Here comes Timbaland, I'm also from the South. I like the the girls with big butts and golds in they mouth.

101 degrees outside today! I know. Unless you live someplace made of tundra... like... Canada... you're probably suffering too. See, the difference is -- I don't deserve to suffer. You're most likely guilty of something. Especially you, Dan. You made a number of secretive phone calls while you were in town this weekend. I'll get to the bottom of it... even if I keep having to sleep in this Latino's car outside of your apartment every night for the rest of my life... or maybe a week. I dunno. I get tired easily. It's 101 degrees outside, after all. At least this El Camino has wireless.

Oh! D-Moll & I caught A Scanner Darkly tonight. Granted, I haven't yet read the story... but the plot seemed a little weak to me. Especially at the end. The animation was brilliant. Much more stylized than Waking Life, but I couldn't take the preachiness at the end of the film. It made me want to go out and do all the Substance D I could find. Just to spite Phillip K. Dick. Mostly just because of his name... and the film adaptation of I, Robot. That movie made me weep for the death of humanity. Did anyone else notice that Will Smith starred in a little minstrel show action? Just checking. (i.e. when he ate entire plates of soul food in the middle of the street. In the future. With robots everywhere. And flying fucking cars).

Anyway, I really loved the combination of Winona Ryder, Woody Harrelson, Robert Downy Jr., and Keanu Reeves (even though he's still an awful actor in this). The four of them, totally strung out on drugs for the entire film was really hilarious. I highly recommend that you see this in the theatre. Maybe under the influence. But don't take my word for it! {cue Reading Rainbow music}

Oh snap! Bette Midler is on Conan. It's like watching mom on TV.


Waiting.


Waiting.


August 5th!! Jefferson City! CrabCakes Butcher Shop! Open for Business! Ladies Beware. BEWARE!!

Can you hear it?

Epilogue: Goodtime Karaoke Saturday Booze Cruise

Just as a lesson to all you kiddies out there who are contemplating having the same crash-bang karaoke drinkfest I had last night, I'll share with you my alcohol-induced embarrassment.

This morning at breakfast, I puked in the bathroom at Cucina Sorella.

I know. I know. Luckily, I had just taken a Pepcid AC Complete and had only a few sips of iced tea, so it wasn't too "pukey" smelling... but still. Awful.

Drinking a lot is AWFUL.

I don't recommend it.


Also, I totally had to miss the FUCKIN' Boone County Fair Demolition Derby tonight! Damn those spirits! Damn them back to the unmarked bottle they flowed from.

Ahead of you lies adventure...

You know what I like? Lemme tell you in this drunken condition of mine:

1) Guys who appreciate me in this sexy, slovenly, inebriated state.

2) Guys who are actually real men with backbone!!

3) Guys who get five votes when others only get one.

4) Guys who love me no matter what temporary, silly bullshit is sitting at their feet.

To guys!

To guys... Especially that Errn dude.


She's a class act.


Dudes aren't worth it, in the long run... Bonnie Tyler.

Funny -- when the laughter's over and the joke's on you

My life: Asleep in the living room this morning. I wake up at 8am to the sound of Jodie trying to move her metal and glass desk set up to her room. By herself. So I jump from sleep mode directly into help mode. We're moving the desk up the stairs. I'm on the lower side of the desk. Wearing gym shorts & my Queen Bee slippers. The desk slips from my grasp a little bit and slams into my left elbow. It made a *crack* noise when it happened. I started seeing white. I had to sit down on the stairs while Jodie carried the rest of the desk up alone. Awful. Bruise forms immediately.

So I want to bounce back. I collect myself and start helping her move stuff again. I carry part of a shelf up the stairs, lean it against the wall, turn around to go back down the stairs. Things seem okay, then one of my damned slippers gave out from underneath me. I flew down the stairs, trying to stop myself with both elbows and apparently my tail bone. The bruising on my left elbow is nothing compared to the right elbow. This bitch looks nasty. Like my abusive husband (WHO I LOVE) decided to teach me a lesson or something. Pshaw. I can take care of that shizz by myself!

