'm fairly certain that the person who designed Yahoo! Groups is mentally handicapped, but what can I do? They use an exclamation point in their name and I'm oddly drawn to that. Fuckin' Yahoo! Groups.

So I went to my parents' house for the Zombification of Jesus Day. Did we go to church like Shotwell's family? Church?!? Pshaw! We didn't even pray at the beginning of the meal. For being such a church-crazy family in the 1980's, we seem to have fallen far from Jeebus. Hopefully we'll never be forced to go back. I would burst into a shower of flames if I set foot inside of a church. You know, because of my dead soul and all. Regardless, Dad made some stellar food that was both gluten-free and vegetarian and Jon & I ate ourselves silly. There was even creme brulée for dessert. Yeah! Creme fuckin' brulée.

Oh! Did you hear that I passed the Multistate Professional Responsibility Exam? In fact, I passed it so much that I'm ethically up to par in EVERY FUCKING STATE. Wooot! I was a little worried before the scores came out today, but I did the best I could and apparently it paid off. I ate half of a chocolate Easter bunny to celebrate. My life is slowly turning into a Cathy® comic strip. ACK!!! (Get it? Cathy? She likes chocolate and her ass is ever-expanding...)

Last night after we got home, I decided to finish off an open bottle of wine and watch THREE HOURS of "Banned from the Bible" on History Channel. The stories were all incredibly engaging and I recommend that you catch it if you see it in replays. You want to hear my favorite story? Don't pretend like you're not interested... Thecla.

Have you heard of this shit? You Catholic kids probably have, because she's a saint now, I believe. Here's a website about the story. Here's another one. I'll give my five-second summary so you can get a feel for how awesome this is -- the only thing missing is unicorns:

So Thecla starts hanging out with Paul. She becomes an ascetic and denounces the institution of marriage because she and Paul know the world is going to end soon. When a wealthy guy asks her to marry him, she turns him down. The guy turns her in for saying "no" and she's supposed to be burned at the stake. They start burning her at the stake and God sends a thunderstorm down to put the fire out. Thecla and Paul escape and wander around preaching to people. This marriage proposal business happens again in another town and this time she's thrown into a lion's den in one of those fancy arenas the pagans liked so much. The male lions started to attack her, but the female lions surrounded and protected her. Instead of being split by religion, the audience suddenly split into women vs. men. All the women were cheering for her, all the men against her. The lions didn't kill her, so they tried to throw her into a tank of sharks. Apparently God had the clever idea to shoot the sharks with LIGHTENING BOLTS and they died. Thecla then proceeded to baptize herself in the shark tank, because she couldn't get any men in the church to baptize her! Sista's on fire! Hot fire. Since Thecla took a leadership role that supposedly good Christian women shouldn't, church officials made sure her story was excluded from the final version New Testiment. The end. Like I said, all this thing was missing was a group of flying unicorns who swooped down and picked her up. Ahh... feminist Bible fantasies... If only they would've featured that shit in an episode of The Flying House.

I miss Ronnie Belliard.

Dirtbomb, whaaaa???

2007-04-06T00:17:00.000-07:00

Jon turned me on to this shit, and you will be a better person for having listened to it.... Seriously. It's the best.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKE CURRY.

Good luck, Erin. You're going to knock the socks off of those stuffy TFA peeps.

I'm sending out the good vibes and I'm totally drunk.

Holla at yer gal!

PS -- You know what rocks? White Lion.

I named mine "Queensrÿche"

2007-04-03T14:53:00.000-07:00

I'm going to say one thing and I'm only going to say it once...

Holy Fuck.

Erin, these Swedish jerks beat you to the punch!

Adventures in YouTubing?

2007-03-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

At lunch today, Jon & I went to Chipotle for a good ol' fashioned Burrito Bol. We had the pleasure of eating lunch with the other Jon, who planted a good idea in my head. He told Jon that he was on YouTube and found a video of them doing security at a 311 concert in Columbia. He said we could find the video if we typed in "Columbia Missouri" in the YouTube search box. Why didn't I think of this before?!? Look at all the wondrous things I found! My top 5:

1. Attack of the Hipsters!
Every frame in this godawful montage looks like a contrived MySpace profile picture.

2. Are douchebags with souped-up cars called "carbags"?
Because these guys are definitely carbags:

3. Attack of the Fred Parry!
Check out this lame video for a lame party of that notoriously lame magazine, Inside Columbia. Also, Fred Parry is a fatty:

4. Why is that Evan I see?
Look! I found Evan playing a song at Eastside. I wonder if it was dedicated to his stalking victim of the summer:

5. Speaking of Evan's favorite lesbian...
If you skip ahead to minute 21:50 of this video, you'll see a photo montage of a fashion show that Errrn did for Andrew Shirk this summer. We audience members almost died of heat stroke, but my girl looked like a real model and such:

Special Bonus video!!!

Apparently Columbia is home to an Ultimate Fighting ring?

I hope this is a prisonyard fight, because Boone County Jail needs to toughen up its reputation:

Happy Friday, jerks!! Spring Break 07 is drawing to a close. Now it's time to top it all off with a visit to the fucking DMV. Fuck the DMV.

I've been keeping you in this dumpster for weeks now. Found this vest on a hobo and put it on you to keep you warm...

2007-03-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

What a lovely day! Lovely day! Around noon, my landlord knocked on my door with a delivery. Buckingham's BBQ! Beef brisket! With fries! FRIES!! Okay. Maybe it wasn't that exciting, but it was my favorite kind gesture ever from a landlord. Granted, I've been letting him show my apartment to potential tenants for the past few weeks and was totally owed free BBQ for that.

I'm in Drafting Legal Instruments class now, which is usually a 2-hour long class on Friday afternoons. Professor Popcorn announced that class today will only be an hour long. TGIF, indeed.

Since the Rockford Files theme song is rolling around in my head right now, here's a special Friday treat:

It's time to blow my Rockford wad.

Here's a clip from a show in which they likened Evangelical Christianity to fringe cults:

Here's a clip from today's show where Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World plays an asshole Special Prosecutor hell-bent on blaming Rockford for the kidnapping of a union leader. Lots of 5th Amendment talk. Rockford's sexy public interest lawyer girlfriend is also included in the mix:

How could this day get any better? I'm chock-full of beef brisket and looking forward to hours of NCAA basketball tonight.

Writers Block, Cock Block, or Eastern Bloc?

2007-03-15T16:29:00.000-07:00

Whatever it is, it's definitely not a party in my block ("block" being my noggin, of course). Block head? Block party? Bloc Party? I haven't been able to write anything lately. Emails, blog posts, etc... out the window. For instance, I've been meaning to email Jason Lee (from high school, not Scientology) for over a month now, but I can't seem to sit down and just write it! What's wrong with me? I've only been able to compose small notes to people telling them to update their damned blogs. Shotzi listened to me. Now that he's updated, I guess I should write something, eh?

Here goes...

A few weeks ago, I opened my cable bill and saw that I am now getting charged for HBO, Starz & Encore. Lame! So I summoned up the dybbuks who occupy the soul of every Mediacom employee and begged of them modify my channel settings. They listened. Now, instead of getting HBO and the like, I pay just $9.99 more a month than I used to for a plethora of mind-blowing channels (i.e. all the ones that are above Channel 97 on the Mediacom guide). Biography Channel, Style Network, G4 {showing both Arrested Development AND Cheaters daily}, MTV2, la la la... you name it I've got it. A sample of the amazing things I've encountered on my TV travels:

-- "Around the Services" on the Military Channel.
A nightly news-type show from the same brilliant minds who brought you Vietnam! Mediacom describes it as "military news from top Defense officials," but I like to describe it as a "a neo-con's wet dream." No criticism of Bush. No bad news about the war in Iraq. Creepy. I couldn't handle it for more than 15 minutes.

-- On the Game Show Network, I caught a Public Service Announcement by Howie Mandel. Also, I wrote it down:

"We all know we should spend more time talking to our kids.
The best place to do this? The dinner table...
MEAL?! OR NO MEAL?!?"

I kid you not.

-- One of the movie channels had the film called "fFolks" playing, so I checked out the description:

"Action yarn with Roger Moore as a misogynist leading a commando mission."

Sign me up, Mediacom! What ever would I do without these channels in my life?!

-- My biggest discovery thus far has HANDS DOWN been The Rockford Files. It plays on Sleuth Network (all mystery shows all day long, brah!) and I've fallen in love with a circa-1970's James Garner. Check out the Wikipedia page for it. Who knew it was actually as brilliant as I deemed it to be?!

As my own public service announcement of sorts, I made a short list of things that will automatically make you more like Jim Rockford himself. Follow these 5 simple rules and learn:

1. Never wear a seatbelt. Ever.

2. Live in a dilapidated trailer next to the ocean.

3. Call your girlfriend "cheeks" and call the bad guy "turkey."

4. Two words: Plaid Suit.

5. Basically anything you can do to look more like this would be a good start -->

Are you still reading this? I know. I'm lost in a world of Rockford.

To reward you for sticking it out this long, here are some pictures:

Jon's uber-amazing-cute niece, Ella, and Me. Hangin' out on the floor.

Me, about 23 minutes ago:

Me, about 24 minutes ago:

The Gluten-free Lifestyle Kicks My Ass Once Again

2007-02-25T08:55:00.001-08:00

Good morning, jerks! How've you been? Seven days left up to my own devices, and what do I have to show for it? Why nothing more than an burning rash and a handful of sweaty, twenty dollar bills.

While Jon was busy this week creating his homage to Jarrett in the form of a MySpace group, I found these pressing news items for you savages:

1. Who says jury duty is so bad? Twelve lucky ducks. If the government guaranteed that I would get to see hours of BDSM videos in a court room, I would serve jury duty every fuckin' day! They would have to keep me out of jury duty by sticking straight pins through my eyelids! Please?!

2. What's the best way to honor Black History Month? By visiting the "African American Flavor Center" on the Kraft Foods® website! I shit you not. Want some delicious information on collared greens and Shake n' Bake® chicken?? They've got it. See for yourself. I'm not creative enough to make that up... In your quest for some "soulful recipes," you can even check out some inspirational MLK quotes! Because that's what his legacy entails, after all.

[sidenote: You can also check out the new Philadelphia Ready-to-eat Cheesecake Filling, because it looks FUCKING AMAZING]

So remember that post I made about "delicious gluten-free hashbrowns" from McDonald's? I was wrong. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong... Kristin taught me a valuable lesson in NEVER TRUSTING WHAT BOOKS SAY. The fuckin' Gluten Free Bible led my people ASTRAY. That bitch of an author, "Jax" is nothing more than a false prophet.

Kristin (a.k.a. my new gluten-free Yoda) says that the best place to find up-to-the-minute information is from the companies themselves. So while the BIBLE OF LIES says that McDonald's has gluten-free french fries and hashbrowns, but Burger King's fries are tainted with wheat... the companies' websites now say that Burger King uses dedicated fryers for their fries (i.e. not fried with anything else containing gluten), while McDonald's now adds a wheat-based "beef flavoring" to their fries and should be avoided by celiac sluts at all costs. What would I do without Kristen? I shudder to think.

Also, Kristen tipped me off that you can go to Burger King and ask for a "low-carb" version of any burger your heart desires. The next morning, I immediately hopped on over to my local BK and demanded (not asked -- demanded) a LOW-CARB BACON DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER (PLAIN). My most all-time favorite of favorite burgers. This is what they gave me:

DEEEEEEELICOUS! This is how I looked when I finished eating it:

I know. I looked like an asshole. But a satisfied one!

Jesus Christ, Fanny Brice, Wolfie Mozart and Humphrey Bogart

2007-02-18T07:58:00.000-08:00

Jon & I had the pleasure of seeing the one & only Deadbeat Club on stage last night at Eastside. They tore the place down. Check it out -- from their appearance on Pepper & Friends back in in October:

[sidenote: In looking up the website for Pepper & Friends so's I could link it for your animals, I stumbled upon the OFFICIAL COMIC STRIP of Pepper & Friends!?!? It's called "Pepp-osterous" (get it?!).] Anyway, back to The Deadbeat Club...

Highlight of the night? Andi and Jarrett's outfits looked stellar and they all sounded perrrfeck.

Lowlight of the night? Witnessing an unmitigated display of bat-shit insanity from Jon's ex-girlfriend! We were all standing near the stage in between songs, when a banshee-like shrieking started up next to us: "Don't fucking bump in to me! I don't fucking like to be bumped into!! FUCK YOU!!..." It went on and on. She was screaming at the guy in front of her while giving him a crazy, glazed-over stare, called a random girl in the audience a "cunt" and was eventually reprimanded by Pants for her freak-out. It boggles the mind to think that Jon endured SIX YEARS with that train wreck of a human being. Gross.

