Newsflash

My mom just sent me this poem attached to a picture of two kittens sitting in a sink:

---------------
We Is Friends!
Me And You Is Friends!
You Smile, I Smile ....
You Hurt, I Hurt ..
You Cry, I Cry .
You Jump Off A Bridge ..
I Gonna Miss Your E-Mails
---------------

WTF?!

These cats... these CATS!

My cats are grade A bastards. Dr. Baby has always loved to wake me up exactly at dawn. Now he has an accomplice. I'm scared.

This morning, Dr. is standing over me, kneeding his paws into my neck, demanding to be fed. I sit up in bed and hear the neighbor's dog barking outside. No. Not just barking. A constant, unending loop of barks. Like the Jingle Bell dogs, but without the big studio budget. I stumble in to the kitchen to feed the cats, when I see Battlecat {see her wearing the sweater? 2nd cat down on the left. I know. She's a doll} who is usually asleep at 6:32 am, standing on top of the kitchen table in the breakfast nook {wait. did I just say "breakfast nook"? What a yuppie}. Her tail is up in the air. She is pacing back and forth across the table top. I look out the window to see what's going on, and I see the neighbor's dog standing at the fence. Barking at Battlecat. She was tempting the dog! Taunting him. Making him bark. Waking me up. Prompting me to walk into the kitchen for their goddamned food. Sneaky jerks.

I just finished making Ben's cd. Oh yes. It is lovely. I was going to just make it all Saigon all the time, but I decided to throw in some Lady Sovereign (because I think you might enjoy her) and that damned Diplo Rhythm song that I can't get out of my head (because everyone needs to hear it so they know my delicious pain). I think I dreamt about the song last night. Dancing. Dancing. Dreaming. Can't stop listening to it. The song has burrowed deep into my brain and is laying a million Brazilian baile funk tracks at the base of my skull. I know. It sounds messy.

Stop putting so much trust in your religion
They couldn't conquer without division
Boy you still black, I don't care if you Catholic or Christian
Police'll still fuck you up, young buck
Bust you in your head, leave your body by the dump truck
Revolution got me pumped up

Gotta love Saigon.

Pop Quiz, Hotshot...

Question: Who was just offered an internship at the Public Defender's Post-Conviction Appeals Office in Columbia?

Answer: Me, Hotshot.



Did you think it would be Dennis Hopper? People always say Dennis Hopper.

Everyone wants to be wanted.

Feeling too down/run down/down & out in Beverly Hills to form coherent phrases and structure at the moment. I've been in a funk in the past few days. Not sure if it's a product of stress or exigent circumstances. So if you see me scowling, don't hesitate to come and talk to me. I'm not mad, I'm just... off? My thoughts:

1. Whatever happened to friendship bracelets? At what point did they stop being cool? I know I spent hours upon hours in 3rd thru 5th grade making these things. When did I stop making them? WHY?!?! Needless to say, expect to see some friendship bracelets comin' atcha in due time. If you want to start up a friendship bracelet-making club, we can do that too.

2. How does Hunvald expect us to learn when he never answers any of his own questions? Socratic method only goes so far.

3. I went to Walgreens to buy some food and vitamins and such. While I was there, I wanted to find something to make me happy. No candy. No make-up. No magazines. I finally stopped in the toy aisle. I needed something great to start my day (not just good, great). I found it. A $2.99 Duncan Imperial Yo-Yo. Let me just say that I've never been proficient at the yo-yo. I get too worked up over it and my muscles freak out. BUT -- there were directions on the back of this package. Step-by-step, Duncan showed me how to master their yo-yo. I'm still working on it, but I'm much better than I was at age 12. Maybe my day is making a turn for the best. Maybe I'll end up joining "The Duncan Crew." Because it really does exist. The Simpsons knew more than I realized.

4. Why don't they offer night school law school at Mizzou? If you're reading this Dean Dessem {and I know you are} -- please create some night school classes at your convenience. It would really make me happy.

PS for kids who grew up in the St. Louis area: Remember that kickass amazing Night School commercial from the mid 80's? It had a song --- "Niiight School / Talkin' bout Night School / Gonna {something something} / and go to Niiight Schoool" I'll sing it for you. That song is burned on my brain. Even if the lyrics escape me.

