Just like a ghost you've been a-haunting my dreams

Behold: Chuck Cunningham Syndrome!!

Who knew?! It's a fucking epidemic in American sitcoms!

So yesterday I spent hours upon hours doing a little project for Pretrial Lit. We were assigned to stalk our professor on the internets [that's him on the right. you should really watch the short - directed by his little broheim - VAMPIRE VALENTINES DAY!], come up with as much information as we could find about him, and present it to class today. Yeah. I know. I was made for this shit. While I thought I'd honed my internet stalking skillz over the years, I was totally unaware of the Boone County Assessor's website. TREASURE TROVE! You can look up the titles to any property in Boone County. Wooot! I found the chain of title to the house we're living in now. Formerly owned by Margaret LLoyd. Next, I went to the Tribune and typed her name into the Archive Search. Lookit what I found from January 3rd 2001:

Last Wednesday morning, an 88-year-old Columbia woman was found dead on her front porch, apparently of hypothermia. Nearby residents last spoke with Margaret Lloyd of 202 West Boulevard S. about 9:30 a.m. the preceding day, Meyer said. The same people who spoke with her found her body about 10 a.m. last Wednesday. She apparently had stepped outdoors to get a newspaper, Meyer said. At the time, she was dressed for cold weather but wearing slippers. Lloyd apparently fell on the porch and was unable to get back inside her house, which was not locked. Meyer said people familiar with Lloyd said she had a bad heart and suffered from an asthmatic condition. She also had recently complained of difficulty breathing, he said.

I can't go out there now without thinking about her. Do you think she tripped on that old, shoddy outdoor carpet that's nailed to the floor? Do you think she suffered? Eerie...

I fully intend to clean up those cigarette butts that are littering the front porch... but I'm under the influence... so I'll probably be tripping all over shit while I do it.

My own hipster doofus memorial service for Margaret.

Georgia on my mind?

I just looked at NYTimes online. Because I'm a nerd and it's 12:45 on a Saturday night, you know? I immediately started to read the Ray Nagin re-election story, but I became lost in the realization that Georgia has been my favorite font for about 10 years. Ten years! Look how far it's come. NYTimes Online. Makes me so proud. Huzzah for Georgia. Huzzah. Huzzah.

I'M BORED.

AND SELF-CENTERED.

I KNOW PRECISELY HOW LONG I'VE LOVED A FONT.

Ginger Spice Reborn

NEW HAIR! NEW HAIR?! HAIR! EXACTLY!! THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID. NEW HAIR!

I start my new unpaid J-O-B tomorrow. I'm jittery nervous.

Even the Daily Show didn't help.

At least I gots this new hair.



I should go.


<-- This picture is giving me the willies!

It takes a train to cry...

Now the wintertime is coming
The windows are filled with frost
I went to tell everybody
But I could not get across
Well, I wanna be your lover, baby
I don't wanna be your boss
Don't say I never warned you
When your train gets lost.

Wednesday? Hours to kill? Drunk? Dylan's Highway 61 Revisited is the way to go.

True American Girl -- Julia at 9 years old.

Today I pulled out my diary from 3rd grade. Horrifying. 1991. Ohhh.. No sirr.... Not just any diary...

A 365 days a week Official American Girl Diary with 2 X 2-inch spaces for my innermost thoughts & feelings! After a close examination of this.. document... it appears that I was psychotic at nine years old. Also a poor speller. And a flake. I also may have confused my life for Valley of the Dolls. Directly from the source -- prepare to be royally annoyed by a petulant child:

About Me -- "I live at 2833 Olde Chelsea. My favorite things to do are play Nintindo, watch TV, eat. My favorite things to wear are my blue jeans and a compfertable shirt. My best friend is named Andrea Schumacher Jackie Thelen Marissa Koch. We are friends because we never get into fights and we like each other. When I grow up, I want to be an actress."