Oh! Speaking of crazy, check out Britney Spears' latest shit. You know you've hit rock-bottom when you're forced to shave your own head in the salon because the owner doesn't want to be sued for doing it. Also when you immediately follow it up by getting a tattoo of "red and pink lips" on your wrist. Poor Britney.

At least she didn't call anyone a cunt, eh?

Hats off...

2007-02-08T22:29:00.000-08:00

The best cure for a night filled with weirdness?

Listening to Led Zeppelin III -- over and over and over and over and over and over.... and over....

Jon is resting like an angel. A sweet, sweet, enraged angel. With Ryan's IP tracking skillz, we totally figured out who pulled the e-mail stunt. Glaringly obvious.

I owe you one, Ryan. Thank you very very much for your help.

People lose their jobs for compromising student email accounts, doncha know?

bron-y-aur stomp, indeed!

Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition!

2007-02-08T08:01:00.000-08:00

What a fine day for the Christian community (a.k.a. "the silent majority," y'allz). Reverend Ted Haggard is finally 100% hetero! Gotta love it.

Shout out to Kansas City's favorite judicial clerk Mr. Harper Esq., who experienced the fallout from yesterday's explosion in a downtown chemical plant. It sounded absolutely awful.

Last night, I had a nightmare about dead birds dropping from the sky, killer whales swimming around the Lake of the Ozarks wearing white undershirts, and touring Wilder Valderama's mansion in southern Missouri. Maybe I'm getting a little too Nostradamus for my own good, but that sounds like an apocalyptic vision to me.

I have four classes today -- two of which are over an hour and a half long, one that's two hours long, and one is a sweet 50 minutes. I'm dreading the schedule, but Jon (suffering through a cold he picked up from work) got me breakfast from McDonald's this morning. Delicious, gluten-free hashbrowns out the wazoo!! I appreciate that immensely.

Back to the grind.

Choo! Choo!! All Aboard the Drama Express! Next Stop: Crazytown

2007-02-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

You'll never believe this. It sounds like it's ripped from the pages of some teenage soap opera (don't deny it, no one can forget Nickelodeon's 1991 smash hit teen drama classic "Fifteen"), but it's just mi vida loca. You know I'm not one for drama -- come to think of it, every time I say the word "drama" in reference to a social situation, I feel a little too much like Mary J. Blige -- but I must share this bit of crazy with you:

So Jon's at his J-O-B yesterday, diligently working to bring foreigners over the border and into our beloved university, when he gets a mysterious email from some clever bogus address. The address? rotinhelljerk77@hotmail.com (addresses like these are always a solid indicator of drama coming down the pipe). When he opened the suspicious message, he saw that someone had forwarded him emails written by me! Me! They were taken from a correspondence I had this summer with a gentleman friend of mine. They weren't romantic or sexy or anything that would normally send a boyfriend into a jealous rage. In fact, they were written before Jon & I ever entered into our storybook relationship and were written during a time when Jon was giving me amazing advice and support in that very situation. Suffice it to say, the emails weren't anything new to him, but receiving them in such a strange way was nonetheless baffling. One question remained -- where did they come from?

Upon hearing about this strange occurrence, I immediately dialed my preeminent partner in crime and got to work figuring out who sent this and how they could have obtained my personal emailz. Erin is just as stumped as I am for a few minutes, then she remembers that just last week, someone broke into her email account and sent loony, nonsensical messages to one of her friends from her address. She then recalled that this summer, I forwarded the emails in question to her email (as bff's often do), for her final seal of approval before I sent them. We were pretty sure that my email account hadn't been hacked, because if someone wanted to taunt Jon with emails I wrote to other people, there are much sexier options to choose from in my Inbox.

Based on this knowledge and the impromptu database we've collected of the possible culprits, here's my profile of "rotinhelljerk77@hotmail.com".....

1. Deeply crazy (especially if it was the same person who compromised Erin's email address)
2. Jealous of my relationship with Jon, but doesn't know the details or time line of our goings-on
3. Tragically immature and unable to communicate like an adult
4. Probably suffering from incontinence (because you can't be this crazy and not have bladder control problems)
5. Either a teenage girl, or someone operating in the capacity of a teenage girl

So that pretty much whittles down the pool of possibilities to a select few. You know who you are. If you would like to step up to the plate and try to do something noble for once, feel free to send me a legitimate email and we'll discuss this like grown-ups.

It's strange. You think that by the time you hit your mid-to-late 20's, silly things like this would be confined to watching it unfold on The Hills or Maury. Okay, maybe not Maury, since there's no paternity test involved -- YET!!

On to more important things. I had a dream about David Arquette last night. He was still making those godforsaken 1-800-CALL ATT commercials, but I was trying to convince him to stop since he was killing what is left of his "career" and because pay phones are a dying breed. Damn that Arquette! Worming his way into my dreamscape again. Why does the collect calling fad of the late 90's and early 2000's continue to haunt me as I sleep?

Schools in, suckas!

UPDATE -- Just to be sure nothing in my email account had been compromised, I logged on to see if everything was on the up & up. I found a draft in my Drafts folder of the email in question (which was written in early August), but the draft was dated more recently and when I pulled it up, it was without a header (just like the one sent to Jon). I suppose that my email account may indeed have been hacked. Classy. I guess insisting that my password remain the default "tigers" for the last seven years and wearing a t-shirt that said "my email password is 'tigers'" was a bad security decision on my part.

The TRUE Super Bowl...

2007-02-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

Well, it's that time of year again. Time for another Bowl game. What Bowl? PUPPY BOWL!!!

I've always been more excited for Puppy Bowl than anything the Super Bowl has to offer. Especially since Puppy Bowl 2, when they started featuring the Bissell Kitty Half-Time Show.

What?! You've never seen Puppy Bowl?!?!

From the description on my Mediacom Digital Cable listing:

"Puppies cavort in a play area that looks like a football stadium in the third annual event that offers an alternative to the Super Bowl. Included: a halftime show featuring kittens."

In other important news, Jon & I went to Cucina Sorella this morning for breakfast. They were out of hollandaise sauce, ranchero sauce, and fucking MUSHROOMS!! No huevos rancheros, no eggs benedict, no wild mushroom frittata. Fuck you, morning restaurant with shitty service and delicious thick-cut bacon. That's the last time I let you all screw me over. Paul & Leta highly recommend Cafe Berlin. I'm thinking they're on to something.

softly, softly, catchy monkey

2007-02-02T14:32:00.000-08:00

MySpace is being a bastard today. It started out this glorious Friday by repeatedly telling me I had new messages and new comments, but it LIED. Nothing new, nothing going. Now I can't even access the damned site because apparently "the server is redirecting the request for this address in a way that will never complete." FIX IT, RUPERT MURDOCH!

I'm in my two hour long Drafting Legal Instruments class right now, but I've spent a good chunk of my class time looking up articles and pictures of Edie Sedgwick (a.k.a. "The Paris Hilton of her day"). Expect a string of uncomfortable debutant junkie jokes tonight at Otto's, as I've got Sedgwick on the brain.

Class is out early?! I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Let the weekend begin, suckers!

Boner Jams '06!

2007-01-31T12:12:00.000-08:00

My favorite picture the Tribune has ever published:

You can't deny the awesomeness of this photo. Especially since it was taken during a "dress as your favorite character from literature" day at a local elementary school.

Booot boot boot

2007-01-30T14:42:00.000-08:00

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah....

I'm bored.

I've been bored all day.

So I Googled myself.

You know what I discovered? THE SUB-PAR MEDIA IS ALL OVER MY ASS!!

Back in November, I was knitting at Coffee Zone with Miss Amy M and had the pleasure of being interviewed by a dashing prepubescent lad named Tyler. Tyler whispered sweet nothings into our ears and coaxed our knitting histories out of us. Then he turned around and used them in an article for the Missourian. That cad. Checkitout!

Sidenote... remember the TV show called "Check it Out"? I became enamored with it during the week I had chicken pox in 4th grade. I've never seen it since then, but I'm pretty sure it was the greatest sitcom ever put to film. Ain't nothin' finer than grocery store-themed humor.

Anyway, my Google journey then led me to two Maneater articles from 2000 that profiled my dorm roommate Katie and I. Kick axe!

Article 1 a.k.a. "The Most Poorly Written Article I've Ever Read"

Article 2 a.k.a. "The Poorly Written Follow-Up"

Okay. Enough of this. I've even become bored with blogging.

List-o-rama: Quarter-Life Crisis Edition

2007-01-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

As you can tell by the egregious lack of updates, I'm still not back in the swing of things. In fact, I'm feeling so far out of the swing of things, that I'm probably going through some kind of quarter-life crisis. I'm in the throes of my last semester as a student and I don't want it to end. The prospect of taking the bar and getting a real job is terrifying to me. Bastards. How's about a lighthearted list of awesomeness to lift our mood? Here goes:

1. What does one do if she feels that she's experiencing a quarter-life crisis? Why she gets her hair did, of course. Browntastic! I'm looking more and more like my evil twin every day...

2. Oh! I got a J-O-B as Royce's research assistant. Although I hear I'm not the only one. If the rumors are true, Bryan, looks like we'll be sharing him for the semester. I say we have t-shirts made. T-shirts with pictures of naked chicks on them, because we want to convey the sense that Royce's RAs are baddest of badasses. Only a badass would wear a titty shirt to school, right?

3. Yeah, it's 10:00 and I'm not in class. So? You wanna fight? Admin Law started at 9:30 this morning, and I woke up on my own at 9:35. That alarm clock isn't all it promised to be. Mainly the "waking me up" part.

4. My apartment is fiiiinally coming together. I went to the Targetz on Monday and bought a whole bunch of decorative boxes to organize my makeup & hair stuff. And yes, one of the boxes looks like it's made from dead animal bones. You don't want to know what I keep inside of my bone box...

5. I also bought this dang ol' dragon because my Feng Shui book told me that dragons bring good energy to your home. Dragon!

6. List within a list! My favorite new shows that I actually set reminders on my cable box to remind me to watch:

- Bad Girls Club (because Ripsi be back!)
- The White Rappers Show (because dem white folks is crazy!)
- Engaged & Underage (again, dem white folks is crazy)
- Dateline: To Catch a Predator (because I'm waiting to see Jon on there)

7. Okay, so there aren't that many shows rattling around in my head right now. Did you notice that Jon has started a blog on Blogspot? He's finally freed himself of the mental shackles placed on him by Rupert Murdoch. In fact, Jon is just like a slave. He washed 800 pounds of my laundry last night and instead of thanking him, I whipped him and locked him in the trunk of my car. Slaves went through that, right? Whew! I no longer have to wear paper towels as underwear! I appreciate him.

8. Best parent of the year award?

9. Dead baby in a suitcase award!

... and with that, my wad is blown. Time to put on my face and trudge to Estates & Trusts.

My 40 day vacation from this blog was court-ordered...

2007-01-12T13:28:00.000-08:00

but I'm back now! Don't leave me now, baby! Give me one more chance. I'll CHANGE, baby! I'LL CHANGE!!

I've managed to stay alive for an entire MONTH after turning 25, so I think I'm owed a present. You'll have the honor of buying me this:

It's called a "Kittywalk 5th Avenue Pet Stroller" and I will be using it to walk my babies around downtown... in a stroller-cage. I found it on Linens-n-Things.com. It's not deserving of a link.

Jon got off work early today because of the treacherous, icy conditions. So he came home, got bored, and promptly wrote this on the back of the receipt for his watch:

---------------------------------------------
Plot Notes: Hollywood Romp a.k.a. Cannonball Run Meets Steel Magnolias in the Bathroom at Chili's
-- Still-beating heart of a deceased infant licked clean by Jim Bakker
-- Demanding an apology from God
-- Swimming instructor for 17 cats
-- Nell Carter and her best friend, former U.S. Congressman Newt Gingrich, knew that having sex would just complicate their relationship, but fate had other plans...
-- Entire cast of "Meerkat Manor" thrown into mouth of active volcano by Jennifer Aniston.
---------------------------------------------

Genius!

A side effect of Cabin Fever? It burns when I pee.

2006-12-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

Study break, bitchezzz! Sorry it's been awhile. I've had my nose buried in outlines and flashcards for the past few weeks. This personal hell of mine won't be over until December 12th at 11:30am, so I'll probably be M.I.A. until then.

In the meantime, a few things...

1) We're trapped! 16 inches of snow fell on Columbia two nights ago. MU canceled classes for the first time in over 10 years. My car is still invisible under a mountain of snow. The cabin fever is rotting our brains! Jon has devised a plan to tunnel under the snow and steal hubcaps from other cars in the area. Then we'll melt down the hubcaps and turn them into sleds. MAGICAL SLEDS that will hover above the snow and fray and gently glide us to Cracker Barrel, where we will eat omelets to our hearts' content.

