Y'alls needs to take a gander at this...

Incredibly awesome, isn't it? Heather Stansbury had it up on her blog and Jon & I couldn't resist stealing it. You should steal it, too! Also this:

Newsflash!

No posts since December?! Whaaaaa? You probably won't even read this because you think I've been sucked into a black hole. Your loss. Here are some exciting and interesting news items:

-- I was just watching the Today Show. NBC's perpetually neglected weekend news anchor, Lester Holt, was doing a story about that idiot who skydives whilst wearing flying squirrel wings. When Matt Lauer asked if he went along for a jump, Holt told him "Homey don't jump out of airplanes." It was my favorite Today Show moment in recent memory.

-- I got my dream J-O-B!!! Boone County's newest Assistant Public Defender. Wooot! I was always told that no one gets hired for this branch straight out of law school, but I'm smooth like that. Can I talk about it on this blog? Probably not. So I'll stick to the important stuff. Like this. Yikes! I need to stop picking on those Clinton supporters before I get stabbed.

-- Check out the last paragraph of this story. Oh Arch Brooks, will I ever grow tired of your shenanigans?

-- Time to watch Price is Right. I wish I was kidding.

Stay out of trouble, stay in touch...

"I asked for a pound of hashish on my birthday and all I got was this lousy blog post!"

(that's what my t-shirt says)

(not really -- I'm just creatively bankrupt and this is the first thing that made me laugh)

Oh blog... remember when I used to treat you like a queen? Always being updated and loved on. Like a real person, except you don't sass your mouth at me and force me to smack it.

The continuing writers strike is taking its toll on me. This is the WORST time to be unemployed and tethered to my couch. HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I SUFFER 'DEAL OR NO DEAL' EPISODES THAT LAST TWO HOURS?!? Sometimes I watch Daily Show re-runs and pretend that it actually is August 8th. It's a difficult state-of-mind to maintain. Makes my head throb.

In other news, Jon & I recently found a VHS tape of an old Upright Citizens Brigade marathon from 2000. Season 3 kicks Season 2's ass any day. Especially those days when the only new thing on TV is a Rodney Carrington comedy special. Are you familiar with this Rodney Carrington fellow? No? You're lucky. He wears a cowboy hat and sings a song called "Titties and Beer" -- AND HE MEANS IT!!!

Time to eat a birthday breakfast of champions (aka Cashew Cookie Larabar)

Silly, silly lives we lead..

Yeah yeah.. it's been forever. I don't have the blogging passion I once possessed. Jon & I went to a dinner party at Ms. Bobasha's house tonight. Lovely! Our girl knows how to cook a meal. I'm forever grateful.

So what have I been up to for the past few weeks? Hmmm... Looking for a good job. Knitting a hat. Painting some kick-ass pictures.
You know -- dicking around in general. I've become so attached to old episodes of Frasier (1994-1997 only, thank you very much) that I've begun to creep myself out.

Being in a slump sucks. I know I have so much to offer, but I'm wasting away in the meantime.

Lame.

Love me?

"Bitch, I don't need ya... Let the welfare feed ya..."

Pimp Lucius (as played by R. Kelly) sang the above statement in Chapter 19 of Chapters 13-22 of Trapped in the Closet. Which recently premiered on IFC. Which I watched tonight for the second time. Which is supremely and entirely awesome.

But now I'm bored.


Wait. Perhaps my perceived "boredom" is actually a massive case of post-bar exam blues (a.k.a. the great jobless depression -- much like postpartum depression, but without the gnawing realization that your baby is unattractive and you didn't really want it in the first place -- I just need to get a job). On an up note, my house is finally coming together. For the first time since I moved in, I actually enjoy sitting in my office. Hmmmm... I have a great idea! Instant fun!


That glimmer of nerdy magic in my eye and that intentional cleavage shot can mean only one thing -- a grand tour of my apartment! Let's journey through my house together. I went paint-crazy, so I'll highlight the colors rather than the boxes still stacked around the house. (sidebar: WHY DON'T OLD HOUSES HAVE CLOSETS?!?)

We'll start with the living room, which I painted brown. "Tatami Tan" is what they call it 'round these parts.


Next, we travel into the kitchen, where Thunderdome is as bored as I am.


You like the paint? It's called "Sunfart," or something like that.


My favorite office ever. Orange accent wall! I chose the color not because of the actual color, but because it's called "Obstinate Orange." which reminded me of Miss O from The Letter People (because she was OBBBSTINATE!!!).


Red bathroom!! I call it "Sassafrass," but Sherwin Williams still calls it "Daredevil"


It compliments Wonder Woman nicely.


So that makes me happy (even though I'm lacking makeup).


I got a blue bedroom!


...and a beige hallway.



Damn! I have to stop ending the tour with that hallway. My mom forced me at putty knife-point to paint the damned thing beige. She was right. It's better than plain white.

Well that's the tour. I could show you my deeeeelightful front porch, but it's nothing to write home about yet. Needs patio furniture. Potted plants. You know the drill. Also, please don't take this little tour as an open invitation to break into my house and rape me or anything. I've been watching an obscene amount of Rockford Files lately, and old Jimbo has certainly taught me how to swing a punch. Also how to lure a henchman into a public bathroom and humiliate him with taunts and handsoap.

More to come on Rockford Files later.

For now I'll try to sleep. Stupid sleep. I'm so bored that even sleep is boring.

Sorry that I haven't returned your calls lately. I will soon.

Nancy Drew Mysteries #420: Case of the Neglected Blog

I know.

It's awful!

I done disappeared.

You want to know where I've been? Okay. I won't hold you in suspense any longer.

(In my new house.)

Painting and sanding and ripping shelves off the wall. All the junk that comes with a new place.

I took the bar exam over a month ago. What am I doing with myself right now? Some may be vacationing in Europe. Some may start their new "jobs" as "lawyers." I prefer to spend 90 minutes painting a bathroom door.

HELP! RESCUE ME! BRING ME GLUTEN-FREE BEER!!

Dismember Me with Love

In celebration of the 4th of July (aside from watching 1776 for 24 hours straight), I came up with this movie idea:

It's called "Dismember Me with Love." In the style of a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, the story is a murder mystery / pseudo-feminist buddy comedy. In the movie, two precociously-paired friends decide to follow their dream and open up a small business. Joleen and Roxanne (similar to Cagney & Lacey, but without that dick cop element) scrape together their money and open up a store in the local mall, called "Remember Me with Love." The store provides a place for customers to make video diaries, wills, and messages. Once recorded in the store's sound-proof booths, the videos can then either be kept by the store until the client's death and released at that time, or the client can take a copy of the video with them. The store is a surprise success.

Things soon get suspenseful when a member of the local city council visits their store one day. Just hours after he makes his tape and leaves with it, the councilman is murdered in cold blood! Joleen and Roxanne are the only ones in town with the original copy of the tape, and some very dangerous people will do anything to get their hands on it -- even MURDER! Also, Joleen is an alcoholic and Roxanne's husband beats her. I haven't worked out the last part of the plot, but that will factor in to the dramatic conclusion of.... DISMEMBER ME WITH LOVE!



I know, it's not spectacular, but it's better than anything I've seen on Lifetime recently. If you feel inclined to steal my idea and make some bank off of it, please cut me in. I have about $20 million dollars in student loans to pay back.