5. Why am I numbering?

6. I feel like I'm losing touch with who I am. I spent 30 minutes picking out an outfit to wear today. I feel like my brain is being simultaneously controlled by an ultra-nerd with crippling social awkwardness (also a recent development) and a 16 year old Junior Miss whose obsession with being attractive is becoming a problem.

Regardless, I'm in a weird state. A yo-yo was the only thing in Walgreens that made me happy. A yo-yo. Maybe I should start smoking cigarettes again. It would be like a hobby, right?
Cancer hobby.


PS - Right now, Dale Whitman is my hero.

Daily Affirmation

FYI. For those of you who are still unsure.

5 Things I am:
1. awesome
2. intelligent [and sexy hott]
3. a homebody
4. someone who pays attention in class
5. someone who knows the difference between individual's interest in privacy rights and a governmental interest in efficient law enforcement

5 Things I am not:
1. a stupid party girl
2. a bad note-taker
3. someone who lets Hunvald make her feel dumb when she doesn't immediately spot the competing interests of an arrestee and a cop
4. someone who lets that get to me the next morning
5. fuck - I only thought of 4 things. Well... I'm not un-awesome.

My little China girl... you shouldn't mess with me... I'll ruin everything you are

Man, I fucking love David Bowie.

Oh yeah. Jesse and Ted. Wells handed out our group assignments yesterday in class. I turned to discuss it with you two, but both of you skipped class, so I had to talk to my back-up Jesse and Ted dolls. Team Freedom Eagle has failed their first mission -- to boldly be present in class when the assignment was issued. 25 pages, bitches!!

My goals?
My goals are to find a cure for irony and make a fool
out of God.

Man, I fucking love the Waitresses.

Okay. I'm awake now. Gots to gets to the readinz! Oliveri just sent us an article about Sundown Towns. That's why I love her. Ryan & I watched James Loewen give a lecture on C-SPAN a few weeks ago, talking about sundown towns, cussing and such. Fascinating, terrifying stuff. I think Fulton, MO is the nearest sundown town to us, but I could be wrong.

We're Gonna Get Hi Hi Hi
With The Music On.
Won't Say Bye-Bye Bye-Bye Bye-Bye Bye-Bye
'Til The Night Is Gone.

Man, I fucking.. well... Paul McCartney & Wings often make me cringe -- does that make me un-American?

"1. Be subservient, submissive, and totally obedient..."

Check this crazy shit out...

I was in class, looking at ByronCrawford.com [as usual]. His newest post made me laugh -- mainly because we've discussed these kinds of creepy marriage contracts in both Family Law & Contracts -- but I didn't get truly creeped out until I actually looked at the contract. Holy fuck. Check this shit out.

No surprise that this guy is also facing child pornography charges.

Oh fuck... don't forget to look at subsequent pages of the contract. He defines the scary legal terms so that his wife's weak woman brain could comprehend it...

Ahhh...

ME TIME....

Heads up, sluts!

Blood clots! I knew there was truth in my neurotic obsession with dying of a blood clot. Check this shit out. Ortho-Evra will kill you! Kill you!! Thank Allah for that hot tub incident in Ste. Genevieve. If not for that water jet blasting off my patch, I would still be sporting one today. Also I might be dead of a blood clot.

Luckily, the NuvaRing is still the best and most amazing birth control "device" in the Western world. Woo Hoo!! Take that, Patches.

Oh. This is also sad news. I no longer have a reason to vacation in Vietnam. Way to go, Tribune. You've killed my high once again.

Back to class!

Fair Housing is kickass today. We're going to watch a video in a few minutes! VIDEO!!! BLOOD CLOT!!!

I am the Thursday NY Times Crossword Puzzle's Bitch

I finished Wednesday's puzzle without any aid. Except for Pappy. And Tim Brown -- but he was out to mess me up. The undertaking of today's puzzle was not as successful. I'm stuck. Fucking stuck. Too many esoteric clues. "Makes good cense?" "Emperor before Vitellius" (Nero?) Motherfucker.