2) Okay, I lied. We're not entirely trapped. Last night at around midnight, Jon & I ventured out of my apartment on foot and trudged to the gas station down the street. We bought a bottle of Seagram's 7 and received complementary glares from the pseudo-goth kid behind the counter who was listening to AFI or some shit like that. Regardless, we drank 7 & 7's like cabin-fevered fiends and smoked cigarettes in my bathroom. You know. Your typical Friday night.

3) A special treat for people in law school or people who like to identify armed robbers...

So I was reading the Tribune online yesterday and came across this article about a series of robberies at the local Michael's. The cops released a sketch of the suspect. Checkit:

I was immediately taken aback at the fact that I totally recognized the person in the sketch. None other than Evidence professor extraordinaire, Frank O. Bowman! Checkit:

Yeah yeah... it's a stretch to think that a federal prosecutor turned law school professor would ever resort to robbing a local craft store... but we can dream... can't we?

Pssst...

2006-11-15T10:14:00.000-08:00

This guy is my new favorite crackpot. Make sure you read to the last sentences of the article.

Brilliant!

In the realm of not brilliant, lets all remember why we often yearn to move out of Missouri...

Gooches!

This is crazy Republican shit has gone too far.

Dear Chumps,

2006-11-13T22:20:00.000-08:00

Help me! I'm entwined in the throes of PMS and unable to chew through the duct tape binding my arms and legs. I can only write these few sentences...

Jon called in the post below on his shoe phone. (FYI -- Those pants used to be full length, but I tore them off at the knee during our violent struggle that ultimately led to me being locked in the trunk of his car).

Watch out, Jon's blog -- I'm a'comin' fer ya...

Nickens, you scamp!

I finally hit Julia too hard, and now she can't post her own blog

2006-11-13T20:55:00.000-08:00

Do you find yourself waxing nostalgic about the halcyon days of the 1990's? I do, sometimes. I miss the audio-train-wreck noise assault of bands like Drive Like Jehu and The Jesus Lizard. Hell, once in a while, I pine for the hate-fueled vomit rock of Unsane or Guzzard if I'm drunk, squinting, and have just exited a conversation with a college radio DJ sporting painstakingly, carefully disheveled hair concerning the virtues of The Wonder Stuff or some fey-handed, mopey, wannabe British group that occupies valuable and undeserved space on the Cool List.

Oh, fuck this stupid beat-around-the-bush, heavy handed, I-have-a-better-record-collection-than-you-do (I do) bullshit. I'm a man, bitches, and I've got the keys to Julia's blog. I make the same visceral groan that an 18 wheeler semi whose ignition switch has just been turned by a yeti in a gently worn, sleeveless, black Morbid Angel T-shirt (vintage, or freshly eBayed? Doesn't matter) does when I empty the contents of my (average sized, at least!) spent wiener into my detached, ungrateful stepfather's bathroom trash can after having discovered a treasure trove of aged-to-perfection 1970's porno mags on one of my many trips home to beg him for $30.

Sigh. I mention all of the above only to reestablish the shaky grasp I've barely been able to maintain on the paper-thin veil covering my ever-deteriorating masculinity. And now, in order to vainly attempt to make up for my chronic impotence I have to make this post on my girlfriend's blog. I'm slipping slowly into homosexuality as I type this, with the gentle wind of the cast of CMT's TRICK MY TRUCK caressing my ear in the background. Please God, let my ascent to gaywadedness take me soon.

So here's what Julia has been up to since last she updated...

-- Julia and I haven't been up to much in the past few days outside of begging for pennies in front of Lidz near the food court in the mall. Christmas is coming soon, and in order to bless my lady not only with the miracle of my love, but that black-on-black Georgetown basketball Starter® jacket she coos gently into my ear about AD FUCKING INFINITUM, a brotha's gotta make some scratch. Unfortunately, the close proximity to Charlie's Steakery probably doesn't help, as I can't imagine a truly savvy consumer NOT spending every last penny in their pocket on one of their delectable, possibly meth-laced sandwiches.

-- Julia's cats are still obnoxious, and are likely plotting to kill me. I'm still not overtly obnoxious, and am likely plotting to spend over an hour devouring more than $15 worth of Taco Bell in one sitting and returning to her apartment to take a giant reconstituted-beanstuff dump in their litter box.

-- Although Julia recently won a Webbie® award for her magnum opus on the Montgomery Gentry fan fiction site, she's not as proud of the award she won for her modeling work for Inside Columbia's photo spread on hermaphrodite cat owners. I don't remember all the details, but I do remember that although she mentioned that the spread wouldn't run in the next issue right away, she was given $16, rubbed her crotch against a hobo's bald head, and will be debuting the piece on a website called... let me check here... uh, bumcum.com.

-- I'll leave the rest of the updating to her. Adieu, sweet faggots.

Retarded kitten? Hermaphrodite cat?

2006-11-05T11:29:00.000-08:00

After witnessing Thunderdome pull a double flip in the air and land with a THUD on her back today... for the third time in less than 5 minutes... I began to wonder... is my kitten retarded?

Indicators that My Kitten is Mentally Handicapped:

1) She frequently scratches peeling paint off of the door frames, then eats the paint chips.
2) She licks and chews on the toilet brush in the bathroom
3) She falls off of window sills and lands on her back
4) She EATS. PAINT. CHIPS.
5) She smokes meth with her deadbeat, good-for-nothin' neighborhood hoodlum kitten friends
6) Her name is Thunderdome
7) Did I mention that she eats paint chips?

In researching Thunderdome's ever-changing eye color today, I stumbled upon a whole bunch of research telling me that Dr. Baby either has Klinefelter Syndrome (meaning that he has an extra X chromosome) or is a chimera (the mutant freak produced when a female egg fuses with a male egg in the womb). Check it out! I wasn't aware that male tortoiseshell cats are very rare. He happens to be a male tortoiseshell cat (I don't think he's just a somatic mosaic, because his base color is black). The person who bred Dr. Baby told me that "he" was a "she" when I first adopted him. Seems to make sense now. He should've been a she.

Who knew that Dr. Baby might be an LGBT cat?! Ah well, just more evidence that the gay agenda is alive and well in my apartment....

A Gluten-free Diet is the FUCKIN' BOMB, DAWG!

2006-11-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon, juice boxes! As promised, here's a recap of my recent attempt at gluten-free living:

About two months ago, I started helping out at Classy's on the weekends because Leta broke her leg and was totally unable to wait on people. One day while business was slow, Paul started telling me about his discovery a few months back that he had Celiac Disease. Since you're too lazy to click on the link, I'll tell you that it's basically an intolerance to gluten (a protein found in wheat, barley, and rye) He had always loved breads and pastries, but had a history of getting sick all the time and having stomach problems and the like (his nickname as a kid was Pukey Paul). He's telling me about all of his ailments and how cutting out gluten dramatically improved his health, when I started seeing a lot of similarities in the way I operated with food. So I resolved to not eat gluten for a week and was amazed at how quickly I started seeing a huge difference:

-- my moderate allergies & often severe asthma are almost gone
-- red cheeks aren't so red anymore
-- no more bumps on my arms
-- no more upset stomach after I eat
-- no more acid reflux! For the past 3 years, I was taking Pepcid AC every single night before bed. If I didn't take it, I would wake up in the middle of the night with acid in the back of my throat. No more Pepcid for me. Woot Woot!
-- my ADHD hasn't been so severe. Not a big change, but noticeable in me. Focusing sans-Adderall is a little easier. I don't feel as foggy as I had before.

I gots to admit, it's really fucking difficult to not eat wheat. Everything is made from it! (Note that when I do consume wheat, the above symptoms come back a little bit - booooo....) I sometimes get wheat cravings, break down, and order Southside Pizza at 4am and I sometimes eat candy that probably has wheat in it, but overall I've been sticking to this wheat-free diet. I love it more than a fat kid loves cake.

Keep in mind that cutting gluten out of your life isn't simply cutting out starch. Potatoes and corn are now staples of my diet. Lots of fruit & vegetables, but I'm lazy so I usually just end up eating mixed nuts. Oh! I've even created a gluten-free version of my favorite meal -- a Classy's gourmet hot dog with cheese. Instead of a bun, I have Paul place the dog on a bed of mashed potatoes and smother it in shredded cheese. I know. The sexiest meal ever imagined. Everything at Chipotle (except for the flour tortillas) is also wheat-free. Also cock. That's allowed and encouraged.

Can you tell that I'm hungry right now?

One more thing before I stop going on and on about this shit -- Did you know that 1 out of every 100 people has some form of celiac disease? I know! That's a lot of fucking people in the United States who are undiagnosed. Anyway, if you're looking for a fun experiment, try cutting gluten out of your diet for a week and see how you feel.

Now back to sitting through class with Royce and dreaming about a Chipotle burrito bowl. I bet you $5 that Royce is dreaming about the same thing.

Pee Ess -- I'm totally going to be in an upcoming Missourian article about knitting. So if you wake up on a park bench covered in newspaper next week, check to see if my name is mentioned in one of the articles. I would've expect you creatures to actually go out and purchase one of those gossip rags on my behest. I know how cheap "you people" can be (Minotaaaaauuuurrr!!!!).

Lame to the XTREME Volume III: Faggot, Thy Name is Jon

2006-10-30T11:20:00.000-08:00

or Jon's proposed alternative title for today's monstrosity of an entry:

"From God on High Himself: My Motherfucking Earthly Peeps, Don't Be The Sort of Cock Slurping Ass Scrambler That Forwards Blogs to My Parents. That Shit Will Never Gain You Entry Into The Kingdom of Heaven. P.S. Fuck All Y'all."

(I think that actually had nothing to do with me or today's entry, but I post it nonetheless. If only because I fear for my safety when he gets angry.)

Well, well well!! Here she comes... limping back into the room... "Blogarella - Queen of the Blogosphere" no more.

So where have I been, exactly? The rundown:

sick -- no -- dreadfully sick for an entire week, mostly recovered, tripping balls for 5 days off some wicked powerful antibiotics, working at Classy's, drunk, borrowing my dad's kickass car, NEW GIANT TV!, more drunk, procrastinating outlines, finally mastering the art of applying BareMinerals (holla, Momz! You know how to make me feel prettyfied), feeling too lame to blog, unexplained sadness, experiencing the supreme awesomeness of Columbia's newest swank and semi-racist Mongolian Grill Hu-Hot with Ferg, Amanda & Jon, having my rightful title as Columbia's ACLU President temporarily thwarted until next week, obnoxiously celebrating an improbable World Series win, feeling too unoriginal to come up with a Halloween costume, witnessing Eastside's own Sal Nuccio belting out "Fairies Wear Boots" while dry-humping a giant upside down crucifix, inspired, drunk, drunk, happy, feeling the itch to post an entry about my odd vacation from you, my sexy little blog.

...and all the while staying (mostly) gluten-free.

I'll write something more topical soon. Maybe if you're lucky, you'll get a detailed description of the bacterial infection in my tonsils, throat, and hangy-down thing in the back of my mouth that produced gallons of puss & mucus and rendered me wholly unable to SWALLOW without wimpering and crying like a kitten I just kicked across the floor. Speaking of, Thunderdome has wormed her way into my heart. Now I can't skin her and turn her into KITTEN SOUP like I had initially planned.

Blogger, why do you hate me?!

2006-10-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

Can you read this?! Can anyone read this??? Blogger has fucked up my blog. Blog Blog Blog this all to hell.

I'll return, rest assured. Why am I cursed by the evil overlords at blogger.com?! WHY???

Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar? I wanna go south and get me some more...

2006-10-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

So I was piddling around my apartment today. Getting primped up for the grand MU Law School's tradition of "3L Composite Photo Day." Yeah. Class pictures. Come to think of it, the only thing separating law school from high school at this point is the fact that we're of legal age and actually encouraged to become alcoholics.

Anyway, I'm piddling around the apartment today, listening to Cyndi Lauper's classic She's So Unusual. Out of sheer boredom in the midst of Remedies, I decide to look up "She Bop" on Wikipedia. The article was run of the mill, but I was surprised to find this link at the bottom of the page.

Don't get me wrong -- I love Wikipedia like a wise old sage who often loses his mind and shits his pants, but this "List of Songs About Masturbation" is just too lame. I would be curious to see a picture of the person who sat in his or her basement for days, compiling the master list and high-fiving themselves every 20 minutes. (Get it? High-fiving? Get it?!)

Wednesday NY Times Crossword Puzzle, here I come!

You know what? Here's what.

