"Garfield is known for hating Mondays despite the fact that he has no job."

The above quote is from the Wiki article about Mondays. I thought this was the most important take-away point from the entire page. In celebration of that lasagne-loving cat, a Monday afternoon short list:

1) Remember those ladies who used to ask you to do surveys at the mall? I suppose the internet made them obsolete, but they'll always have a special place in my heart (mainly because my heart is eternally devoted to 1980's marketing ploys and tv sitcoms). They carried around clip boards and would hassle you while you strolled around the mall. Unlike most people, ten-year-old me thought these survey ladies were awesome, so I always tried to talk my mom into agreeing to take the surveys. The one time she finally broke down and did the survey, I was lucky enough to tag along and commit the entire experience to vivid memory. They led mom and I into a little room in the back of the mall. We had to watch five trailors for the third installment of "Alien" and tell which ones were our favorites. I felt like we were in on a big secret. Years later, I discovered to my dismay that Aliens 3 actually sucked. Big time sucked.

2) This made me laugh.

3) Today in the Trib, they ran a story about a 19 year old college student who hit by a drunk driver and died over the weekend. It was one of those typically depressing stories about what a good person she was, but her dad said something that creeped me out: "My daughter was the epitome of innocence." Please dad, if I die prematurely, don't tell people I was the epitome of innocence. I would be totally embarrassed... from BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!

El Creepo...

Virginia Tech massacre = bad, sad horrible tragedy. Agreed. However, did you happen to check out the shooter's writings from his playwright class? One of his classmates kept her copies of his stories (which is always a good idea, since I had a future pedophile in my creative writing class and can now look back on his essays with a different perspective). There are two of them. The common theme? Getting raped by one's father figure. Imagine that! Here's the first one. Here's the second one. Sad sad sad, but they tell me a lot more about the shootings than the fucking TODAY SHOW broadcasting LIVE from the campus this morning. Jesus.

DILEMMA!!

Dear Friends,

I'm facing a dilemma and I need your help.

Today I finally grew tired of my current ringtone selection on my phone. You can only hear "Rock n' Roll High School" so many times before it drives you mad. MAD!

I know it would be easy to make my own ringtones for free, but there's something about paying $2 for a stupid snippet of a stupid song that I enjoy. Here are my current options. Which one should I choose? Hurry! I only have a few more hours before I'll give up revert back to my old "Trapped in the Closet" ringtone...

1. Johnny Paycheck - Take This Job & Shove It
2. Michael Jackson - Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
3. Kris Kross - I Missed the Bus
4. Dio - Holy Diver
5. Miles Davis - Freddie Freeloader
6. Wheel of Fortune Theme Song
7. Ozzy - Crazy Train (it gets more complicated because there are TWO options for Crazy Train. I could either get the intro or the chorus)

What do you recommend? I'm leaning towards either Dio or Ozzy. Which song would you most like to be annoyed by?

I also found some disturbing things on Cingular's ringtone site. Who would pay $2 to get a ringtone of William Hung singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"?!? This guy?

Disregard my nervousness. Please, uh, please ignore my vacant stares...

Remember yesterday when I was overwhelmed by all the shit resting on my shoulders? Yeah, not today. Granted, I did a bunch of stuff yesterday and today. For example -- I just charged TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS on my credit card. Paying for the bar review is expensive, brah!

In fact, I did so many small things that had to be taken care of, I find myself with hours of free time until Jon gets out of class. Hours? What will I do with hours of free time and not a shred of creativity or energy left in my body? After careful consideration, here's a list of what I do when I have absolutely no desire to be productive and no ability to be awesome:

1. Listen to Led Zeppelin III on repeat until I get tired of it and listen to the first Violent Femmes album on repeat.

2. Look myself up on Google. On today's Googling adventure, I discovered that there is an entire fleet of buses in Madrid, Spain that share my name. Check it:


Apparently these buses are also chauffeured by a team of British butlers:



3. Talk to Erin on the phone and insist on researching whether or not her new jobby-job will drug test. My prediction? No.

