How to Be Popular While Hating Everyone Around You

Whatever it is, it's definitely not a party in my block ("block" being my noggin, of course). Block head? Block party? Bloc Party? I haven't been able to write anything lately. Emails, blog posts, etc... out the window. For instance, I've been meaning to email Jason Lee (from high school, not Scientology) for over a month now, but I can't seem to sit down and just write it! What's wrong with me? I've only been able to compose small notes to people telling them to update their damned blogs. Shotzi listened to me. Now that he's updated, I guess I should write something, eh?

Here goes...

A few weeks ago, I opened my cable bill and saw that I am now getting charged for HBO, Starz & Encore. Lame! So I summoned up the dybbuks who occupy the soul of every Mediacom employee and begged of them modify my channel settings. They listened. Now, instead of getting HBO and the like, I pay just $9.99 more a month than I used to for a plethora of mind-blowing channels (i.e. all the ones that are above Channel 97 on the Mediacom guide). Biography Channel, Style Network, G4 {showing both Arrested Development AND Cheaters daily}, MTV2, la la la... you name it I've got it. A sample of the amazing things I've encountered on my TV travels:

-- "Around the Services" on the Military Channel.
A nightly news-type show from the same brilliant minds who brought you Vietnam! Mediacom describes it as "military news from top Defense officials," but I like to describe it as a "a neo-con's wet dream." No criticism of Bush. No bad news about the war in Iraq. Creepy. I couldn't handle it for more than 15 minutes.

-- On the Game Show Network, I caught a Public Service Announcement by Howie Mandel. Also, I wrote it down:

"We all know we should spend more time talking to our kids.
The best place to do this? The dinner table...
MEAL?! OR NO MEAL?!?"

I kid you not.

-- One of the movie channels had the film called "fFolks" playing, so I checked out the description:

"Action yarn with Roger Moore as a misogynist leading a commando mission."

Sign me up, Mediacom! What ever would I do without these channels in my life?!

-- My biggest discovery thus far has HANDS DOWN been The Rockford Files. It plays on Sleuth Network (all mystery shows all day long, brah!) and I've fallen in love with a circa-1970's James Garner. Check out the Wikipedia page for it. Who knew it was actually as brilliant as I deemed it to be?!

As my own public service announcement of sorts, I made a short list of things that will automatically make you more like Jim Rockford himself. Follow these 5 simple rules and learn:

1. Never wear a seatbelt. Ever.

2. Live in a dilapidated trailer next to the ocean.

3. Call your girlfriend "cheeks" and call the bad guy "turkey."

4. Two words: Plaid Suit.

5. Basically anything you can do to look more like this would be a good start -->

Are you still reading this? I know. I'm lost in a world of Rockford.

To reward you for sticking it out this long, here are some pictures:

Jon's uber-amazing-cute niece, Ella, and Me. Hangin' out on the floor.