2006-10-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

A few things that are on my mind:

1. Break-ups are difficult -- but so is being stuck in a relationship that feels like you're suffocating and slowly dying every day it continues.

2. Just because I'm not constantly airing my feelings on my blog doesn't mean that I'm not affected. I simply don't think it's appropriate to pull all of my friends into matters of the heart.

3. Only one person rallied around me when I was miserable in that relationship. Everyone else saw me as a bad guy when I finally ended what had already been dead for months.

...and that's all I'm gonna say about that.

TIME TO MOVE ON

Read this and say "innnnnteresting"

2006-10-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

Take that, Sylvia Browne!!

Fascinating.

I think this is might be the next step in proving Jesus wrong. It also explains why that shadowy figure keeps trying to deter me from reading when I touch the exposed wires sticking out of my kitchen wall.

Presenting...

2006-10-01T08:02:00.000-07:00

Why "Thunderdome"??

Because we don't need another hero. That's why.

Last night Jon & I went to Nathan's birthday party. Bum with a Dog played, which was lovely. Especially the song about When Harry Met Sally... but then things went terribly, terribly... awesome...

The greatest musical pairing since Sacco & Vanzetti:

Perfeck! Jon's going to kill me.

AHomoKittenSaysWha???

2006-09-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

Guess who got a new kitten today....

Give up? Don't care? Yes you do! This thing is prrrreeeccciouuss.

I adopted her from the Humane Society. She's 2 months old and still doesn't have a name. Help me out here. Think of something brilliant. Jesse already came up with "Clarence Thomas." It's the current frontrunner.

PICKSHERZ!

The Greatest Video Ever Made

2006-09-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

Check check it, bitchezzz!!!

The Gods of Professional Responsibility were smiling down on our class today. Or maybe they were smiling up, since the God of Professional Responsibility is probably Satan.

Gah!

2006-09-20T23:40:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Access Hollywood (AH) and my brain cells are depleting by the second. Before I die a slow and painful death -- I just remembered this -- a long long time before I could read, I used to bring my Dad the funny pages and insist that he read every single comic to me. I remember this from the time I was about three years old. That may be my oldest memory. I wonder if that's where I learned my sense of timing when it came to making funny. Indulge my egotistical tendencies here -- he was the first person I heard telling jokes on a daily basis, and he would make weird pauses before reading the very last frame of the comic. Yeah. I know. I should be asleep. Some quick notes from AH (that's "Access Hollywood" to you, squares)....

1. There's a controversy on Dancing with the Stars because people are concerned that Mario Lopez has had "special secret" dancing training in his past which he failed to disclose to the show. Yeah, AC. We've seen your bullshit on Saved by the Bell. Pleeeeeeeaaaaazzzze.

2. Anna Nicole Smith's "alleged" baby daddy was concerned about the pictures released right after her newest spawn was born and just hours before her old spawn died. "Their first photos of their family! AND ALSO THEIR LAST." {seriously quoted from AH} So her baby daddy claims that, in one of the last photos of Anna's son ever taken in the whole history of the world.... Dead Daniel was wearing a necklace BABY DADDY gave Anna before he impregnated her!!! So not only is the kid dead, he was dead wearing a woman's necklace given to her by a soul-sucking whoreboy with bleach-tipped hair.

3. Seriously, how can the hosts of these shows sleep at night? This is worse than anything a lawyer could be capable of. My chosen profession can't be this degrading... can it?

4. I think I might have a sensitivity to gluten. More to come on that. It's time to sleep.

Thanks for not being a pussy

Andy Rooney Time...

2006-09-17T14:38:00.000-07:00

You know what I just realized? I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, but I must admit that:

Father of the Bride is an annoying, piece of shit movie.

Before today, I always thought that it was watchable on a Sunday afternoon while I was procrastinating doing my readings for Monday. How wrong I was. I've experienced a complete overload of the sappy moments where Steve Martin's Daddy Heart is breaking while his whore of a Kimberly Williams daughter is "growing up" (i.e. constantly throwing Bridezilla-style temper tantrums). That sickly little non-Macaulay member of the Culkin Klan is also flashing his puppy dog eyes at the camera every ten minutes. The circles under his eyes are startling. He looks malnourished. Add Diane Keaton with 80's mom hair and the movie becomes a recipe for disaster.

Someone save me!

B.D. Wong as the gay Asian wedding planner is giving me the willies.

A TGIF for the ages...

2006-09-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

FOUND! French-tipped manicured Lee Press-On Nail. Possibly a thumb nail. Found abandoned on the sidewalk next to the Alumni Center. I didn't put it in my pocket, but I managed to get some pictures with my camera phone. It was a sight to behold. You want it back? Too bad. I fed it to a squirrel.

Lizzie McGuire-style Middle School Picture Day!!!

Tiptoe down to the lonely places

2006-09-14T13:26:00.000-07:00

Jolly good day, friends and neighbors!

Have you ventured outside on this fine Thursday afternoon? It's gorgeous. Once again. If only it was 20 degrees cooler -- I wouldn't need to burden my moms with all of this laundry.

I talked to Paul today and it looks like I'll be making a brief, but spectacular return to the world of restaurant service on Saturday and Wednesday night. Classy's needs me. I'm there for them. Oh yes. I'm totally there. I asked him what they wanted me to wear when I served. He told me "something that looks nice, but not... y'know." Slutty. Apparently my love of spandex tube tops won't cut it anymore. Am I wrong to argue that Columbia needs more scantily clad servers? Hooters and Show-Me's are fine, but Classy's needs to join the titty waitress bandwagon.

Speaking of people leering at me while I shake my stuff, I was sitting around the Artisan on Tuesday. Minding my own business. Knitting up a storm. When a stranger approaches me and asks if he can take my picture while I knit. No joke. Justin Giles witnessed it. What would you have done? I contemplated the creepy nature of his request for a minute, then said "yes" and continued what I was doing (namely trying to unwind a ball of yarn from another ball of yarn). He started lining up the shot and said to me "No, I need to see you really knit!" He got a few pictures. I don't know who he was. So if you frequent any knitting fetish sites on the webz, let me know if you see me. I thought my scarf was pretty unjackable, but I could be wrong...

ACS meeting. Tonight. 6pm. Shakespeare's. You should come. We're buying a couple of pizzas with our leftover money from last year. Minotaur is going to knock the socks off the new batch of students. Actually, I just gave away Step 1 in his ultimate 1L seduction plan.

Serious question time:

1) How much money would you pay to sleep with the dreamiest man in Hollywood -- Peter Sarsgaard? I think $300 is all I could manage, but only because I would be paying him in student loans. He made an appearance in my dream world last night. It was a good night for dreaming.

2) If you only feel compelled to blog when you're frustrated and/or unhappy, should you include a disclaimer at the top of your blog alerting people to the fact that you're not really an asshole?

3) Why did I take 71 pictures of myself as I was getting ready to go to school today? No need to answer. It's because I'm so damned cute.

Look out Myspace, Mama's got some fresh mug shots to upload...

I'm the last of the good old fashioned steam-powered trains

2006-09-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

Paragraphs escape me right now. My life in list form:

1) Custom Muffler quoted me $4,000 to rebuild my transmission. I told Jon their quote. He simultaneously balked and scoffed so hard that his brain exploded out the back of his head. When the brain goo was cleaned off my wall, he recommended Privitt Auto Service on Sexton Rd. Good move. They also balked and scoffed at Custom's price and are currently fixing up my transmission (and speedometer! wooot!) for $2,300. Still high, but much better than $4,000. Fuckin' Custom. Seriously, don't go there if you can avoid it.

2) I just went to the Better Business Bureau's website and filed a complaint against Custom Muffler. In writing up my comment, I listed my age as 23 for some reason. I've been 24 since December. I should know that by now.

3) This morning at 7:30, I woke up from a dead sleep to blood-curdling screams. I thought someone was getting raped outside my window or getting murdered in the street below. No such luck. You want to know what it was? MY FUCKING NEIGHBORS ACROSS THE STREET. HAVING A PARTY AT 7:30 IN THE MORNING. IN THEIR FRONT YARD. The screaming and drunken chanting continued until... well.. they're still out there right now. At 4:40pm. Although now half of them are either passed out on the lawn or asleep on the couch. Yes, in the front yard. They managed to drag a couch out into the middle of their lawn. Fuckin' kids. 19 year olds give me a headache.

4) Speaking of, I was getting my hurr did yesterday at the Strand. I mentioned to Carla that I watched a video of myself when I was 19 and apologized to her for insisting on keeping those hideous bangs of mine. We both had a moment of existential crisis when we realized that I've been her client for six years now. SIX YEARS. I'm getting old. At least Carla has kickass purple hair at the moment. Have you seen it? She's the greatest. To lessen the blow, she sassed mine up, too! Fire engine red chunks, muthafuckas! I know you secretly love it.

5) My parents are going camping tonight for the first time ever (no joke! We were people of the suburbs). They're going to get drunk with their Republican friends and sleep in their mini-van. I'll be expecting a whiny phone call around... midnight? Yeah. I'm thinking midnight. Good luck, suckers!

6) I'm finally going to see Little Miss Sunshine tonight. Hopefully. Call me if you want to go with us. It's going to be a ragtag group of mercenary soldiers and Catholic missionaries, so you'll surely fit in.

7) Lazy Saturday indeed. No photos. No links. Just straight shit talkin'

An Open Letter to the Rat Bastard Who Stole My Shit

2006-09-06T09:03:00.000-07:00

Dearest Thief,

Yesterday, I basked in the glow of my brand new carrel. Carrel #51. Check the map, asshole. I folded up the Tuesday edition of the New York Times and placed it on the shelf above my desk. Oh, how I longed to tackle the Tuesday Crossword Puzzle. How I longed for it! Alas, I was forced to toil over Remedies & Bus Orgs for hours upon hours.

When I left for class at 2pm, I waved goodbye to my newspaper on the shelf. I think it waved back. It knew I would fuck the shit out of that crossword puzzle upon my return and it couldn't be happier. I also had some junk mail sitting on top of the paper that I got out of my school mailbox and was going to throw away eventually, but I digress.

This morning, I trotted into the liberry to happily complete the puzzle I had been dreaming about all night, when I discovered that you sir (or madame) had STOLEN MY NEWSPAPER (and my junk mail -- SUCKER!).

One simple question for YOU, dear thief: Why? Why take my paper and leave the tempting pad of pink Post-It notes that were sitting next to it? What pleasure did you derive from absconding with the only thing that I love in this world more than TURKEY LEGS and anal fisting? Did you simply rip the crossword puzzle out of the pages and discard the news-filled shell that remained? Did you read the entire paper? Do you even know how to read? Or did you simply use it to line the cage where you sleep at night, you filthy fucking animal....

Rest assured, I will hunt you down like a dog and murder you in the streets of Columbia. I know who you are. You have the ink of guilt and shame splashed across your mongrel hands.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Yours truly,

Lady J Bonham
Carrel #51 Occupant
Tuesday NYTimes Crossword Puzzle Lover
Trained Killer

Sometimes you're crazy then you wonder why. I'm such a baby 'cause the klarbrunns make me cry.

2006-09-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

Sittin around sittin around... My car is at Custom Muffler right now.

Possibilities:

-- The transmission might be shot.

-- Or it could just be a coolant leak.

-- Or it could just be the fact that I sometimes get under the hood and hit the engine with a hammer until fluids come oozing out.

Who knows!?!

As you may well have guessed, I once again jinxed the Cardinals to a devastating loss on Tuesday. Minotaur is skilled at predicting these things. While the game was a wash, I was able to score a gigantic BBQed TURKEY LEG. The last one I ate was in high school on our senior trip to Six Flags. Until Tuesday, I only thought you could get them at Six Flags. How deliciously wrong I was! Best damned TURKEY LEG I've had in years. The new Busch Stadium may have crushed my childhood memories, but at least they provided me with a $5 TURKEY LEG to make up for it.

Oh snap! Did you hear that I'm now hooked up with internetz AND digital cable AND free HBO [for 2 months, at least]? How did I manage to finagle my way into free HBO? Charm and sass. Also I think they have a deal going on right now. Regardless, I've got HBO on Demand for awhile. If any of you bitches want to come over and have a marathon viewing of Dane Cook's Tourgasm, you're welcome to it. Of course I won't be here because Dane Cook makes me want to pull my hair out. I need to see more self-loathing and less Weird-Al-but-I'm-a-charming-date-rapist schlock if you're going to impress me, Dane. I know. I know. America loves you. The most popular man on MySpace! Damn that Dane Cook!

What are you doing for Labor Day? If it involves TURKEY LEGS or massive consumption of alcohol, count me in.