I know. I know. My vanity is growing by leaps & bounds. So I was curious as to how many times my blog was actually being seen and I signed up on one of those sites that counts how many people visit your blog. Because I'm vain. I know. D-Bag City.

I've been signed up on this thing for about 3 weeks now. Here are my latest stats. Woop Woop!!

-- Site Summary ---

Visits
Total .......................... 559
Average per Day ................. 18
Average Visit Length .......... 1:08
This Week ...................... 127

Page Views
Total ........................ 1,034
Average per Day ................. 37
Average per Visit .............. 2.1
This Week ...................... 261

-----------------------------------------------------

Pretty darned popular, eh? 1:08 minutes is plenty of time to soak in my essence. Seeing that I only look at this thing about 100 - 150 times a day, that leaves a lot of page views! I hope that most of them are hapless passersby who are only looking for those terrible travel blogs made by neuvo-hippie rich kids enamored with Thai culture and Japanese schoolgirls.

On the other hand, a little piece of me is hoping that there is a socially awkward, slightly autistic man out there. Hunched over one of the free computers at the Daniel Boone County library. Frantically checking my blog every few minutes. Waiting. Hoping. Yearning for a new post. Surrounded by Google maps of my house. Spewed from the 5 cent printer in the corner. He could be wearing a t-shirt with my face on it, but that might be crossing into the Creepy Zone.

Anyway. The "Seven" episode of Seinfeld is on right now. I love 11:00 pm on Channel 11.

Ryan & I are getting caller I.D.!!!! Take THAT, government agents who are probably monitering our phone calls because I say "bomb" "kill" and "White House" all the time in allll of my phone conversations!

Love,
Lady J



Kramer's riding a girls bike.

Garlik Bredzzz is in das ovenzzzz!!!

1 minute until garlic bread. I'm on my laptop. Ryan is sitting next to me on his laptop. It's a Wednesday. Santino Rice didn't get cut tonight. Hiiighhlarious. Gotta love that Drama with a capital "D."

I was doing a mini-marathon read of Crim Pro tonight. The court kept flipping back and forth and nitpicking and flipping around over warrantless automobile searches. A few cases in to the reading, I realize that the entire Auto Exception to the 4th Amendment is basically being determined by the Justices' personal preferences and nothing more. They're using the exact same language from the exact same cases to prove completely different points. Maddening.

"I wish they would 'eliminate' the entire Supreme Court and replace them with robots!! Robots who are incapable of personal bias!!! Totally rational!!! Like Data from Star Trek TNG!!!!"

I yelled.

Ryan yelled back:

"Skynet became sentient in 1997... No way. T-1000's, dude."

(Doogie Howser moment)

I then realized the error of my thinking -- If we elect an all-robot Supreme Court, their first mission will be to usurp total control of the federal government and systematically dismantle our way of life.

Duh.

I'm in the phonebooth / its the one across the hall....

I was reading Slate in class, and it struck me -- maybe I was wrong to jump on the cell phone bandwagon... Check check this out.

Damn! Those things are terrifying!!!!

Back to class. Yes. I'm still in class right now.

Don't let that 8 year old drive your Life Bus.

Puke.

I'm running on 4 hours of sleep.

I think I'm getting sick, but I'm fighting it. On 4 hours of sleep.

The fight is not going well.

Project Runway is on tonight. Oh yes. It will be watched. Santino Rice is my new St. Charles Wunderkid.

Also a FULL HOUSE REUNION is on Larry King Live. Yes. I know. Tonight at 8pm. Erin and I are going to dress up while we watch it. I'm Kimmy Gibler. Erin is Aunt Becky. You want to come over and watch it? Only if you are a TRUE FAN. No Steve-lovers or Alex & Nicky zealots.

Speaking of horrific television interviews -- did anyone catch the Growing Pains Reunion last night on Larry King Live? (who else would interview Alan Thicke?) Ashamed to admit that I watched it for 7 minutes before my head exploded

An Anthem... of sorts...