Lesson learned.

Don't help people move furniture.

You'll only trip on your slipper and fall down the stairs.


Hohan or Blohan? A question for the ages.

The ferocious rats cannot be handled...

Good morning, chip-chip-chippies!

The sun is shining and all that jazz. NYTimes online is hopping. Me too.

Kick it:

My Favorite NYT Article in a Few Days




















Republicans -- Supporting Incest since... well.. forever. FUCK!


Don't blame Margaret Spellings when we're all declared unfit to stand trial
{is it just me? or is Douglas D. Christiansen kind of sexy... Hmmm.. I agree. He's kind of sexy.}


Fascinating. Nauseating.

Man-made deltas and concrete rivers...

I decided to break out of the confines of the house and putz around downtown this evening. Things I encountered:

-- A small biker gang rumbling down 9th Street

-- A hobo who first addressed me with "HEY PRINCESS!" then leaned toward me as I walked by and yelled "MY ADOPTION PAPERS JUST CAME IN TODAY. WILL YOU SIGN FOR ME?!"

... so I did. He's officially my adopted son and came to me malnourished. A substantial amount of teat-suckling is taking place. It's messy. Some of his teeth are missing - but I love my sixty eight year old son.

-- A soccer mom mini-van with a message hand-painted on the back window. "BABY KILLERS BEWARE."

-- You?


I shit you not.
All of these things are true.

Especially the mini-van.

Sargento -- our family's passion is... cheese?

Guess where I am? Correct! Still on Erin's couch. If you weren't already awares, I'm staying with Jodie & Erin until my apartment is ready in a few weeks. I've been sleeping on the lovely vinyl couch that Chris ceremoniously handed down to Erin (kind of like that finger-touching business on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel -- whatever that shizz is all about). So I'm rolling around on this couch all morning. Half-sleeping, half-listening to everything going on around me, when I tried to roll over. As my legs were twisting around each other, the toenail of my big left toe caught the skin on the most sensitive part of the back of my right ankle and scratched the hell out it. The toenail scratch hurt so much I fucking screamed! Since I'm just now waking up, I decided to observe the damage. Yeah. It looks like I tried to skin myself. There was blood all over the back of my ankle. I had no idea. Anyway, it still hurts like a bitch and it's the only thing I can think of as I type this.

Guess what tonight is? Guess what tonight is?! Jenn & I are going to see Strangers with Candy at the RagTag. Wooot! I know. You're jealous. Don't be. I've invested too much in this. I'll only be disappointed... and my ankle's going to be killing me! Bastards. So if you would like to meet us there, give me a call on my celly celly ring ring (Bobby Trendy, where have you gone? Holy fuck that's really his profile) and I'll pick you up a ticket. Because I'm sweet like that.

Psych!

But really, I'll do it.

Hear me out!

Okay, so we all know that Scientology is a cult made up by L. Ron Hubbard. In making his cult on a bet, he had to incorporate all different kinds of fables & religious influences, right? Right. Jump to today. Scientology's elders are in charge of Hubbard's empire. They await his rebirth. Conspiracy theory time:

TomKat got married because they made a "perfect" couple in the eyes of Scientology. The elders of Scientology wanted the tru successor of Hubbard to be raised by the greatest & most beloved couple in the world (world = Hollywood in this case), so they approved TomKat to be their Mary & Joseph (MarJo? Woot!). Since one half of TomKat is a total horticultural lad (shout out Errn & Patrick), the couple was unable to conceive a child. The elders were aware of this pitfall, so they prepared. Two elders conceived a child together, and TomKat was supposed to raise the child as their own. To do this, Kat would have to fake a pregnancy for the future image of Scientology. So right now, their stupid baby is missing. Where is it? Either the birthmother is overdue, or having 2nd thoughts about putting her child in the care of someone who is as crazy as fuckin' TomKat...