Time to watch this fancy cable of mine and figure out what that smell is.

someday you'll see me on Richard Bey
for stalking the girls of Melrose Place

Cinderella, she seems so easy. "It takes one to know one," she smiles... and puts her hands in her back pockets -- Bette Davis style.

2006-08-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should post something. Just to keep posting. Keep going. Keep breathing. Keep reading. So sleepy. So tired of this place.

What is this weather we're having here in mid-Missouri, eh? I've been dashing back & forth between school and home today. Trying to decide whether to wear sunglasses or carry my umbrella. So I'm doing both. Right now, actually. Sitting in an empty carrel high on the top floor of the lawberry.

Sidenote: Do you think "lawberries" would taste like bacon and lies? Comments. Comments.

So here I sit. Umbrella open. Sunglasses on. People are starting to stare. Perhaps because I "forgot" to wear pants today. It's the only way to make new friends, you know. I've been to Harpo's. I see how these kids operate. Savages.

I still haven't set up my cable & internet service yet. I called Mediacom on Saturday and sat on hold for 73 minutes [Yes. Over an hour. SEVENTY THREE MINUTES] before hanging up in a huff and calling Jodie. Luckily, Jodie didn't make me listen to dreadfully bland elevator music. I appreciate that about her.

So I'm going to a Cardinals game tomorrow night in the nnnneewwww stadium. NEW STADIUM! I'm going to consume so many $20 beers that I bum-rush the playing field and have to be carted off by security. Look for me on SportsCenter. I'll be the one with the full-color Jeff Weaver tattoo covering my entire back.

So photorealistic! You can see the mad twinkle of meth-induced brilliance in his eyes.

Sweet nothings scrolled on a Pringle... swoon.

2006-08-22T13:21:00.000-07:00

Under direct orders from one Mr. Scott Parker, I triumphantly return to my blog-o-sphere. Where have I been for these past few days? Lost! Lost in an internetless whirlwind of magic and unicorns and rainbows. Okay. Maybe not unicorns. Since unicorns are extinct now. Holla Errrn.

Some things:

I moved in to my new place. The walls are brown! and orange! and Oscar the Grouch green! I'm not complaining. Expect a rockin' party when I get my shizz hung up on the walls and finally unpack my 20 boxes of scrapbooks and back issues of Martha Stewart Living (Thought I was a reader? sucker!)

My die-hard aversion to the bastards at Mediacom has prevented me from biting the bullet and setting up my internet & cable service... sadly, network TV has finally worn me down to the point of insanity and I'm on the verge of calling the evil overlords. I needs me interwebs! Blogging in the law school isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Richard fuckin' Posner is somehow worming his way into all of my thoughts and feelings at the moment.

I'm out of Adderall and have been for weeks. Not because I swallowed a whole bottle in one fell swoop and went on a mind-bending brainiac binge, but because I LOST my fucking prescription form. Lost it! I was too embarrassed to confess my idiocy to the wenches at ye olde Blue Team, so I procrastinated calling them until yesterday. School has begun. I've been attempting to read for Bus Orgs, Remedies, Professional Responsibility, blah blah blah... but to no avail...

What were we talking about?

I'm going to eat an orange.

ADD jokes never get old.

Jason Kempf -- will you marry me?... Oh snap! Too late.

2006-08-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

Wedding Time! Jason & Ashley got hitched yesterday. She looked beautiful! I took pictures, but left my camera in Mike's car. In Jefferson fuckin' City. Hopefully I'll get it back soon and post those bitches up on the interwebs, but Mike's car got stolen a few weeks ago and I taunted him about it -- so I'm pretty sure that my camera won't be there when we come back for it. Karma and whatnot. I'll discuss the service and the reception itself in a later post because I'm sans-camera. You gotsta see that girl's wedding dress! Breathtaking.

Since the service was at 11:00 am, but the reception wasn't until 4:30 pm, Erin, Ben, Mike & I had a significant chunk of time to kill. What we did:

-- Have you seen the bigger piggies in their starched white shirts?
Lunch with Dave at that restaurant in Jeff City where all the politicians eat steaks and casually discuss stepping on the necks of the poor to increase their profits from ethanol investments. Regardless, I still had one of the best plates of calamari I've ever had. Top 5. Most definitely.

-- Crabcakes' Jeff City: A Driving Tour.
Mike showed us the seedy underbelly of the town he's come to know and love. We drove by the Cracked Crab twelve times before I stopped counting. That boy is insatiable! We also had three separate conversations about Dungeness crab during the night. Shocker.

-- Rantin' n' Ravin' at Matt Blunt.
We took pictures around the Governor's Mansion. Erin gave him a piece of her mind on video. Oh did she ever! Ben's political career is underway. Especially when he spoke with those... common people... taking down chairs in the courtyard. The rest of us scoffed at them and put our noses up in the air as we walked by. As you should when trapsing around Jeff City in suits and satin and silk dresses.

-- Tolbert, Beadle & Mo' Money.
Mike & Ben flocked to International Wines while I took a few pictures of Erin standing in front of the law offices of Tolbert, Beadle & Musgrave. SETTLE IT! Robert Vaughn was hanging out in the strip mall parking lot. Oh yeah. I forgot to mention. The TB&M office was located in a strip mall. What a surprise! I thought they were more powerful than Bryan Cave and Hezbollah combined, but I guess not.

-- Bonesmokin.
Of course, the Crabcakes' Jeff City tour wouldn't be complete without a stop at a bar. We went to Bones Lounge & Restaurant. We even got to see Bones himself sitting at the bar. In the flesh. They call him Bonesy!

The reception came next. I'll wait until my camera is returned so's I can make a full pictorial entry detailing every slithery booty shake on the dance floor and every tear Jason shed in the process. Erin & I communed with cows for a bit. Real cows, not fat chicks.

I'm still tired! I slept on my mattress in the unairconditioned upstairs last night because Crabcakes & Minotaur passed out on the two couches. Bastards.

Oh my holy fuck! 227 is on TV Land right now!!! 227!! I absolutely loved this show when it was on. Just now, I even managed to catch the opening theme song that I loved so very much.

...there's no place like hoo-ooome... and I mean NO PLACE child!

More to come.

"Meeeerrryy. I got a date with a doooccctor."
- Jackée

Abraham Maslow spins in his grave...

2006-08-03T07:54:00.000-07:00

Hierarchy of Needs time...

Read this tripe. Diamonds? Shit girl, we don't even have running water. Running water! Apparently a water main broke early this morning and the area is without water until it gets repaired.

Granted, I can't go upstairs and do what I need so desperately to do right now, but alls I'm hearing is: "Congratulations, Julia! The City of Columbia trusts your hygienic habits well enough to let you out into the general populace without showering -- again!" Woo Hoo! It's like a get out of jail free card from bathing today.

Life is good.

Except for the lack of running water.

and everythng else.

Since I'm all dehydrated and still asleep and all that jazz -- shoot me an email if you would like to pretend to be my friend and listen to my problems. Yes, I know. They're mostly arbitrary and inconsequential, but they're tough nonetheless. Holla Katy, for the universality of the maddening situations we brave.

juliabonham@mizzou.edu

[It's listed in the school's online directory, Mr. Minotaur, so don't feel the need to publicly chastize me for handing out my personal information all nimbly pimbly.]

We sit here stranded, though we're all doin' our best to deny it

2006-08-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

You know what I did last night while the rest of the world slept? Tossed and turned. Tossed and turned. For hours. Then I woke up at sunrise. And I'm still awake. And I'm no longer tired. And its so lame and bizarre that I'm blogging about it.

Are there people still alive today who look like George Peppard did in Breakfast at Tiffany's? Where do they live? New York? Mars? Can I move next door to them? Will they age as gracefully as ol' George? Swoon. It must have been his raging alcoholism that made him sexy.

"I hope you don't mind, darling. I Irished up your coffee for you. So did I ever tell you about the time in 1972, when a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit...?"

Breakfast with Peppard.

Double swoon.

B.A. Baracus is about due to make a comeback. Why can't they reunite the A-Team for one memorable 2-hour special? Who can make this happen? TVLand? The 700 Club? The ghost of George Peppard? I'm sure that Face is still alive, too. He probably needs the work.

Here comes Timbaland, I'm also from the South. I like the the girls with big butts and golds in they mouth.

2006-07-31T21:30:00.000-07:00

101 degrees outside today! I know. Unless you live someplace made of tundra... like... Canada... you're probably suffering too. See, the difference is -- I don't deserve to suffer. You're most likely guilty of something. Especially you, Dan. You made a number of secretive phone calls while you were in town this weekend. I'll get to the bottom of it... even if I keep having to sleep in this Latino's car outside of your apartment every night for the rest of my life... or maybe a week. I dunno. I get tired easily. It's 101 degrees outside, after all. At least this El Camino has wireless.

Oh! D-Moll & I caught A Scanner Darkly tonight. Granted, I haven't yet read the story... but the plot seemed a little weak to me. Especially at the end. The animation was brilliant. Much more stylized than Waking Life, but I couldn't take the preachiness at the end of the film. It made me want to go out and do all the Substance D I could find. Just to spite Phillip K. Dick. Mostly just because of his name... and the film adaptation of I, Robot. That movie made me weep for the death of humanity. Did anyone else notice that Will Smith starred in a little minstrel show action? Just checking. (i.e. when he ate entire plates of soul food in the middle of the street. In the future. With robots everywhere. And flying fucking cars).

Anyway, I really loved the combination of Winona Ryder, Woody Harrelson, Robert Downy Jr., and Keanu Reeves (even though he's still an awful actor in this). The four of them, totally strung out on drugs for the entire film was really hilarious. I highly recommend that you see this in the theatre. Maybe under the influence. But don't take my word for it! {cue Reading Rainbow music}

Oh snap! Bette Midler is on Conan. It's like watching mom on TV.

Waiting.

Waiting.

August 5th!! Jefferson City! CrabCakes Butcher Shop! Open for Business! Ladies Beware. BEWARE!!

Can you hear it?

2006-07-31T10:47:00.000-07:00

Epilogue: Goodtime Karaoke Saturday Booze Cruise

2006-07-30T15:46:00.000-07:00

Just as a lesson to all you kiddies out there who are contemplating having the same crash-bang karaoke drinkfest I had last night, I'll share with you my alcohol-induced embarrassment.

This morning at breakfast, I puked in the bathroom at Cucina Sorella.

I know. I know. Luckily, I had just taken a Pepcid AC Complete and had only a few sips of iced tea, so it wasn't too "pukey" smelling... but still. Awful.

Drinking a lot is AWFUL.

I don't recommend it.

Also, I totally had to miss the FUCKIN' Boone County Fair Demolition Derby tonight! Damn those spirits! Damn them back to the unmarked bottle they flowed from.

Ahead of you lies adventure...

2006-07-30T00:24:00.000-07:00

You know what I like? Lemme tell you in this drunken condition of mine:

1) Guys who appreciate me in this sexy, slovenly, inebriated state.

2) Guys who are actually real men with backbone!!

3) Guys who get five votes when others only get one.

4) Guys who love me no matter what temporary, silly bullshit is sitting at their feet.

To guys!

To guys... Especially that Errn dude.

She's a class act.

Dudes aren't worth it, in the long run... Bonnie Tyler.

Funny -- when the laughter's over and the joke's on you

2006-07-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

My life: Asleep in the living room this morning. I wake up at 8am to the sound of Jodie trying to move her metal and glass desk set up to her room. By herself. So I jump from sleep mode directly into help mode. We're moving the desk up the stairs. I'm on the lower side of the desk. Wearing gym shorts & my Queen Bee slippers. The desk slips from my grasp a little bit and slams into my left elbow. It made a *crack* noise when it happened. I started seeing white. I had to sit down on the stairs while Jodie carried the rest of the desk up alone. Awful. Bruise forms immediately.

So I want to bounce back. I collect myself and start helping her move stuff again. I carry part of a shelf up the stairs, lean it against the wall, turn around to go back down the stairs. Things seem okay, then one of my damned slippers gave out from underneath me. I flew down the stairs, trying to stop myself with both elbows and apparently my tail bone. The bruising on my left elbow is nothing compared to the right elbow. This bitch looks nasty. Like my abusive husband (WHO I LOVE) decided to teach me a lesson or something. Pshaw. I can take care of that shizz by myself!

Lesson learned.

Don't help people move furniture.

You'll only trip on your slipper and fall down the stairs.

Hohan or Blohan? A question for the ages.

The ferocious rats cannot be handled...

2006-07-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

Good morning, chip-chip-chippies!

The sun is shining and all that jazz. NYTimes online is hopping. Me too.

Kick it:

My Favorite NYT Article in a Few Days

Republicans -- Supporting Incest since... well.. forever. FUCK!

