The Gluten-free Lifestyle Kicks My Ass Once Again

Good morning, jerks! How've you been? Seven days left up to my own devices, and what do I have to show for it? Why nothing more than an burning rash and a handful of sweaty, twenty dollar bills.

While Jon was busy this week creating his homage to Jarrett in the form of a MySpace group, I found these pressing news items for you savages:

1. Who says jury duty is so bad? Twelve lucky ducks. If the government guaranteed that I would get to see hours of BDSM videos in a court room, I would serve jury duty every fuckin' day! They would have to keep me out of jury duty by sticking straight pins through my eyelids! Please?!

2. What's the best way to honor Black History Month? By visiting the "African American Flavor Center" on the Kraft Foods® website! I shit you not. Want some delicious information on collared greens and Shake n' Bake® chicken?? They've got it. See for yourself. I'm not creative enough to make that up... In your quest for some "soulful recipes," you can even check out some inspirational MLK quotes! Because that's what his legacy entails, after all.

[sidenote: You can also check out the new Philadelphia Ready-to-eat Cheesecake Filling, because it looks FUCKING AMAZING]

So remember that post I made about "delicious gluten-free hashbrowns" from McDonald's? I was wrong. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong... Kristin taught me a valuable lesson in NEVER TRUSTING WHAT BOOKS SAY. The fuckin' Gluten Free Bible led my people ASTRAY. That bitch of an author, "Jax" is nothing more than a false prophet.

Kristin (a.k.a. my new gluten-free Yoda) says that the best place to find up-to-the-minute information is from the companies themselves. So while the BIBLE OF LIES says that McDonald's has gluten-free french fries and hashbrowns, but Burger King's fries are tainted with wheat... the companies' websites now say that Burger King uses dedicated fryers for their fries (i.e. not fried with anything else containing gluten), while McDonald's now adds a wheat-based "beef flavoring" to their fries and should be avoided by celiac sluts at all costs. What would I do without Kristen? I shudder to think.

Also, Kristen tipped me off that you can go to Burger King and ask for a "low-carb" version of any burger your heart desires. The next morning, I immediately hopped on over to my local BK and demanded (not asked -- demanded) a LOW-CARB BACON DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER (PLAIN). My most all-time favorite of favorite burgers. This is what they gave me:

DEEEEEEELICOUS! This is how I looked when I finished eating it:


I know. I looked like an asshole. But a satisfied one!