The Gluten-free Lifestyle Kicks My Ass Once Again

Good morning, jerks! How've you been? Seven days left up to my own devices, and what do I have to show for it? Why nothing more than an burning rash and a handful of sweaty, twenty dollar bills.

While Jon was busy this week creating his homage to Jarrett in the form of a MySpace group, I found these pressing news items for you savages:

1. Who says jury duty is so bad? Twelve lucky ducks. If the government guaranteed that I would get to see hours of BDSM videos in a court room, I would serve jury duty every fuckin' day! They would have to keep me out of jury duty by sticking straight pins through my eyelids! Please?!

2. What's the best way to honor Black History Month? By visiting the "African American Flavor Center" on the Kraft Foods® website! I shit you not. Want some delicious information on collared greens and Shake n' Bake® chicken?? They've got it. See for yourself. I'm not creative enough to make that up... In your quest for some "soulful recipes," you can even check out some inspirational MLK quotes! Because that's what his legacy entails, after all.

[sidenote: You can also check out the new Philadelphia Ready-to-eat Cheesecake Filling, because it looks FUCKING AMAZING]

So remember that post I made about "delicious gluten-free hashbrowns" from McDonald's? I was wrong. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong... Kristin taught me a valuable lesson in NEVER TRUSTING WHAT BOOKS SAY. The fuckin' Gluten Free Bible led my people ASTRAY. That bitch of an author, "Jax" is nothing more than a false prophet.

Kristin (a.k.a. my new gluten-free Yoda) says that the best place to find up-to-the-minute information is from the companies themselves. So while the BIBLE OF LIES says that McDonald's has gluten-free french fries and hashbrowns, but Burger King's fries are tainted with wheat... the companies' websites now say that Burger King uses dedicated fryers for their fries (i.e. not fried with anything else containing gluten), while McDonald's now adds a wheat-based "beef flavoring" to their fries and should be avoided by celiac sluts at all costs. What would I do without Kristen? I shudder to think.

Also, Kristen tipped me off that you can go to Burger King and ask for a "low-carb" version of any burger your heart desires. The next morning, I immediately hopped on over to my local BK and demanded (not asked -- demanded) a LOW-CARB BACON DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER (PLAIN). My most all-time favorite of favorite burgers. This is what they gave me:

DEEEEEEELICOUS! This is how I looked when I finished eating it:


I know. I looked like an asshole. But a satisfied one!

Jesus Christ, Fanny Brice, Wolfie Mozart and Humphrey Bogart

Jon & I had the pleasure of seeing the one & only Deadbeat Club on stage last night at Eastside. They tore the place down. Check it out -- from their appearance on Pepper & Friends back in in October:



[sidenote: In looking up the website for Pepper & Friends so's I could link it for your animals, I stumbled upon the OFFICIAL COMIC STRIP of Pepper & Friends!?!? It's called "Pepp-osterous" (get it?!).] Anyway, back to The Deadbeat Club...

Highlight of the night? Andi and Jarrett's outfits looked stellar and they all sounded perrrfeck.

Lowlight of the night? Witnessing an unmitigated display of bat-shit insanity from Jon's ex-girlfriend! We were all standing near the stage in between songs, when a banshee-like shrieking started up next to us: "Don't fucking bump in to me! I don't fucking like to be bumped into!! FUCK YOU!!..." It went on and on. She was screaming at the guy in front of her while giving him a crazy, glazed-over stare, called a random girl in the audience a "cunt" and was eventually reprimanded by Pants for her freak-out. It boggles the mind to think that Jon endured SIX YEARS with that train wreck of a human being. Gross.

Oh! Speaking of crazy, check out Britney Spears' latest shit. You know you've hit rock-bottom when you're forced to shave your own head in the salon because the owner doesn't want to be sued for doing it. Also when you immediately follow it up by getting a tattoo of "red and pink lips" on your wrist. Poor Britney.

At least she didn't call anyone a cunt, eh?

Hats off...

The best cure for a night filled with weirdness?

Listening to Led Zeppelin III -- over and over and over and over and over and over.... and over....

Jon is resting like an angel. A sweet, sweet, enraged angel. With Ryan's IP tracking skillz, we totally figured out who pulled the e-mail stunt. Glaringly obvious.

I owe you one, Ryan. Thank you very very much for your help.


People lose their jobs for compromising student email accounts, doncha know?

bron-y-aur stomp, indeed!

Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition!

What a fine day for the Christian community (a.k.a. "the silent majority," y'allz). Reverend Ted Haggard is finally 100% hetero! Gotta love it.

Shout out to Kansas City's favorite judicial clerk Mr. Harper Esq., who experienced the fallout from yesterday's explosion in a downtown chemical plant. It sounded absolutely awful.

Last night, I had a nightmare about dead birds dropping from the sky, killer whales swimming around the Lake of the Ozarks wearing white undershirts, and touring Wilder Valderama's mansion in southern Missouri. Maybe I'm getting a little too Nostradamus for my own good, but that sounds like an apocalyptic vision to me.

I have four classes today -- two of which are over an hour and a half long, one that's two hours long, and one is a sweet 50 minutes. I'm dreading the schedule, but Jon (suffering through a cold he picked up from work) got me breakfast from McDonald's this morning. Delicious, gluten-free hashbrowns out the wazoo!! I appreciate that immensely.