I have to stand up. The time is long overdue. I'm going to lay down some domestic shit right about now. Don't be scared. I almost know what I'm talking about. See, I'm a bit obsessive-compulsive when it comes to household products and suburban food items. I like to test out new products. Compare name and generic brands. So listen up. Because i'm dropping some real truths about some important items in your shopping cart:

Episode 1 ~ Fuck You, Lil' Glove

Annie's Organic Skillet Meals -- We were browsing around the Natural Foods section at Hy-Vee (shout out, Glenn's friend who came to my New Years Eve party with Scattergories Junior! Shout out!) and were looking for something easy to make for dinner. I happened upon all of these. Glorious. We chose the Organic Cheddar & Herb Chicken variety. Easy to make. Delicious. They're like Hamburger Helper, but they encourage you to use tofu in place of chicken ("firm" is always superior to all other forms of tofu), they don't smell like chemicals when cooking, and they taste damned good at 3:15 am when you want to eat something cold, straight out of the refrigerator at 3:15 am.

So you should get some. They don't cost too much. They're fabulous. You can buy them at Glenn's work. Or Gerbe's. But if they have it in their pathetic excuse for a "natural" section at Gerbe's, it will probably be covered in dust and on the verge of expiration (even though it just came out, but Gerbe's is like a black whole for freshness). Don't get me wrong. I love Gerbe's. Hy-Vee is just far superior. Nullus.



Get your broke ass out the club if you ain't gon' tip... Can I get paid?!

Have you seen this?

So I was on NYTimes.com, reading through the annotated transcript of Bush's State o' das Union speech. When he mentioned the so-called "plan for Iraq," the Times included a link to THE ACTUAL PLAN. In PDF!!! With colors!! and bizarro, vague marketing speak!! Really. You have to read it. Apparently, it wasn't even made by the military. It was developed by a PR firm for the Bush Administration. Hilarious. Not only do they have both long and short term plans... they also have "medium term plans." No homo.

The Crim Pro scene is totally dead today.

Feist was amazing last night. The audience, however, completely sucked. I blame BXR. I always blame BXR. Since they sponsored the Feist show, I guess they hyped it up to infinity on their dumb station. All of their pathetic, drone listeners showed up because they follow BXR to any crap it puts on. No surprise, they were drunk, loud, and talked over Feist for the entire show. There were even drunk guys screaming "I love you" over and over and over and over again. During the show. Stupid idiot BXR listeners. But Feist was incredible.

Put me in, Coach...

Finally! I'm halfway through law school and we've finally arrived at a topic that I know and love.

Tomorrow in Freedom of Speech we'll be discussing Herceg v. Hustler Magazine -- a free speech case that's got a autoerotic asphyxiation all up in it. Yes. The most common cause of death among college hockey players.

I love school. Hopefully we'll talk about The Choking Game next week. I once saw an episode of Oprah about it, so I think I've reached "expert" level on that subject as well.

Did you know that the "G." in John G. Roberts stands for "Glover"?! I know. He doesn't even resemble that dude from Lethal Weapon.

FEIST! FEIST! FEIST! TONIGHT!
Blue Note.
Doors at 7:00.

You got to chug it!

"Can't sleep... clown will eat me..."

There are so many episodes of the The Simpsons out there that my mind is stretched to the brink of explosion when I try and recall them all.

What is your favorite Simpsons episode?

In celebration of those damned Oscar nominations that came out yesterday,here are my Top 5 Simpsons Episodes that I just pulled out of my ass.
No particular order:
1) the one where Homer gets fat on purpose with Mojo the Helper Monkey
2) Tomaaaaaccooooo
3) the one where Homer involuntarily becomes a missionary. My favorite Simpsons' line ever: "Jeebis?! but I don't even BELIEVE in Jeebis!!... Save me Jeeeebis!!!!"
4) the one where Bart buys that dog from the blind guy and all of the Springfield cops gets high at the end of the episode
5) The Mr. Sparkle episode where they make fun of Japanese people for 30 minutes

What about celebrity guest star episodes?
My favorite is the Lollapalooza one where Cypress Hill talks about getting high.

What do you think? Am I missing something supremely awesome? Yeah. I thought so.