An Open Letter to the Rat Bastard Who Stole My Shit
Dearest Thief,
Yesterday, I basked in the glow of my brand new carrel. Carrel #51. Check the map, asshole. I folded up the Tuesday edition of the New York Times and placed it on the shelf above my desk. Oh, how I longed to tackle the Tuesday Crossword Puzzle. How I longed for it! Alas, I was forced to toil over Remedies & Bus Orgs for hours upon hours.
When I left for class at 2pm, I waved goodbye to my newspaper on the shelf. I think it waved back. It knew I would fuck the shit out of that crossword puzzle upon my return and it couldn't be happier. I also had some junk mail sitting on top of the paper that I got out of my school mailbox and was going to throw away eventually, but I digress.
This morning, I trotted into the liberry to happily complete the puzzle I had been dreaming about all night, when I discovered that you sir (or madame) had STOLEN MY NEWSPAPER (and my junk mail -- SUCKER!).
One simple question for YOU, dear thief: Why? Why take my paper and leave the tempting pad of pink Post-It notes that were sitting next to it? What pleasure did you derive from absconding with the only thing that I love in this world more than TURKEY LEGS and anal fisting? Did you simply rip the crossword puzzle out of the pages and discard the news-filled shell that remained? Did you read the entire paper? Do you even know how to read? Or did you simply use it to line the cage where you sleep at night, you filthy fucking animal....
Rest assured, I will hunt you down like a dog and murder you in the streets of Columbia. I know who you are. You have the ink of guilt and shame splashed across your mongrel hands.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Yours truly,
Lady J Bonham
Carrel #51 Occupant
Tuesday NYTimes Crossword Puzzle Lover
Trained Killer
posted by Julia @ 9:03 AM
4 Comments:
I'll let you use my student ID to get a new one if you want. What a fuckin' bummer dude.
I bet it was a homeless man trying to make himself a warmer "blanket". Now, how would you feel about calling a homeless man a "mongrel"?
Or maybe a sanitiation worker threw it out because he (or she) thought it was garbage.
See, that's one of the things I left out. When I went up to the front desk to ask if someone had come by and thrown it away, the girl behind the counter laughed at me.
Our janitorial staff is notorious for never throwing anything away when it's sitting around the library. There's no chance in hell that one of them would've taken the initiative to clean it off my desk for me. Rightly so. Lawyers are royal assholes when people throw their stuff away.
Me sees. So my "Homeless man" theory still holds up, huh?
Post a Comment
<< Home