Don't blame Margaret Spellings when we're all declared unfit to stand trial
{is it just me? or is Douglas D. Christiansen kind of sexy... Hmmm.. I agree. He's kind of sexy.}

Fascinating. Nauseating.

Man-made deltas and concrete rivers...

2006-07-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

I decided to break out of the confines of the house and putz around downtown this evening. Things I encountered:

-- A small biker gang rumbling down 9th Street

-- A hobo who first addressed me with "HEY PRINCESS!" then leaned toward me as I walked by and yelled "MY ADOPTION PAPERS JUST CAME IN TODAY. WILL YOU SIGN FOR ME?!"

... so I did. He's officially my adopted son and came to me malnourished. A substantial amount of teat-suckling is taking place. It's messy. Some of his teeth are missing - but I love my sixty eight year old son.

-- A soccer mom mini-van with a message hand-painted on the back window. "BABY KILLERS BEWARE."

-- You?

I shit you not.
All of these things are true.

Especially the mini-van.

Sargento -- our family's passion is... cheese?

2006-07-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

Guess where I am? Correct! Still on Erin's couch. If you weren't already awares, I'm staying with Jodie & Erin until my apartment is ready in a few weeks. I've been sleeping on the lovely vinyl couch that Chris ceremoniously handed down to Erin (kind of like that finger-touching business on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel -- whatever that shizz is all about). So I'm rolling around on this couch all morning. Half-sleeping, half-listening to everything going on around me, when I tried to roll over. As my legs were twisting around each other, the toenail of my big left toe caught the skin on the most sensitive part of the back of my right ankle and scratched the hell out it. The toenail scratch hurt so much I fucking screamed! Since I'm just now waking up, I decided to observe the damage. Yeah. It looks like I tried to skin myself. There was blood all over the back of my ankle. I had no idea. Anyway, it still hurts like a bitch and it's the only thing I can think of as I type this.

Guess what tonight is? Guess what tonight is?! Jenn & I are going to see Strangers with Candy at the RagTag. Wooot! I know. You're jealous. Don't be. I've invested too much in this. I'll only be disappointed... and my ankle's going to be killing me! Bastards. So if you would like to meet us there, give me a call on my celly celly ring ring (Bobby Trendy, where have you gone? Holy fuck that's really his profile) and I'll pick you up a ticket. Because I'm sweet like that.

Psych!

But really, I'll do it.

Hear me out!

2006-07-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we all know that Scientology is a cult made up by L. Ron Hubbard. In making his cult on a bet, he had to incorporate all different kinds of fables & religious influences, right? Right. Jump to today. Scientology's elders are in charge of Hubbard's empire. They await his rebirth. Conspiracy theory time:

TomKat got married because they made a "perfect" couple in the eyes of Scientology. The elders of Scientology wanted the tru successor of Hubbard to be raised by the greatest & most beloved couple in the world (world = Hollywood in this case), so they approved TomKat to be their Mary & Joseph (MarJo? Woot!). Since one half of TomKat is a total horticultural lad (shout out Errn & Patrick), the couple was unable to conceive a child. The elders were aware of this pitfall, so they prepared. Two elders conceived a child together, and TomKat was supposed to raise the child as their own. To do this, Kat would have to fake a pregnancy for the future image of Scientology. So right now, their stupid baby is missing. Where is it? Either the birthmother is overdue, or having 2nd thoughts about putting her child in the care of someone who is as crazy as fuckin' TomKat...

This theory could turn in to something. Hopefully Scientology will threaten to sue me if I don't remove this post and I can finally have proof that my theory is correct! Time to call the Weekly World News...

Das Teaches of....

2006-07-17T19:13:00.000-07:00

Oh man oh man.... So the Peaches show was last night in Lawrence. I was beside myself. I heard she puts on an incredible stage show, so I couldn't wait. Wooooo! Aside from the suffocating heat in the Granada, Erin's monumental nosebleed, and that giant sweaty guy who stood between me and Peaches... it was a FANTASTIC show. Her costumes! The topless dancers! The wacky-weirdo-hipster-losers in the audience dressed up in their wacky-weirdo-hipster-loser costumes. Everyone was drenched in sweat by the end of the show. My shirt was still wet when we got back to Columbia. Puke

The Eagles of Death Metal opened. I wanted to claw my eyes out after their first three fairly identical songs. (get it? Eagle? Claw?) They just kept playing.. and playing.. and playing. Dedicating every song to "ladies" and "bartenders." Too much of a shitty Queens of the Stone Age rehash for my likes (to quote Harrison). They were definitely not on Peaches' level. Sheeeeiiitt...

Shout out to Jenny for driving us in her Acuraahhhhh...

Oh yeah! Even more important than Peaches!!! ERIN & I EACH TRIED ONE OF THEM NEW KFC's FAMOUS BOWLS! Layers of the best KFC goodness you can find. Picture it. Plastic bowl + mashed potatoes + corn + fried chicken pieces + topped with BROWN GRAVY and SHREDDED CHEEEEZE! It was the perfect pre-Peaches meal.

I still can't believe I saw her in concert.

Swwwoooooooooonnnn......

Hurts so good I got a soregasm

My Best Move?

2006-07-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

Wisest Decision I've Made All Day = Downloading Cee-Lo Green... Is the Soul Machine.

How have I lived the past two years without this album?!

Nick is to thank for this venture in downloading.

America Salutes You, Nick!

...oh yeah... I guess it also salutes... itself?

Someday they'll clamor for my drama...

2006-07-01T22:58:00.000-07:00

Who is the pip with piz-azz?
Who is all ginger and jazz?
Who is as glamorous as?
Who's an American Beauty rose
With an American Beauty nose!
And ten American Beaty toes,
Eyes on the target, and wham--
One shot, one gun shot and BAM!
Hey, Mr. Keeney, here I am!
I'm the greatest star,
I am by far,
But no one knows it!
That's why I was born--
I'll blow my horn
Till someone knows it!
I'll light up like a light
Right up like a light
I'll flicker, then flare up (ha ha)
All the world's gonna stare up
Lookin' down
You'll never see me--
Try the sky,
'Cause that'll be me.
I can make 'em cry!
I can make 'em sigh!
Someday they'll clamor
For my dram-er.
Have you guessed yet,
Who's the best yet?
If ya ain't I'll tell ya one more time.
You bet your last dime
In all of the world so far
I am the greatest, greatest star!

So how was your Saturday night? Did you dance? Revel? Frolic with a herd of goats? Lovely!

Myself? I gayed it out tonight. By "gayed it out" I mean I spent the latter part of the evening downloading showtunes and singing (drunk) at the top of my lungs. You wanna know what I downloaded tonight? Here 'tis:

1. Funny Girl soundtrack
2. Diana Ross' solo debut album
3. The new Cat Power album, but there's nothing gay about that one...

The above lyrics are from "The Greatest Star" by Barbra Streisand. Currently my theme song. Also Dr. Baby's theme song... because he's sitting on my lap at the moment and only listens to what I tell him to... oh. wait. I think he may be into "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." He's purring like a madcat and his tail is flicking to the beat of the music. Yeah. Dr. Baby's theme song is officially "Aint' No Mountain High Enough" (because he's a diva at heart). He's really feeling the spoken-word part of this song. It inspires him.

Remember life holds for you one guarantee...

Do you party with K-Fed?

2006-06-27T18:29:00.000-07:00

I'm currently watching Kathy Griffin's show on Bravo. She just paid some dude from Laguna Beach (I won't utter his name here, for fear that I'll swoon & pass out) to come to her house and woo her 16 year old niece who is visiting from Illinois. I really do love Kathy Griffin. Keep an open mind and watch her show for 30 minutes. You'll laugh. A lot. I promise! Don't give me that look.

So someone deleted my comment from his blog today because he's waged war on my 1st Amendment rights... also my 19th Amendment rights.. but that's for another post. After reading the threatening email he sent me, I was struck with this brilliant idea:

If we in the blogging community <--{the faggiest thing I've written all day, by the way} are so worried about our personal information getting into the "wrong hands" (i.e. swarthy foreigners & Republicans), why don't we start putting fake information on our blogs? Fake home addresses! Fake phone numbers! Fake measurements! I'll start.

Julia Bonham
666 Lisa Frank Blvd.
Rainbow, Missouri 69666

Ha! Take THAT, IDENTITY THIEVES!!

Time to spread more lies about myself...

Keepin' up with the Klan

2006-06-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

I been gone for a minute now I'm back at the jump off...

How's it hangin' broheims? Did you miss me? Naw. I didn't think so -- seeing as how I "rescued" you from a snowstorm, only to end up breaking your ankles with a sledgehammer. THERE, LOOK THERE, NOW SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!

Oh! I've also just finished watching a documentary on the tee-vee. A&E apparently abandoned its strict policy of only airing "Biography: Billy Crystal" in order to suck us into the intellectual realm of those noble Klansmen. While I still can't wrap my mind around their awesomely stupid agenda, after watching two full hours of Klan members in their natural Klan environment I think it's safe to say that crystal meth is an epidemic sweeping the Southern hate community. I only hope that their primary goal (according to the documentary, the Klan is still all about Hating) won't be ruined by the scourge of crystal meth. Wait a minute... does this mean that crystal meth has its benefits?

I'm officially calling for the Klan to embrace crystal meth as their drug of choice.

It's the only way to fight back.

With drugs!

We're finally in the last week of Pretrial Lit. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's still dimmed by depositions and discovery answers and me curled fetal position atop a nest of toilet paper I've piled in the corner of the handicapped stall of the women's restroom. Ahhhh... summertime....

What is Seized

2006-06-18T08:19:00.000-07:00

So I was just reading some more Lorrie Moore. I was struck by how much hurt can be conveyed in just two, small passages:

"Cold men destroy women... They woo them with something personable that they bring out for show, something annexed to their souls like a fake greenhouse, lead you in, and you think you see life and vitality and sun and greenness, and then when you love them, they lead you out into their real soul, a drafty, cavernous, empty ballroom, inexorably arched and vaulted and mocking you with its echoes--you hear all you have sacrificed, all you have given, landing with a loud clunk. They lock the greenhouse and you are as tiny as a figure in an architect's drawing, a faceless splotch, a blur of stick limbs abandoned in some voluminous desert of stone.

... That is what is wrong with cold people. Not that they have ice in their souls--we all have a bit of that--but that they insist their every word and deed mirror that ice. They never learn the beauty or value of gesture. The emotional necessity. For them, it is all honesty before kindness, truth before art. Love is art, not truth. It's like painting scenery." (Lorrie Moore, "What Is Seized," from Self-Help)

Happy Father's Day, bitches!

My classmate, the child rapist.

2006-06-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

I'm reading Lorrie Moore right now. I don't know how she does it, but she's able to create a picture-perfect, early 1980's city setting in this one. Every word has so much weight. I tried to write like that in undergrad. It was a moderate failure.

I just watched this two times in a row. It still gives me goosebumps. I'm completely surprised that Bol put that on his site. I know this is going to sound like the worst, hippie-dippie shit I've ever spewed, but...

Cat Power was pure energy out there.

Whew. I said it.

Don't worry, that was just Wednesday's Phish talking.

I declare tonight -- Rental Movie Night. Wish me luck.

That damned Hippie... up to her old tricks again.

2006-06-14T14:42:00.000-07:00

Plans for my gigantic block of free time today (12:50pm - 5ish):

--pick up my prescription that's waiting for me the drug store
--fill out performance review sheets after watching the tape of Friday's mediation
--hand wash the "hand wash only" clothing
--watch or read something enlightening

What I am doing instead:

--sitting on the front porch
--totally zonked
--listening to Phish
--blogging

Oh wait! I suppose I fulfilled one of my "To Do" items today. I watched a few episodes of F-Troop (a million thanks to Ryan). Stay tuned. More on F-Troop later.

Much, much more.

Wrangler Jane = 1960's Mock Civil War Era Feminist Icon. Fer true.

Listening to Phish?!

I know. It's my summer pass. Sue me...

...but don't really sue me...

...we might wind up on Judge Alex.

You stay classy!

2006-06-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

Holy eff!

Amazing. Inspiring.

This is really fucking awesome.

His name sounds good in your ear...

2006-06-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

Max Powers
He's the man, whose name you'd love to touch
but you mustn't touch!
His name sounds good in your ear
but when you say it you mustn't fear
'cause his name can be said by anyone!

Homer Simpson just sang that. I forgot how brilliant that was. That should be Ben's theme song for his work. He's going to rock the house... the courthouse, that is. Zing!

I should no longer be allowed to post in public forums. Have you seen this shit? And this shit? Daaaaammmnnn.... I think it's all a lot of hooey, personally.

Tom Goes to the Mayor is on!! WOOOT!

Hot Mama!