4. Oh shit! I'm boring you, aren't I. I bore myself too. Remember the days when I wasn't boring? Here are some examples:

When I dressed up as a Republican for Halloween in 2004.
[I even posed with a real Republican to authenticate the look. Man was I chunky monkey back then]

When I dressed up as a teenage goth kid for Halloween in 2005.
[Cody was there. He can vouch for how un-boring and entertaining I was at the time]

When I bought that plaid suit at the estate sale.
[and it rocked my fuckin' world]

When I dressed up for Pants & Audrey's wedding.
[and accessorized the outfit with a live animal]


Okay. Enough of this bullshit. I'm going to eat the rest of that chocolate easter bunny and stare at the wall until I can go out for drinks later tonight. I'll be fun then, I swear.

And she passes looks, as well as bills, to every suave young man

Newsflash! I'm losing my mind! So many things I have to do. Graduating in about 4 weeks. FOUR WEEKS?! Have to write a research paper, have to finish my case summaries for Royce, have to learn all three of my big classes, have to mail in my Bar registration and character & fitness, and more and more and more... there's also an ACLU of Mid-Missouri meeting at Classy's on April 28th. You want to go, don't you? I set up our blog & e-mail group today. It was thrilling. I'm fairly certain that the person who designed Yahoo! Groups is mentally handicapped, but what can I do? They use an exclamation point in their name and I'm oddly drawn to that. Fuckin' Yahoo! Groups.

So I went to my parents' house for the Zombification of Jesus Day. Did we go to church like Shotwell's family? Church?!? Pshaw! We didn't even pray at the beginning of the meal. For being such a church-crazy family in the 1980's, we seem to have fallen far from Jeebus. Hopefully we'll never be forced to go back. I would burst into a shower of flames if I set foot inside of a church. You know, because of my dead soul and all. Regardless, Dad made some stellar food that was both gluten-free and vegetarian and Jon & I ate ourselves silly. There was even creme brulée for dessert. Yeah! Creme fuckin' brulée.


Oh! Did you hear that I passed the Multistate Professional Responsibility Exam? In fact, I passed it so much that I'm ethically up to par in EVERY FUCKING STATE. Wooot! I was a little worried before the scores came out today, but I did the best I could and apparently it paid off. I ate half of a chocolate Easter bunny to celebrate. My life is slowly turning into a Cathy® comic strip. ACK!!! (Get it? Cathy? She likes chocolate and her ass is ever-expanding...)

Last night after we got home, I decided to finish off an open bottle of wine and watch THREE HOURS of "Banned from the Bible" on History Channel. The stories were all incredibly engaging and I recommend that you catch it if you see it in replays. You want to hear my favorite story? Don't pretend like you're not interested... Thecla.


Have you heard of this shit? You Catholic kids probably have, because she's a saint now, I believe. Here's a website about the story. Here's another one. I'll give my five-second summary so you can get a feel for how awesome this is -- the only thing missing is unicorns:

So Thecla starts hanging out with Paul. She becomes an ascetic and denounces the institution of marriage because she and Paul know the world is going to end soon. When a wealthy guy asks her to marry him, she turns him down. The guy turns her in for saying "no" and she's supposed to be burned at the stake. They start burning her at the stake and God sends a thunderstorm down to put the fire out. Thecla and Paul escape and wander around preaching to people. This marriage proposal business happens again in another town and this time she's thrown into a lion's den in one of those fancy arenas the pagans liked so much. The male lions started to attack her, but the female lions surrounded and protected her. Instead of being split by religion, the audience suddenly split into women vs. men. All the women were cheering for her, all the men against her. The lions didn't kill her, so they tried to throw her into a tank of sharks. Apparently God had the clever idea to shoot the sharks with LIGHTENING BOLTS and they died. Thecla then proceeded to baptize herself in the shark tank, because she couldn't get any men in the church to baptize her! Sista's on fire! Hot fire. Since Thecla took a leadership role that supposedly good Christian women shouldn't, church officials made sure her story was excluded from the final version New Testiment. The end. Like I said, all this thing was missing was a group of flying unicorns who swooped down and picked her up. Ahh... feminist Bible fantasies... If only they would've featured that shit in an episode of The Flying House.









I miss Ronnie Belliard.

Dirtbomb, whaaaa???

Jon turned me on to this shit, and you will be a better person for having listened to it.... Seriously. It's the best.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKE CURRY.

Good luck, Erin. You're going to knock the socks off of those stuffy TFA peeps.

I'm sending out the good vibes and I'm totally drunk.

Holla at yer gal!

PS -- You know what rocks? White Lion.

I named mine "Queensrÿche"

I'm going to say one thing and I'm only going to say it once...

Holy Fuck.

Erin, these Swedish jerks beat you to the punch!