1.1.91 -- Dear Diary, Today is New Year's Day and my boyfriend's birthday! Well, I like him but, I don't know if he likes me his name is Tim.
[NOTE: All spelling mistakes will be included. If you look hard enough where they're placed, you'll see my shame triple!! PS ~ You'll also notice that I've always been obsessed with post scripts.]
1.2.91 -- Dear Diary, Today I went with my mom to our church and she worked, but I watched TV.
1.3.91 -- Dear Diary, Today was my dad's birthday. We had the worst tasting chocolate pie! No school today. Bad weather.
1.4.91 -- Dear Diary, Today i told my friend Jackie that I like Tim and she told the whole class! Tim didn't belive this so he asked me and I said yes he was so embarrassed
1.5.91 -- Dear Diary, Today I talked with my friend Andrea on the phone for an hour! And tonight our whole family watched Ghostbusters the Movie.
1.6.91 -- Dear Diary, Today I wrote a note to Tim.
PS: I don't think Tim likes me.
1.7.91 -- Dear Diary, Tonigt we went to layschool it was SO boring. Today at school my friend Megan asked me if I like Andrea and I said kind of. Andrea heard us and asked what we were doing so I said we were talking about Jackie. Megan said I was a great lyer.
1.8.91 -- Dear Diary, Tonight my best friend Andrea is spending the night. Say hi Andrea "HI!"
PS: (because her brother is in the hospitle)
1.9.91 -- Dear Diary, Andrea's still here! Today at school Tim said he likes me a little!
1.10.91 -- Dear Diary, Guess what, Andrea for her birthday is letting Stephanie H. spend the night Friday [the 11th] and not me. It's so unfair.
1.11.91 -- Dear Diary, Tonight Andrea was having her party and I wasn't invited! She didn't call me to tell me the time so I couldn't come! We were going to go see a movie.
PS: I WAS ONE OF THE FINALLEST'S IN THE SPELLING BEE.
1.12.91 -- Dear Diary, Today I went to my friend Robin's birthday party I going to be mean to Andrea and say that she and Stephanie missed a great party.
PS: Robin's birthday is the 19th and Shayna my favorite babysitter is baby sitting tonight.
1.13.91 -- Dear Diary, Today at church I thought up a new comic strip called Semi Ala High.
PS: I hate Andrea Very, very, much.
1.14.91 -- Dear Diary, I can't believe it! We have school tomorrow. I mean I'm really ticked off. Ya know what Andrea is trying to steal Tim from me
1.15.91 -- Dear Diary, Today me and my friend Jackie and my friend Megan wrote a really bad note to New Kids on the Block.
1.16.91 -- Dear Diary, Today I didn't go to school because I wasn't feeling good. I had sinus drainage.
1.17.91 -- Dear Diary, Tommorrow is the all school spelling bee. Me and my best friend Jackie made an I hate New Kids club. {awful smiley face picture}
1.18.91 -- Dear Diary, At the spelling bee I spelled biscuit wrong.
PS: I hate Andrea and I hate the New Kids on the Block.
1.19.91 -- Dear Diary, Today me and my mom went shopping I got a cool ultra green and black wallet. Then I got a Wilson Phillips tape!
PS: My dad loves Wilson Phillips, the group.
1.20.91 -- Dear Diary, Tommorrow I'm going to Matthew's house for the day. And in three days we're going to put my dog A.Y. to sleep. And the 22nd is my mom's birthday.
PS: Tomorrow we don't have school for Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday!
1.21.91 -- Dear Diary, Today Kristy mom's best friend and Matthew's mom. Told me that the 25th and tomorrow she's going to have a surprize B.D. party for her and she's going to stuff little notes all over our house.
PS: She has a key.
1.22.91 -- Dear Diary, The 24th at school we're having career day. I don't know how models dress so I'm going to be a spy.
1.23.91 -- Dear Diary, Tommorrow is career day at school. I've changed my mind and I'm going to be a lawyer.
1.24.91 -- Dear Diary, Today is my friend Jackie's birthday. Tim was a rapper he lookes so cute.
1.25.91 -- Dear Diary, Tonight I started wearing deoderent, and tonight I'm sleeping in the basement.
PS: We're not going to put A.Y. to sleep yet!
1.26.91 -- Dear Diary, Nothing happend today so boy was I BOARD! But this morning I watched Saturday morning cartoons.
1.27.91 -- Dear Diary, Today Justin (my age) and Josh (his older brother) came over because we had to watch them.
PS: Me and Justin are good friends.
1.28.91 -- Dear Diary, Today I stayed home alone for like 7 hours! It was SO fun.
PS: P.S. stands for Pond Scum. Ha! Ha!
1.29.91 -- Dear Diary, Today we had a sub Mrs. Whitelock. I HATE HER!!
1.30.91 -- Dear Diary, Today we got our report cards, and I got all A's!
1.31.91 -- Today we went outside for recess, I got my shoes ALL muddy.