This theory could turn in to something. Hopefully Scientology will threaten to sue me if I don't remove this post and I can finally have proof that my theory is correct! Time to call the Weekly World News...

Das Teaches of....

Oh man oh man.... So the Peaches show was last night in Lawrence. I was beside myself. I heard she puts on an incredible stage show, so I couldn't wait. Wooooo! Aside from the suffocating heat in the Granada, Erin's monumental nosebleed, and that giant sweaty guy who stood between me and Peaches... it was a FANTASTIC show. Her costumes! The topless dancers! The wacky-weirdo-hipster-losers in the audience dressed up in their wacky-weirdo-hipster-loser costumes. Everyone was drenched in sweat by the end of the show. My shirt was still wet when we got back to Columbia. Puke





The Eagles of Death Metal opened. I wanted to claw my eyes out after their first three fairly identical songs. (get it? Eagle? Claw?) They just kept playing.. and playing.. and playing. Dedicating every song to "ladies" and "bartenders." Too much of a shitty Queens of the Stone Age rehash for my likes (to quote Harrison). They were definitely not on Peaches' level. Sheeeeiiitt...


Shout out to Jenny for driving us in her Acuraahhhhh...

Oh yeah! Even more important than Peaches!!! ERIN & I EACH TRIED ONE OF THEM NEW KFC's FAMOUS BOWLS! Layers of the best KFC goodness you can find. Picture it. Plastic bowl + mashed potatoes + corn + fried chicken pieces + topped with BROWN GRAVY and SHREDDED CHEEEEZE! It was the perfect pre-Peaches meal.

I still can't believe I saw her in concert.

Swwwoooooooooonnnn......




Hurts so good I got a soregasm

My Best Move?

Wisest Decision I've Made All Day = Downloading Cee-Lo Green... Is the Soul Machine.


How have I lived the past two years without this album?!

Nick is to thank for this venture in downloading.


America Salutes You, Nick!


...oh yeah... I guess it also salutes... itself?

Someday they'll clamor for my drama...

Who is the pip with piz-azz?
Who is all ginger and jazz?
Who is as glamorous as?
Who's an American Beauty rose
With an American Beauty nose!
And ten American Beaty toes,
Eyes on the target, and wham--
One shot, one gun shot and BAM!
Hey, Mr. Keeney, here I am!
I'm the greatest star,
I am by far,
But no one knows it!
That's why I was born--
I'll blow my horn
Till someone knows it!
I'll light up like a light
Right up like a light
I'll flicker, then flare up (ha ha)
All the world's gonna stare up
Lookin' down
You'll never see me--
Try the sky,
'Cause that'll be me.
I can make 'em cry!
I can make 'em sigh!
Someday they'll clamor
For my dram-er.
Have you guessed yet,
Who's the best yet?
If ya ain't I'll tell ya one more time.
You bet your last dime
In all of the world so far
I am the greatest, greatest star!


So how was your Saturday night? Did you dance? Revel? Frolic with a herd of goats? Lovely!

Myself? I gayed it out tonight. By "gayed it out" I mean I spent the latter part of the evening downloading showtunes and singing (drunk) at the top of my lungs. You wanna know what I downloaded tonight? Here 'tis:

1. Funny Girl soundtrack
2. Diana Ross' solo debut album
3. The new Cat Power album, but there's nothing gay about that one...

The above lyrics are from "The Greatest Star" by Barbra Streisand. Currently my theme song. Also Dr. Baby's theme song... because he's sitting on my lap at the moment and only listens to what I tell him to... oh. wait. I think he may be into "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." He's purring like a madcat and his tail is flicking to the beat of the music. Yeah. Dr. Baby's theme song is officially "Aint' No Mountain High Enough" (because he's a diva at heart). He's really feeling the spoken-word part of this song. It inspires him.

Remember life holds for you one guarantee...