Kelly Kapowski am I

Tragedy.

What a horrible day. I'm rattled out of bed at the tender time of 12:15pm by a shrieking cat. You want to know what Dr. Baby was terrified of? My zit.

I walk to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. Giant, red blemish. Bubbling under the surface. Just waiting to erupt on the very tip of my giant nose!!! AAAAHHHH!! A teen beauty queen's worst nightmare.

So now I'm sitting. Sitting and waiting. I'm certain that this thing is going to explode on the end of my nose at any minute. I just hate the waiting. Now I know how Anne Frank and her family felt!!! Maybe I should keep a diary of my suspended doom -- wait.. electronic diary... maybe that's what you are here for!

I very rarely show anyone my face without some form of make-up on it (another similarity between Anne Frank and myself), but I had to let you all see just how serious this thing is: See? See it?!

Oh! What is a 24-year old girl with a teenage mindset to do?!? If only someone could give me some sort of magic cream that could take away all of my blemishes overnight. Wait a minute.... This sounds suspiciously like the... yes. I know. Kelly Kapowski. Night before the Homecoming parade. The magic cream that Screech Powers accidentally invented and Zack Morris capitalized upon. You stay away from ME, Zack Morris! I'm not going to let you turn my face red!

However, I did have a dream last night that I was wearing a big red clown nose and everyone at Bayside was laughing at me. At ME!! Their soon-to-be-crowned Homecoming Queen!!!!

Zombie-licious

The Onion always makes me laugh, but this made me laugh so hard in my head that I had to close the window on my laptop so I wouldn't let anyone sitting next to me in class know that I was laughing so hard (in my head). Yeah. I'm not going to clean up that last sentence. It sounds insane. I don't care.

Oh! We're going to see the new Sarah Silverman movie tonight at the RagTag at 9:15. Jesus is Magic. I can't fucking wait.

Peace out, Dwayne Wayne.

Grrrr......

Check this shit out.

Isn't it bad enough that the Bush administration is shipping off these troops to Iraq? Now their best friends at Halliburton are letting the water supply become incredibly tainted. Genius.

What a clusterfuck of a presidency.

"Oh it's time to BLAWG about this..."

So Ryan and I are sitting here. My fingers covered in Baked! Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream chips. {DEEEEeeeeelicious}

We're watching this "Party Party" show on Bravo! Two different families are followed around who are planning their kids' "special parties." This episode is about these B'nai-Mitzvahs for two UBER-Jewish twin boys vs. a French trustfund baby waif bitch who has no respect for anyone or anything. She forgets her BOOK AAANNND HER DRRRRESSSS!!!! Pathetic.

So they're showing the twins' "Fabulous Hollywood Party" {WELCOME TO TWINSELTOWN} and the big attraction comes in... A BILLY CRYSTAL IMPERSONATOR. Yes. When Harry Met Sally. Billy fucking Crystal.

Immediately. I pick up the phone and dial Erin's number. It rings twice. Erin picks up shrieking. When the scene had started, she turned to Mandy & said "Julia deserves a call about this Billy Crystal." She was picking up the phone to call me when it rang in her hand. We are psychic friends. We are psychic, Bravo Reality TV-watching friends.

Automatic, Supersonic, Hypnotic... Work your body... TWO STEP!

Feist-y!!

Okay, so Feist is coming to the Blue Note on February 1st. I know. I can't wait either. Have you heard Feist? You really should. She's wonderful. French Canadian indie-pop superstar. Former roommate of Peaches. Member of Broken Social Scene. Sometimes guest singer in Kings of Convenience. Her songs touch my heart (and blow my mind). Nullus.

If you want to hear some Feist, you should ask me to burn you a cd. {Not that I would do that, because that would be a copyright violation, but you should ask me regardless.}

Blue Note!
Wednesday!
February 1st!

[or, if you are a jerk and decide that you hate Feist, Zoso is playing on the 9th. I won't link them, because they don't deserve it, but they're apparently the "ultimate Led Zeppelin experience." Hilarious]

Psychics vs. Skeptics

It's almost 3am. Ryan is at "work" (by "work" I mean banging that mute chick that works in the mail room at his office).