.................

Just like Grey's Anatomy!! A sexy cliffhanger!!! Who will I choose? Tim? Matthew? Justin? Will the mud ever come off my shoes?!?

I know. I don't care either. Strange that I settled for being a lawyer so early in my life. Man, what a horrible suburban existence I led as a child! At least you can take comfort in the fact that while writing this diary during the month of January 1991, in the quiet of my entirely pink bedroom, I made out a few times with both Justin AND Matthew. My mom would've killed me if she read that shit in my diary. I kept it clean because I'm pretty sure that she read it often. Sheeeeeiiiitt... I would have done the same thing if I was her.

That little lady got around when she was 9!

Tim? No... I never made out with him.... {NPH-style look off into the distance}

Done, BITCHES!!!

Look out world. She's back. Finals are fiiinally done (get it?!). My brain is still a puddle of goo. I'm not complaining. Dinner at House of Chow with Ben, Errn & Ryan. Yes. We're all bloggers here. I ordered a Flaming Volcano, but had to drink it ALLLLL BY MYSELF!!! I see now why they give you two foot-long straws. So you can drink it twice as fast. {lame-midwestern-mom-who-just-returned-from-a-coworkers-bachelorette-party-at-Chippendale's tittering} Mmmmm.... volcano...

I'm done! Done! My muscles are slowly un-tensing. I think I can see my neck again!

Time to go. My leg is asleep under this laptop. It's getting uncomfortable. I think I may have a blood clot in my leg. Wooot!! Blood clot = SUMMERTIME FUN!!!

TTYL. I have better things to do... like... watch.. the Daily Show....

Maybe it's because he's so alone

We're watching Punch-Drunk Love right now. At my behest, but I'm too ADHD to pay it my undivided attention. So I go online. But I've grown bored with the available passive viewing material and have to make up my own. Yeah. I need to stop it with this school bullshit. I need to tap dance in the pudding aisle of a grocery store while wearing a crayon blue suit. Or completely destroy the men's bathroom at an upscale restaurant... lovely...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barry: I'm lookin' at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna fuckin' smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You're so pretty.

Lena: I want to chew your face, and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them.

[pause]

Barry: OK. This is funny. This is nice.

This year's Senior Prank --> herpes.

This has gotta be painful. He swiped a beer from someone on a commuter train?! In front of his children?!? Ahhh... memories.

I'm in recovery.

Criminal Procedure final is DONE.

You want to see that in a pictoral representation?
DONE!






nice. isn't it.


One down. Three to go. PUKE!

My brain isn't functioning right now. I guess sitting completely still for three and a half hours will do that to you. Also I was drunk. During the test.

I drew a picture of my hand!

I know your habits -- but wouldn't recognize you yet

A gay pirate sayswhaa?? Sure he's hanging out with Charlize Theron and sure he's a hotshot Brit fashion designer... but come on... this has gone too far.... I blame the NYTimes.



It's called the moral fibre of America and I do believe you're destroying it

I miss that stupid ache

Remember the "good old days"?? Before finals? Remember those days? Last week? No? Me neither. Good times have been smothered by a mountain of outlines. Today's Tuesday. My last final is next Tuesday. One week of this shit left. You just wait, little blog. I'm a'gonna treat you so good when this is all over, baby. I'm going to write in you every single day! With a neon glitter pen!





<--- Goal for the Summer: Hone my awesome potential for photoshopping black eyes on my face.

That lady's got WORK arms!!











Listening to Fiona Apple is making me treat finals like a scorned lover. I'm begrudgingly spending time with these outlines -- but I'm counting down the minutes until I can tell them to get their shit out of my house. Maybe I'll throw them out the window this year!!! YEAAAHHH!!!! OUT THE WINDOW!!!!!!

All these people that you mention
Yes, I know them, they're quite lame
I had to rearrange their faces
And give them all another name