A Gluten-free Diet is the FUCKIN' BOMB, DAWG!

Good afternoon, juice boxes! As promised, here's a recap of my recent attempt at gluten-free living:

About two months ago, I started helping out at Classy's on the weekends because Leta broke her leg and was totally unable to wait on people. One day while business was slow, Paul started telling me about his discovery a few months back that he had Celiac Disease. Since you're too lazy to click on the link, I'll tell you that it's basically an intolerance to gluten (a protein found in wheat, barley, and rye) He had always loved breads and pastries, but had a history of getting sick all the time and having stomach problems and the like (his nickname as a kid was Pukey Paul). He's telling me about all of his ailments and how cutting out gluten dramatically improved his health, when I started seeing a lot of similarities in the way I operated with food. So I resolved to not eat gluten for a week and was amazed at how quickly I started seeing a huge difference:

-- my moderate allergies & often severe asthma are almost gone
-- red cheeks aren't so red anymore
-- no more bumps on my arms
-- no more upset stomach after I eat
-- no more acid reflux! For the past 3 years, I was taking Pepcid AC every single night before bed. If I didn't take it, I would wake up in the middle of the night with acid in the back of my throat. No more Pepcid for me. Woot Woot!
-- my ADHD hasn't been so severe. Not a big change, but noticeable in me. Focusing sans-Adderall is a little easier. I don't feel as foggy as I had before.

I gots to admit, it's really fucking difficult to not eat wheat. Everything is made from it! (Note that when I do consume wheat, the above symptoms come back a little bit - booooo....) I sometimes get wheat cravings, break down, and order Southside Pizza at 4am and I sometimes eat candy that probably has wheat in it, but overall I've been sticking to this wheat-free diet. I love it more than a fat kid loves cake.

Keep in mind that cutting gluten out of your life isn't simply cutting out starch. Potatoes and corn are now staples of my diet. Lots of fruit & vegetables, but I'm lazy so I usually just end up eating mixed nuts. Oh! I've even created a gluten-free version of my favorite meal -- a Classy's gourmet hot dog with cheese. Instead of a bun, I have Paul place the dog on a bed of mashed potatoes and smother it in shredded cheese. I know. The sexiest meal ever imagined. Everything at Chipotle (except for the flour tortillas) is also wheat-free. Also cock. That's allowed and encouraged.

Can you tell that I'm hungry right now?

One more thing before I stop going on and on about this shit -- Did you know that 1 out of every 100 people has some form of celiac disease? I know! That's a lot of fucking people in the United States who are undiagnosed. Anyway, if you're looking for a fun experiment, try cutting gluten out of your diet for a week and see how you feel.

Now back to sitting through class with Royce and dreaming about a Chipotle burrito bowl. I bet you $5 that Royce is dreaming about the same thing.

Pee Ess -- I'm totally going to be in an upcoming Missourian article about knitting. So if you wake up on a park bench covered in newspaper next week, check to see if my name is mentioned in one of the articles. I would've expect you creatures to actually go out and purchase one of those gossip rags on my behest. I know how cheap "you people" can be (Minotaaaaauuuurrr!!!!).