2006-06-07T18:50:00.000-07:00

I know he's hilarious... and I know he wears a toupee... but why can't more religious leaders be like Larry Rice? Check this out. Exactly! That's what Jesus would do.... bitches.

In my mad dash to tell everyone about the new clothes, I made the rash decision to call my mom up on the phone and give her my blog address. Yeah. I didn't think about it before I did it.... Aahaaha.... You want to see some pictures of her? Excellent!

{Mom, since I know you'll want to look at yourself all day at work, you can right-click them with your mouse, then click "set as background image" or "set as wallpaper" or something like that}

Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful? Isn't she preciou--

Wait a minute.
Now I'm just ripping off Stevie Wonder.

"I'm driving an 18-Wheeler of Truth... and I'm about to Jack-Knife Justice..."

Estate Sale MAGIK!!!

2006-06-04T18:40:00.000-07:00

Today I made the wise decision to stop by an indoor estate sale with Erin & Jodie. An older woman with impeccable taste either passed away or went to a nursing home. Designer clothing out the wazooo! Her shoe collection was mind-boggling, but sadly she wore a size 4 1/2 in shoes. Lucky for me -- we were almost the exact same size in clothing!!! I promised myself that I would only spend $30, but I ended up dropping a whopping $57.00. I know. We stumbled upon a gold mine. Check out my haul:

Beloved item #1 -- A vintage, MINT condition 50% Angora / 50% lamb's wool sweater!

Beloved item #2 -- A kickass vintage jacket (with lovely brooch included). Much like a real estate agent would wear... Hmmm... career move?

Beloved item #3 -- The best of the best. A perfect Pendleton wool suit.

Beloved item #4 -- A stretchy yellow shirt. Button-up shirts are usually not kind to me, but I suspect this one will be.

Beloved item #5 -- Be still my beating heart. 100% silk shirtdress. It was missing the belt, so I added the skull scarf Errrn gave me. Perfeck!!

...and it swings!!

Woo Hoo!!

Smile! There goes your sanity...

2006-06-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

In times of profound sadness, I often like to take pictures of myself.

Why? To capture my dichotomy on film, of course!

This is one of those times.

Bask in my loveliness!!

Don't get worked up now, it's not the end of the world. However, if you want to call and let me talk your ear off about my life, feel free to do so. I would appreciate it.

Just like a ghost you've been a-haunting my dreams

2006-05-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

Behold: Chuck Cunningham Syndrome!!

Who knew?! It's a fucking epidemic in American sitcoms!

So yesterday I spent hours upon hours doing a little project for Pretrial Lit. We were assigned to stalk our professor on the internets [that's him on the right. you should really watch the short - directed by his little broheim - VAMPIRE VALENTINES DAY!], come up with as much information as we could find about him, and present it to class today. Yeah. I know. I was made for this shit. While I thought I'd honed my internet stalking skillz over the years, I was totally unaware of the Boone County Assessor's website. TREASURE TROVE! You can look up the titles to any property in Boone County. Wooot! I found the chain of title to the house we're living in now. Formerly owned by Margaret LLoyd. Next, I went to the Tribune and typed her name into the Archive Search. Lookit what I found from January 3rd 2001:

Last Wednesday morning, an 88-year-old Columbia woman was found dead on her front porch, apparently of hypothermia. Nearby residents last spoke with Margaret Lloyd of 202 West Boulevard S. about 9:30 a.m. the preceding day, Meyer said. The same people who spoke with her found her body about 10 a.m. last Wednesday. She apparently had stepped outdoors to get a newspaper, Meyer said. At the time, she was dressed for cold weather but wearing slippers. Lloyd apparently fell on the porch and was unable to get back inside her house, which was not locked. Meyer said people familiar with Lloyd said she had a bad heart and suffered from an asthmatic condition. She also had recently complained of difficulty breathing, he said.

I can't go out there now without thinking about her. Do you think she tripped on that old, shoddy outdoor carpet that's nailed to the floor? Do you think she suffered? Eerie...

I fully intend to clean up those cigarette butts that are littering the front porch... but I'm under the influence... so I'll probably be tripping all over shit while I do it.

My own hipster doofus memorial service for Margaret.

Georgia on my mind?

2006-05-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

I just looked at NYTimes online. Because I'm a nerd and it's 12:45 on a Saturday night, you know? I immediately started to read the Ray Nagin re-election story, but I became lost in the realization that Georgia has been my favorite font for about 10 years. Ten years! Look how far it's come. NYTimes Online. Makes me so proud. Huzzah for Georgia. Huzzah. Huzzah.

I'M BORED.

AND SELF-CENTERED.

I KNOW PRECISELY HOW LONG I'VE LOVED A FONT.

Ginger Spice Reborn

2006-05-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

NEW HAIR! NEW HAIR?! HAIR! EXACTLY!! THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID. NEW HAIR!

I start my new unpaid J-O-B tomorrow. I'm jittery nervous.

Even the Daily Show didn't help.

At least I gots this new hair.

I should go.

<-- This picture is giving me the willies!

It takes a train to cry...

2006-05-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

Now the wintertime is coming
The windows are filled with frost
I went to tell everybody
But I could not get across
Well, I wanna be your lover, baby
I don't wanna be your boss
Don't say I never warned you
When your train gets lost.

Wednesday? Hours to kill? Drunk? Dylan's Highway 61 Revisited is the way to go.

True American Girl -- Julia at 9 years old.

2006-05-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

Today I pulled out my diary from 3rd grade. Horrifying. 1991. Ohhh.. No sirr.... Not just any diary...

A 365 days a week Official American Girl Diary with 2 X 2-inch spaces for my innermost thoughts & feelings! After a close examination of this.. document... it appears that I was psychotic at nine years old. Also a poor speller. And a flake. I also may have confused my life for Valley of the Dolls. Directly from the source -- prepare to be royally annoyed by a petulant child:

About Me -- "I live at 2833 Olde Chelsea. My favorite things to do are play Nintindo, watch TV, eat. My favorite things to wear are my blue jeans and a compfertable shirt. My best friend is named ~~Andrea Schumacher~~ ~~Jackie Thelen~~ Marissa Koch. We are friends because we never get into fights and we like each other. When I grow up, I want to be an actress."

1.1.91 -- Dear Diary, Today is New Year's Day and my boyfriend's birthday! Well, I like him but, I don't know if he likes me his name is Tim.
[NOTE: All spelling mistakes will be included. If you look hard enough where they're placed, you'll see my shame triple!! PS ~ You'll also notice that I've always been obsessed with post scripts.]
1.2.91 -- Dear Diary, Today I went with my mom to our church and she worked, but I watched TV.
1.3.91 -- Dear Diary, Today was my dad's birthday. We had the worst tasting chocolate pie! No school today. Bad weather.
1.4.91 -- Dear Diary, Today i told my friend Jackie that I like Tim and she told the whole class! Tim didn't belive this so he asked me and I said yes he was so embarrassed
1.5.91 -- Dear Diary, Today I talked with my friend Andrea on the phone for an hour! And tonight our whole family watched Ghostbusters the Movie.
1.6.91 -- Dear Diary, Today I wrote a note to Tim.
PS: I don't think Tim likes me.
1.7.91 -- Dear Diary, Tonigt we went to layschool it was SO boring. Today at school my friend Megan asked me if I like Andrea and I said kind of. Andrea heard us and asked what we were doing so I said we were talking about Jackie. Megan said I was a great lyer.
1.8.91 -- Dear Diary, Tonight my best friend Andrea is spending the night. Say hi Andrea "HI!"
PS: (because her brother is in the hospitle)
1.9.91 -- Dear Diary, Andrea's still here! Today at school Tim said he likes me a little!
1.10.91 -- Dear Diary, Guess what, Andrea for her birthday is letting Stephanie H. spend the night Friday [the 11th] and not me. It's so unfair.
1.11.91 -- Dear Diary, Tonight Andrea was having her party and I wasn't invited! She didn't call me to tell me the time so I couldn't come! We were going to go see a movie.
PS: I WAS ONE OF THE FINALLEST'S IN THE SPELLING BEE.
1.12.91 -- Dear Diary, Today I went to my friend Robin's birthday party I going to be mean to Andrea and say that she and Stephanie missed a great party.
PS: Robin's birthday is the 19th and Shayna my favorite babysitter is baby sitting tonight.
1.13.91 -- Dear Diary, Today at church I thought up a new comic strip called Semi Ala High.
PS: I hate Andrea Very, very, much.
1.14.91 -- Dear Diary, I can't believe it! We have school tomorrow. I mean I'm really ticked off. Ya know what Andrea is trying to steal Tim from me
1.15.91 -- Dear Diary, Today me and my friend Jackie and my friend Megan wrote a really bad note to New Kids on the Block.
1.16.91 -- Dear Diary, Today I didn't go to school because I wasn't feeling good. I had sinus drainage.
1.17.91 -- Dear Diary, Tommorrow is the all school spelling bee. Me and my best friend Jackie made an I hate New Kids club. {awful smiley face picture}
1.18.91 -- Dear Diary, At the spelling bee I spelled biscuit wrong.
PS: I hate Andrea and I hate the New Kids on the Block.
1.19.91 -- Dear Diary, Today me and my mom went shopping I got a cool ultra green and black wallet. Then I got a Wilson Phillips tape!
PS: My dad loves Wilson Phillips, the group.
1.20.91 -- Dear Diary, Tommorrow I'm going to Matthew's house for the day. And in three days we're going to put my dog A.Y. to sleep. And the 22nd is my mom's birthday.
PS: Tomorrow we don't have school for Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday!
1.21.91 -- Dear Diary, Today Kristy mom's best friend and Matthew's mom. Told me that the 25th and tomorrow she's going to have a surprize B.D. party for her and she's going to stuff little notes all over our house.
PS: She has a key.
1.22.91 -- Dear Diary, The 24th at school we're having career day. I don't know how models dress so I'm going to be a spy.
1.23.91 -- Dear Diary, Tommorrow is career day at school. I've changed my mind and I'm going to be a lawyer.
1.24.91 -- Dear Diary, Today is my friend Jackie's birthday. Tim was a rapper he lookes so cute.
1.25.91 -- Dear Diary, Tonight I started wearing deoderent, and tonight I'm sleeping in the basement.
PS: We're not going to put A.Y. to sleep yet!
1.26.91 -- Dear Diary, Nothing happend today so boy was I BOARD! But this morning I watched Saturday morning cartoons.
1.27.91 -- Dear Diary, Today Justin (my age) and Josh (his older brother) came over because we had to watch them.
PS: Me and Justin are good friends.
1.28.91 -- Dear Diary, Today I stayed home alone for like 7 hours! It was SO fun.
PS: P.S. stands for Pond Scum. Ha! Ha!
1.29.91 -- Dear Diary, Today we had a sub Mrs. Whitelock. I HATE HER!!
1.30.91 -- Dear Diary, Today we got our report cards, and I got all A's!
1.31.91 -- Today we went outside for recess, I got my shoes ALL muddy.

.................

Just like Grey's Anatomy!! A sexy cliffhanger!!! Who will I choose? Tim? Matthew? Justin? Will the mud ever come off my shoes?!?

I know. I don't care either. Strange that I settled for being a lawyer so early in my life. Man, what a horrible suburban existence I led as a child! At least you can take comfort in the fact that while writing this diary during the month of January 1991, in the quiet of my entirely pink bedroom, I made out a few times with both Justin AND Matthew. My mom would've killed me if she read that shit in my diary. I kept it clean because I'm pretty sure that she read it often. Sheeeeeiiiitt... I would have done the same thing if I was her.

That little lady got around when she was 9!

Tim? No... I never made out with him.... {NPH-style look off into the distance}

Done, BITCHES!!!

2006-05-09T20:06:00.000-07:00

Look out world. She's back. Finals are fiiinally done (get it?!). My brain is still a puddle of goo. I'm not complaining. Dinner at House of Chow with Ben, Errn & Ryan. Yes. We're all bloggers here. I ordered a Flaming Volcano, but had to drink it ALLLLL BY MYSELF!!! I see now why they give you two foot-long straws. So you can drink it twice as fast. {lame-midwestern-mom-who-just-returned-from-a-coworkers-bachelorette-party-at-Chippendale's tittering} Mmmmm.... volcano...

I'm done! Done! My muscles are slowly un-tensing. I think I can see my neck again!

Time to go. My leg is asleep under this laptop. It's getting uncomfortable. I think I may have a blood clot in my leg. Wooot!! Blood clot = SUMMERTIME FUN!!!

TTYL. I have better things to do... like... watch.. the Daily Show....