Back to the grind.

Choo! Choo!! All Aboard the Drama Express! Next Stop: Crazytown

You'll never believe this. It sounds like it's ripped from the pages of some teenage soap opera (don't deny it, no one can forget Nickelodeon's 1991 smash hit teen drama classic "Fifteen"), but it's just mi vida loca. You know I'm not one for drama -- come to think of it, every time I say the word "drama" in reference to a social situation, I feel a little too much like Mary J. Blige -- but I must share this bit of crazy with you:

So Jon's at his J-O-B yesterday, diligently working to bring foreigners over the border and into our beloved university, when he gets a mysterious email from some clever bogus address. The address? rotinhelljerk77@hotmail.com (addresses like these are always a solid indicator of drama coming down the pipe). When he opened the suspicious message, he saw that someone had forwarded him emails written by me! Me! They were taken from a correspondence I had this summer with a gentleman friend of mine. They weren't romantic or sexy or anything that would normally send a boyfriend into a jealous rage. In fact, they were written before Jon & I ever entered into our storybook relationship and were written during a time when Jon was giving me amazing advice and support in that very situation. Suffice it to say, the emails weren't anything new to him, but receiving them in such a strange way was nonetheless baffling. One question remained -- where did they come from?

Upon hearing about this strange occurrence, I immediately dialed my preeminent partner in crime and got to work figuring out who sent this and how they could have obtained my personal emailz. Erin is just as stumped as I am for a few minutes, then she remembers that just last week, someone broke into her email account and sent loony, nonsensical messages to one of her friends from her address. She then recalled that this summer, I forwarded the emails in question to her email (as bff's often do), for her final seal of approval before I sent them. We were pretty sure that my email account hadn't been hacked, because if someone wanted to taunt Jon with emails I wrote to other people, there are much sexier options to choose from in my Inbox.

Based on this knowledge and the impromptu database we've collected of the possible culprits, here's my profile of "rotinhelljerk77@hotmail.com".....

1. Deeply crazy (especially if it was the same person who compromised Erin's email address)
2. Jealous of my relationship with Jon, but doesn't know the details or time line of our goings-on
3. Tragically immature and unable to communicate like an adult
4. Probably suffering from incontinence (because you can't be this crazy and not have bladder control problems)
5. Either a teenage girl, or someone operating in the capacity of a teenage girl

So that pretty much whittles down the pool of possibilities to a select few. You know who you are. If you would like to step up to the plate and try to do something noble for once, feel free to send me a legitimate email and we'll discuss this like grown-ups.

It's strange. You think that by the time you hit your mid-to-late 20's, silly things like this would be confined to watching it unfold on The Hills or Maury. Okay, maybe not Maury, since there's no paternity test involved -- YET!!

On to more important things. I had a dream about David Arquette last night. He was still making those godforsaken 1-800-CALL ATT commercials, but I was trying to convince him to stop since he was killing what is left of his "career" and because pay phones are a dying breed. Damn that Arquette! Worming his way into my dreamscape again. Why does the collect calling fad of the late 90's and early 2000's continue to haunt me as I sleep?

Schools in, suckas!

UPDATE -- Just to be sure nothing in my email account had been compromised, I logged on to see if everything was on the up & up. I found a draft in my Drafts folder of the email in question (which was written in early August), but the draft was dated more recently and when I pulled it up, it was without a header (just like the one sent to Jon). I suppose that my email account may indeed have been hacked. Classy. I guess insisting that my password remain the default "tigers" for the last seven years and wearing a t-shirt that said "my email password is 'tigers'" was a bad security decision on my part.

The TRUE Super Bowl...

Well, it's that time of year again. Time for another Bowl game. What Bowl? PUPPY BOWL!!!

I've always been more excited for Puppy Bowl than anything the Super Bowl has to offer. Especially since Puppy Bowl 2, when they started featuring the Bissell Kitty Half-Time Show.


What?! You've never seen Puppy Bowl?!?!

From the description on my Mediacom Digital Cable listing:

"Puppies cavort in a play area that looks like a football stadium in the third annual event that offers an alternative to the Super Bowl. Included: a halftime show featuring kittens."



In other important news, Jon & I went to Cucina Sorella this morning for breakfast. They were out of hollandaise sauce, ranchero sauce, and fucking MUSHROOMS!! No huevos rancheros, no eggs benedict, no wild mushroom frittata. Fuck you, morning restaurant with shitty service and delicious thick-cut bacon. That's the last time I let you all screw me over. Paul & Leta highly recommend Cafe Berlin. I'm thinking they're on to something.

softly, softly, catchy monkey

MySpace is being a bastard today. It started out this glorious Friday by repeatedly telling me I had new messages and new comments, but it LIED. Nothing new, nothing going. Now I can't even access the damned site because apparently "the server is redirecting the request for this address in a way that will never complete." FIX IT, RUPERT MURDOCH!

I'm in my two hour long Drafting Legal Instruments class right now, but I've spent a good chunk of my class time looking up articles and pictures of Edie Sedgwick (a.k.a. "The Paris Hilton of her day"). Expect a string of uncomfortable debutant junkie jokes tonight at Otto's, as I've got Sedgwick on the brain.

Class is out early?! I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Let the weekend begin, suckers!