So there is a Rabbi and a super-skeptic debating Sylvia Brown and two other psychics on Larry Kind Live right now. I'm sorry. I'm an atheist skeptic, but after watching this episode, I would trust anything Sylvia Brown and her psychics say over any of these pathetic fucks. What a bunch of hateful sycophants. Seriously. This is too much. The psychics are kind, thoughtful people who ask a million questions of the world and still have deep-rooted spiritual beliefs. This Rabbi guy is just horrible. The skeptic is throwing out personal insults and screaming at the psychics.

Are other people picking up on this? Mainstream religion fosters the kind of spiteful, pompous attitude that the Rabbi & religious guy are exhibiting. When I was in Christian school, we were always taught that while psychics may have some insight into the immediate future their INSIGHTS WERE GIVEN TO THEM BY SATAN. That is exactly how the Rabbi is treating the psychics - like a bunch of evil, lying sinners who have no grasp on spirituality. Makes me pull my hair out.

Oh! Ryan & I ventured out to the mall today. Big mistake, but we did pick up some awesome junk. Ryan bought slippers. I bought this incredible book. When you stop by my house, you should definitely pick it up and look through it. It was made for me -- all secret confessions by anonymous people who sent these 5X7 cards to this website. I can't put it down. I have it sitting on my lap right now. In fact... I'm going to read it. Au revoir.

"I am a Southern Baptist Pastor's wife. No one knows that I do not believe in God."

"My parents are related."

"I masturbate to pictures of Civil War soldiers."

Wow.

Duude...

...and now... a scene from the cinematic classic, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle:

Two teenage boys sit in one's father's study. Obviously in the throes of a "marihuana" high. Boy 1 approaches the father's gun cabinet.

Boy 1 (as he retrieves a shotgun from the cabinet): Duuuude... I'm so high right now... Nothing can hurt me!!

[Boy 1 places the shotgun in his mouth]

Boy 2 (as he leans forward to stop his friend): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[as the lights drop suddenly, a shotgun blast is heard from offstage. Boy 1 is probably dead of a self-inflicted shotgun wound to the head]

---------

that's what tonight was like.

aaahahahaaaahahhahahahahahaha.....

Valley of the What?!

Yeah. Its 4:00 am. I can't sleep tonight. I'm also sober, so there's no fun in being alone & awake this late.

I'm half-watching Valley of the Dolls on AMC right now. I've never seen it before and the only reason I'm watching it is because of this description I saw while browsing the listings on Yahoo TV:

Three young women turn to pills because of their lives in show business. From the Jacqueline Susann book. Adult Situations; Language. Cast: Barbara Parkins, Patty Duke, Sharon Tate

Based on the above summary, you would think that this movie is going to be a drug-themed slapstick romp through the zany world of Hollywood -- similar to my very favorite comedy, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, but starring a bunch of sexy ladies who cuss and get into "adult situations" {translation: TITTIES}. Bonus feature ~~ one of the stars was later killed by Charles Manson's crew (no homo).

WRONG.

These white bitches is crazy. Yes they're on drugs, but instead of showing them being all high and having fun like normal people on drugs --- they show them spinning around in front of a black backdrop. Twirling colorful scarves. Then they quickly devolve into drugged out weirdo mean girls. While it's true that Sharon Tate was later killed by Charles Manson's crew, I was struck with the realization that SHE SUCKS IN THIS MOVIE. What a legacy, eh? Her seminal role will always be this uptight drugged out white lady actress pissing her life away in the rolling hills of California. Somebody should chastize her for such a poor performance... oh... wait a minute...

Okay. This is quite hilarious now. Patty Duke said "Boobies, boobies, boobies. Nothin' but boobies. Who needs em?" For true. Check out some of these amazing quotes on imdb.



"Ted Casablanca is NOT a fag... and I'm the dame who can prove it."

Aaaahahaha....

Check it out. I just found this article about the restaurant. Hilarious.

Ryan & I had a trippy dippy New Year's Day. Alls I'm going to say about it is what I wrote down...

"SHROOMS. ALIVE WITH DRUGS. WE ARE FUZZED UP AND PLUGGED IN."

I'm thinking of putting that on a t-shirt.


Good idea? Most definitely.