Maybe it's because he's so alone

2006-05-06T19:51:00.000-07:00

We're watching Punch-Drunk Love right now. At my behest, but I'm too ADHD to pay it my undivided attention. So I go online. But I've grown bored with the available passive viewing material and have to make up my own. Yeah. I need to stop it with this school bullshit. I need to tap dance in the pudding aisle of a grocery store while wearing a crayon blue suit. Or completely destroy the men's bathroom at an upscale restaurant... lovely...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barry: I'm lookin' at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna fuckin' smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You're so pretty.

Lena: I want to chew your face, and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them.

[pause]

Barry: OK. This is funny. This is nice.

This year's Senior Prank --> herpes.

2006-05-04T18:21:00.000-07:00

This has gotta be painful. He swiped a beer from someone on a commuter train?! In front of his children?!? Ahhh... memories.

I'm in recovery.

Criminal Procedure final is DONE.

You want to see that in a pictoral representation?
DONE!

nice. isn't it.

One down. Three to go. PUKE!

My brain isn't functioning right now. I guess sitting completely still for three and a half hours will do that to you. Also I was drunk. During the test.

I drew a picture of my hand!

I know your habits -- but wouldn't recognize you yet

2006-05-04T06:55:00.000-07:00

A gay pirate sayswhaa?? Sure he's hanging out with Charlize Theron and sure he's a hotshot Brit fashion designer... but come on... this has gone too far.... I blame the NYTimes.

It's called the moral fibre of America and I do believe you're destroying it

I miss that stupid ache

2006-05-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

Remember the "good old days"?? Before finals? Remember those days? Last week? No? Me neither. Good times have been smothered by a mountain of outlines. Today's Tuesday. My last final is next Tuesday. One week of this shit left. You just wait, little blog. I'm a'gonna treat you so good when this is all over, baby. I'm going to write in you every single day! With a neon glitter pen!

<--- Goal for the Summer: Hone my awesome potential for photoshopping black eyes on my face.

That lady's got WORK arms!!

Listening to Fiona Apple is making me treat finals like a scorned lover. I'm begrudgingly spending time with these outlines -- but I'm counting down the minutes until I can tell them to get their shit out of my house. Maybe I'll throw them out the window this year!!! YEAAAHHH!!!! OUT THE WINDOW!!!!!!

All these people that you mention
Yes, I know them, they're quite lame
I had to rearrange their faces
And give them all another name

You've known it all the time. I'm learnin' it these days.

2006-04-26T12:53:00.000-07:00

Ahoy-hoy!

Too busy spacing out today to write much. I've been floating around the law school since I got out of class at 11:40. This must be some form of procrastination, but its so bizarre that I can't even be sure. For instance, I became totally engrossed in today's NYTimes crossword puzzle and forgot to attend the ACS elections -- where I was named Vice Prez in abstentia. Yet another thing that Dick Cheney and I have in common!! Wooot!!

Ben Cox is the new Prezzident. We're going to make a fierce showing next year.

Oh! Check out the knowledge that Whitman dropped on the Missouri Senate yesterday! He showed us the proposed bill in class the other day... bizarre, nonsensical and "just weird" indeed. Missouri's government is run by a bunch of yokels, if you didn't know already.

Au revoir

I seen pretty people disappear like smoke

2006-04-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

So Bryan, Ryan, Erin & I {sounds like a Christian rock band, eh?} are sitting around. Fall Out Boy was on an SNL rerun tonight. I know everyone says they're terrible. Believe me -- they are. Tonight, however, I didn't just hate them, I became angry at them. I resented them. Many bands don't enrage me, but I was certainly enraged by Fall Out Boy.

How are you? How've you been these days? Have you seen that new celebrity cooking show? Fast-paced, eh?!! Oh. No. They just announced that it's been cancelled on the news. The people talking on VH1 news.

Not much to say. I ate salmon with dill sauce leftovers and cheeeezzy bread for dinner tonight. Also a Cinnastix. Oh! and Scooby Doo Fruit Snacks. The official ones.

I watched Funny Girl again tonight. I'm pretty certain that's my movie for now. Finally, I've reached the point in my life where I can reasonably emulate Fanny Brice. I think I've also subconsciously been emulating Bab's wardrobe in this film. Everything about it. I love it. I fucking love Funny Girl. There. I said it. You can't hold it against me. You haven't even seen it yet! Don't dog on Barbara Streisand -- she gave an outrageously amazing performance. I'll fight any muthafucka who questions that. True.

Ryan just decided that he can't eat anymore Prime Rib Sandwiches from Quizno's. He visited VH1.com after eating the rest of my Prime Rib Sandwich, where they were cross-marketing the Prime Rib Sandwich on Best Week Ever's site. He looked up and told me that he just ate the rest of my VH1. Crazy. Also, the girl who works behind the counter is totally in love with him and spit in my sandwich today. So now he knows that awful truth. Haahaaaa!!

Osama Bin Laden? I bet that guy is Rico Suave over there...

You might be spoilin' me too much, love...

2006-04-20T21:51:00.000-07:00

All I want to do right now is watch I Heart Huckabee's.

That's all.

I go to the place where the I Heart Huckabee's DVD should be. Not there.

If I loaned that movie out to you.... or if you stole it from me... let me know. I have no idea where it is. It's fucking driving me crazy!

Now I have to watch the end of Kindergarten Cop. Lame.

If we all went back to another time...

2006-04-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like something is missing. Ahh... got it..... Holiday Cheer.

WTF?!? Ryan and I are sitting here, minding our own bidnezz.... you know.... and we hear this noise on the front porch! It sounds like someone flopped down on that orange couch. Ryan ventured outside. Nothing.

What if it's the Raven?! Honestly, I remember The Raven only because of Treehouse of Horror. I would have pushed it far far out of my memory if not for the Bart-Raven saying "Eat My Shorts" to Homer-Narrator. Genius.

My brother never understood that the location of "Springfield" was intentionally ambiguous. He would constantly start Bentonesque arguments. Defending his "Simpsons live in Missouri" hypothesis. I think he still buys into that. If only he was able to keep my fucking number in his phone. He would call more and I wouldn't wonder if he still thinks Missouri.

No hyperlinks tonight. I'm too lazy. Too hungry.

Taaaquuuiiittoooossssss..... with Hidden Valley Ranch!

...now look at me the multi-talented munchkin...

2006-04-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

Lady Sovereign is rolling through my head. Where did she come up with that incredible name? Where did she get those skillllz? How does she do it all at the tender age of 19? I'm awestruck.

Ryan pulled some wiring magic and my once-destroyed headphones are now operational. Score!
Hellllooooo I-Pod. Just in time for finals.

Oh yeah! Finals are fast approaching. In my past three semesters of law school, this is the time when I usually start operating in 24 hour anxiety mode. Feelings of dread, unpreparedness, the like. For some odd reason, I'm gellin' this semester (like Magellan, like a felon, etc...). I have a 15-20 page research paper due Monday. I have to outline for allll of my classes. I have to study study study.. and I feel good about it! Lovely!

Ben sent me this interview with the Wonder Showzen guys from the A.V. Club. Read it. You will not be sorry.

Turning and returning to some secret place to hide
Watching in slow motion as you turn to me and say

Why did TomCruise have to turn crazy and ruin that movie for everyone?

Size whhaaaa....?!

2006-04-15T21:13:00.000-07:00

Are we going to be the generation that lets letter writing entirely die? Does anyone even want to write letters anymore? Who will write letters with me?!? WHO'S WITH ME?!!!!?!!! We'll buy special stationary that means something. Bundled and stored in shoeboxes. Top shelves of our cedar closets.

I went on a solo mini-shopping spree today. I bought a fancy-ass movie theatre style metal bullet PUSH can {like the one in the picture, but polished stainless steel... wooot!!}. Our old one was broken. It was justified. I also bought some brand new Magnolia hand lotion [so new it's not even on the bath & body works website yet, eh?], size 2 jeanz {wtf?!? I know}, and new braz. Overall a productive day.

Formosa was like a liberry tonight.

This is the most boring post I've ever made. Off night. Don't hold it against me.

"Honestly I'm surprised that he's still alive.... What?! She moved out of town! What reason does he have to live?"

2006-04-13T21:48:00.000-07:00

Crazy Crazy day. Tire. Oh so tired. I cried! In my car! What a female.

Conan has been progressively less funny lately. It feels like he's turning on the "middle aged guy with 2 kids" comedy. Testing out a Jay Leno personality. Puke.

I BOUGHT DOVE EGGS AT WALGREENS!!!

I just remembered that. Day is brightened.

So Jesse, Ted & I have a group opinion due tomorrow for Free Speech. We have to decide a case as SCOTUS, and part of our assignment is to make up alias Justice names (because of the blind grading, you know). Erin, Ryan & I are hanging out right now. Yes. Right now. I'm blogging in a group of people. Oh man. I just said 'blogging' -- GROSS!

{erin just said: coors light smells a little bit like rubbing alcohol}

Here is a list of the names we've come up with. Jesse. You have been assigned.

Scalito
Scalito-Bandito III
Bonezmoker
Stinkleberry
ThinMints
Cheeezapuff
DeliciousPepperoniPizza
Stinkleberrypie
WhiteLionRulz
Winger4Ever
MaryMeyersIsAChemicalEngineer
HoneyBong
HippieH8R

Jesse: Chief Justice RockNRoll
Julia: Justice KeepinItReal

Why don't Supreme Court Justices have aliases? Why isn't SCOTUS more like the Insane Clown Posse?! I would be a juggalo for Ruth Bader. Even though I do hate those juggalos.

Got to go. I think a monkeybear is defecating on Conan's back.

Check out my gurl Errrrrn's page.

A Newsflash to Make Yer Skin Crawl!

2006-04-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

My brain is fried. PaperPaperPaper WriteWriteWrite PaperPaperPaper... you see where I'm going with this.

Step into the Reading Room:

1) The Antichrist Rising... from Chris.

2) MO Meth-heads Have 6 Fake Babies!.... from Ben.

I had a Flaming Volcano at lunch today, so that was awesome. This is totally what Mr. Harper & I looked like while drinking it. I'm the blonde one. Aaaahhhhhhh... Sorority girls. What would I do without them?

PAPERPAPERPAPER!! WRITEWRITEWRITE!!!

A Smorgasbord of... gossip? drama? pickled herring and cheese?

2006-04-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

A bad updater am I. Here are a few things:

1) Our wild Saturday night yesterday consisted of somehow watching Dateline. I won't link to the show, because I hate Dateline ever so much. NBC replaced my beloved Freaks & Geeks with it in 2000, so I've been holding this grudge for 6 years now... So we're watching Dateline, right? The feature story was set in Texas. All about a woman named Molly whose white trash, child rapist husband, Clayton, "died" in a car accident. A month after he dies, she starts seeing this new mysterious white trash guy who looks exactly like her husband with dyed brown hair. Of course, she & the husband faked his death to escape the law and collect massive amounts of insurance scrilla. The body they found in his burned-out car? A corpse. Of an elderly woman. That they DUG UP FROM A GRAVE IN A CEMETARY. So the couple's 4-year-old son starts trying to push kids down stairs, the Texas Rangers get suspicious (the cops, not the team), the show goes to commercial break -- and returns with this dramatic graphic introduction:

"Chapter 4: Takedown at the Taco Bell"

The couple was apparently dining at a Taco Bell when they were swarmed by a SWAT team [TEXAS SWAT, I hope]. Here is an arresting officer's account of his encounter with our boy Clayton posing as the new boyfriend:

"He looked at me. I looked at him. He pretty much said 'Oh Fuck.'"

Yeah. The cop said "fuck" on Dateline while trying to water down his response so as not to offend the public. After white trash child rapist faker of his own death was arrested and put in jail, he started bragging about his stupid plan to cellmates [ACLU sidenote: DON'T BRAG ABOUT YOUR ILLEGAL EXPLOITS IF THEY REALLY HAPPENED.] Stone Phillips did this voiceover of the encounter:

"Clayton blabbed on about he and Molly's repulsive -- and deeply creepy -- scheme."

Deeply Creepy indeed, Stone.

2) Erin sez: "Hey! Make sure you talk about that Mad About You comin' to Nick-at-Nite on there!"
Done and done. Now I'll remember to never watch it.

3) Heads up, NY Times Crossword Puzzle Juice Bags! Slate just told me that something shocking happened in Monday's puzzle. Shocking! Scumbag?!

4) Wikipedia is down right now, so my links aren't up to par. I apologize. Wait. No. I don't apologize... sheeeeiiitt....

5) Erin & I took a field trip to D & H Drugstore {your family drugstore} on Friday. I bought a sheet of hilarious American Pride-themed stickers. What should I put them on? My face? Your car? Okay!

She screamed till her face got so red
Then she fell on the floor,
And I covered her up and then
Thought I'd go look through her drawer.